I truly didn’t expect the presidential race to be called today, but in a sense... it doesn’t feel that different. I’d already figured Biden would win, it was just a matter of time. But with some races still not called, and some recounts still likely... I don’t know. It’s like I got a certain wave of relief realizing he was pulling ever farther ahead, and thus that the projections and so on were actually right, and looking to remain right. And then another wave of relief when the election was called. And then I expect another wave when the other states are called, especially if he has enough of a lead that a Georgia recount, or a Michigan or Pennsylvania or wherever else recount, won’t matter.
But the only real, true relief will come when Biden is inaugurated, for two reasons. First, The Donald is still in office until January and he can do a lot of damage in that time. And second, we won’t know how peacefully he’ll leave until he leaves.
I admit, and hopefully this won’t turn out to be naive, I don’t think he’s going to fight his ouster. Mostly this is because, while it’s true that he’s done real damage these past 4 years and I don’t wish to undercut that at all, in general he cares more about people talking about him, paying attention to him, etc., than he cares about anything else. He gets something out of threatening not to relinquish power, just like he got something out of claiming he would dispute the ‘16 election results, which I’m about 98% sure he would not have done. All the inside dirt about that election says he didn’t expect to win, he might not even have wanted to win, he might have only run in the first place in order to promote his own TV network, and he actually had, according to the Mooch at least, plans to hop a plane to Scotland to golf on the day after the election. Of course, now that he’s been president, he obviously likes it, or at least, parts of it: not the work he isn’t doing but the adoring crowds, the rallies, his face on the news, all the attention, etc. I’m sure he really wanted to win this one and doesn’t want to leave. So I’m not saying that his attitude now is exactly as it was before the election four years ago. But still, the effort of actually digging in his heels and clinging to the bedpost and being dragged out by security seems way above him. He’ll talk shit from now until the Inauguration, and he’ll keep talking shit after probably, but he’ll do it from Mar-A-Lago. That’s my prediction.
Again, mostly just my gut feeling. He definitely has the soul of an authoritarian but he’s also very incompetent. I don’t think either should be underestimated.
So, yeah, in addition to wondering what will happen over the next couple months, I wonder what will happen to his general popularity/following. How many people will stick with him even through being a big, humiliated, pathetic loser, and how many people will abandon him? How many Republicans will abandon his ideology? I truly can’t predict this. We’ve already seen obvious people like Romney ‘side’ with Biden, but Romney’s one of those Republicans who was just itching for an excuse to not be Trump’s bitch. Most of the rest of them have taken to it pretty well! So I’m not sure what they’ll do.
Anyway, it’s not really that I want to be thinking about this rn, but just some thoughts I figured I’d get down.
I’m going to try to block social media tonight because my anxiety was already pretty bad last night and I just... need to take care of myself. So, just a quick note now.
I went to vote at about 11 or so. I’ve never had a bad experience voting here so I wasn’t too worried, especially since I figured there’d be even fewer people than normal with so much early voting. And it went fine. There was one person just ahead of me and one behind, and a few other people hanging around, plus the workers and poll watchers. No one weird. They had a lot of covid precautions in place: the usual floor markings and mask requirements, plus pens you could take with you, and a system for checking id’s that did not require anyone to touch the id (you had to put it on a piece of paper, and then the poll worker just touched the paper). The booths were arranged a little differently, I guess to make social distancing easier? But there were so few people voting, it wasn’t hard to find a spot away from the others.
The poll worker at the entrance seemed kind of nervous. I thought I heard him say something like “Can we count on your vote?” and I had a mini-crisis, thinking he was trying to campaign?? (Though for who, I don’t even know lol.) He might have been saying something like “Are you here to vote?” (duh) or he might have been making a joke? I don’t really know.
He said that 60% of the precinct had voted early and that there hadn’t been any big rushes of in person voters. The most they had at once was 15 people, early in the morning. According to the news, 73% of registered voters in the county had voted by noon, so that’s pretty good, I think. (This was in an article about “slightly malfunctioning” voting machines that were getting fucked up from all the cleaning--so that’s encouraging lol.) (This area uses paper ballots but they’re read by a machine.)
