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DERPability: Grading Pitchers Taken In The First Round Of The 2012 MLB Draft
Those of you who frequent Productive Outs are probably well-aware of our obsession with DERPability, a facial condition that has manifested itself at an elite level in the utterly fascinating face area of Jeff Karstens of the the Pittsburgh Pirates.
For those of you who are new to the site (and our obsession), this...
is DERP.
Given the July 13th signing deadline for players taken in this year's MLB Draft (and the chatter it spawned in the baseball twitterverse), I thought might be interesting to take a detailed look at the amount of DERP selected in the first round of the 2012 MLB Draft.
So, buckle up, hunker down, or do whatever-it-is-you-do in your preferred direction, and join me as we do just that.
If you find that your face hurts after reading this piece, congratulations. You did it right.
4) BAL - Kevin Gausman, LSU
20-30 grade DERP. Pujolsian tongue-chewer. Low ceiling. A waste of a pick.
5) KCR - Kyle Zimmer, USF
40-50 grade DERP. Stellar command of the overbite on the follow through. Potential to hit 55-60 if max-effort high leg kick overpowers facial elasticity as he enters his prime.
7) SDP - Max Fried, Harvard-Westlake HS
30-40 grade DERP. Potential to reach 55 by the time he's MLB-ready. Comps: Youthful Pierce Brosnan on a roller coaster.
8) PIT - Mark Appel, Stanford
65-75. Tremendous. MLB-ready and then some. Matching him up with Jeff Karstens and Erik Bedard in Pittsburgh might have given us the most incredible trifecta of DERPability in MLB history.
9) MIA - Andrew Heaney, OSU
25-35. No reason to expect improvement. Comps: Some guy trying to open a stubborn pickle jar.
14) CIN - Nick Travieso, Achbishop McCarthy HS
40-50. Plenty of potential to improve to 60-65 by the time he makes an appearance in the bigs. Excellent brow furrow and jaw jut. Comps: Benicio Del Toro trying to fart discreetly.
16) WAS - Lucas Giolito, Harvard-Westlake HS
45-55. Repeatable delivery that shapeshifts a handsome young man into a Jamey Carroll-esque alien life form, before returning his visage to normal on follow-through. Potential to reach 65-grade by age 25.
19) STL - Michael Wacha, Texas A&M
50-60. MLB ready. Excellent stinkface upon release. Comps: The face you make upon entering a truck stop bathroom.
20) SFG - Chris Stratton, MSU
20-30. Low ceiling. Could becom-zzzzzzzzz. Comps: Some German guy trying not to cry.
21) ATL - Lucas Sims, Brockwood HS
35-45. Plenty of room to improve. Mouthbreather on secondary pitches. DERP ceiling will be reached via his plus-release point countenance. Could become slightly above average at the big league level.
22) TOR - Marcus Stroman, Duke
30-40. Probably peaked in college, although there's hope that trying to maintain fastball velocity from a smaller frame will yield MLB-average DERP.
30) NYY - Ty Hensley, Edmond Santa Fe HS
40-50. Young and raw. Early reports had him sitting in the 20-30 range, until a few good outings late in the year yielded MLB-quality DERPability. Has the potential to be above average, but only time will tell. Comps: the "tragedy" drama mask, Rocky Dennis from Mask.
31) BOS - Brian Johnson, Florida
25-35. Very little upside. Comps: A guy doing a Dennys Reyes impression.
