At what point does detransition end? I've been trying to retransition for almost a year now and I don't know when, if ever, I'll feel like I accomplished that. I thought maybe getting bottom surgery would do it, taking my transition to a further point than ever before, surely I'd be transitioned then right?
But no, after the surgery I looked back in the mirror and saw a face scarred by testosterone, framed by still-too-short hair.
Maybe when my hair grew back out to how long I used to have it I'd feel back to normal? I never used to like having my hair too long, maybe mid-neck to shoulder length. Around now it has reached that length, almost, but no, I still don't look like me. It's not even that I look male, maybe it's just the effects of two years of aging, or maybe I need to be on estrogen longer.
Maybe it's just a feeling. Maybe I have to FEEL like a girl again. But that's something I haven't felt since before detransitioning. That's WHY I detransitioned. Maybe no matter how hyperfeminine I make myself look, I'll never really be retransitioned.
Maybe I'm just depressed.