Sense of Being Lost
Today feels like those times in college when hormones overtook my thoughts and I felt completely lost in the vast world.
I would take U2’s “October” album and play the record on repeat until I felt pulled back in. Sometimes it would play for hours with me flipping over the record each time it played out. Yeah, I went retro in college and had a record player.
Today feels like that. Lost in understanding "why" in the vast world. I mean, I know why. A perfect cocktail of a DNC that pushed a candidate even before the primary; a candidate who had the lowest likability rating in the history of presidential candidates; a large portion of the population angry and looking at people and places to blame; a single race-gender group that has for the last number of years been told they are the fault of everything and any opinion they have, beyond the accepted, must be bigoted or privileged and therefore not of value (of course they are waiting to say a big “fuck you” to those who put them in that box); gerimandering of districts over the years; and likely a series of many many other factors we don’t know and may not fully know ever.
Today, I cannot fully tell if my soul is silent in mourning, or if it is the entire city of New York that has gone silent; maybe we should publicly blast the October album, on repeat?
I go between a state of shock –I know it is shock because I become the observer of my own life– and holding back a rush of tears. Tears for the progress that has been made; tears for all my minority (race, gender, sexual orientation, ethnic background, … ) brothers and sisters, and what may come; tears for the environment; tears for how ignorant I must be of how much of the United States population feels so strongly, about many principles that I support, that they would vote on a platform of “No” rather than “Yes”.
Last night, I was amused that I got trolled on Twitter. Words cannot hurt if you do not give them value. It was absurdity to me that someone would attack with not facts or proof but just a decision that he or she or they are right and I was definitely wrong. But if disseminating mistrust and mistruth on Twitter created a large number of votes, perhaps I was naïve, again.
There are not many smiles today. From the pictures and videos I've seen of Trump rallies, there were not many there either. I don't think the goal of that campaign was to make happy, it was perhaps a hope to make less angry and less fearful (something we all want, at some level). Unfortunately, I now feel angry and fearful myself. And, I agree, it is not a sustainable place to live; it sucks. And to that end, I understand the need to not want to feel this way. Maybe that is our middle ground? Shit if I know though.
But just now I saw someone immediately get up for a person on crutches and give him her seat on the subway. I've seen more outward expressions of love and support on social media and in person today than I have in a very long time.
I am afraid because today I feel like I know some much less and have so much less control than I had just the day before.
What do I know? I know that those who are currently hurting, are currently fearful, are currently angry, (and somehow are currently feeling a little ashamed --at least I am, and I don't understand fully why--), this new disenfranchised class, will respond not with hate, but with an outpouring of love.
But, being frank, it is hard right now; it feels hard to breathe. It is hard to feel hope. It is there, and I refuse to let the spark ever die out, but it is extremely difficult right now. It too will pass. Just not likely for a while. And that makes me extremely sad.
I still wish love to all, whomever you voted for. For now, we are all hurting.