Oct 22, 2018
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January 9th
(yes, i know it is the 8th, but today is the thursday and that is more memory triggering at least for me)
today a year ago was one of the first days of my life, it was the start of the chain of events that made me want to die mid july. but anyway, it sucked.
today wasn't that bad. i had lunch with my friends, my friends, my friends, my real friends. i like feeling like i have friends now.
but as i look back and reread the things i wrote a year ago today i am sad. my voice seems so young. i dont know what real sadness is, yet i just lost all of my friends. i sound so small and sad and i just want to give my past self a hug.
so i am very confused because i was sad then and i am fairly happy now, and i dont know whether this statement should make me feel happy or sad.
life is really weird and sometimes i hate it. most of the time i hate it. but i am alive right now and breathing and hanging in there and i think i'm doing okay
or at least better than i was a year ago today