The actual process of voting wasn’t as exciting as in previous elections. I really cared about the candidate I voted for in the primaries, and this time... it wasn’t a clothespin vote per se but I just felt very much like I was doing what I had to do and hoping it would be enough. Not an inspired feeling. I felt more excited voting for my district candidate (the one whose tweet got picked up and carried all the way to my tumblr dash, and who also left some campaign literature at my apartment, which looked good) (I am soooo informed lmao), because the incumbent sucks and I would really like to see this guy win. I don’t really think he will but I’m hopeful.
There were also two constitutional amendments on the ballot and I was excited to vote in favor of a redistricting commission. My former election law professor wrote an op-ed in favor of it and honestly I’ve been pro-commission since that very same election law class. So that was cool, I hope that works out.
After voting, I went downtown for the first time in a while... probably the first time I’d been there in the afternoon since February tbh. I went to my favorite coffee place (which was closed when I was last wandering about because it was a Sunday after five), and I had a delicious drink that was like butter nut pecan or something weird? But it had a lot of caffeine in it and was delicious. They still had their giant spider decorations up for Halloween. And I’d just missed the atmosphere so much. I will say...the structure of the shop is not conducive to social distancing. It’s small, it’s popular, the tables are crowded together, and the ordering is set up so that there isn’t a lot of space for the line to go. Like it can feel claustrophobic sometimes even in non-pandemic conditions. So I was a little nervous. I did the best I could though. I sat outside, and after I ate the yogurt parfait I’d bought, I kept my mask on unless I was actively drinking, and there wasn’t anyone directly next to me. But still. I was right by the door. There were a lot of people out because it’s a gorgeous day.
I didn’t really accomplish anything other than voyeuring on the dog next to me (a very easily upset pit bull mix who would cry every time “the love of his life” wasn’t interacting with him), and obsessing about random writing projects. But I do this on purpose you know: obsess over writing stuff so I don’t go down an anxiety death spiral about Other Stuff. Before all the holiday exchanges and events start, I want to make serious progress on an old WIP. We’ll see how that actually goes.
Anyway now I really do need to do laundry... it’s already past 4 and somehow that means it will be dark soon. Such a pain. But I need the distraction and I need some more clean clothes so. Laundry I shall do.
Writing a bunch today, even if I haven’t actually re-read it yet, still, has made me feel better. Like maybe I can write?? Maybe?
Having plans or making assumptions of any sort is probably dumb but nevertheless, it’s made me optimistic enough to do that anyway.
I don’t think I can really assume I’ll finish this Bellarke fic tomorrow. Like it’s possible, if I get on a roll, but that’s not the most realistic goal. I’d like to get within a stone’s throw of finishing though. If I write the same amount as I did today (about 2-2.5k), that’ll be very good. Then I can finish on Monday during my mid-day break.
I’d also like to plan out my Chopped ideas this weekend, and pick one to write. I’m taking next Friday off, so even if I don’t write between Tuesday and Thursday (pretty likely since uh.... work), I’ll still have three days to crank it out. And the rest of the week for editing or last minute stuff but I really can’t rely on work days for anything, sadly. That seems like cutting it a little close but it’s also probably the best I can do. Unless I’m somehow able to start Chopped tomorrow.
This does not leave much time for my Halloween Ficlets. Am I naive to think I’ll write them at all? To be fair, I think I wrote the 2018 ones over a weekend, or mostly. I remember really freaking myself out by the end of it, which is why the last one is pure fluff.
Anyway, in addition to writing, this weekend I would like to do that WIP Title Game and do some baking and movie watching. Which I might do tonight because my sense of time is all messed up anyway, might as well!
I wish I had a balcony or a porch or some sort of outdoor space that is mine. Tonight was very nice but I wasn’t outside for more than a few minutes because it was hot during the day and then after dark, I don’t really... like I’m not going to take a long walk after dark for no reason. Obviously. I went out around 9 and again around 10 to take out some recycling and it was so warm and dark and soft. I just wanted to sit outside but be on my own space. There are some benches and stuff but they feel... far away from my actual apartment. And one of them is kinda in the dark and another one is right next to the bike rack.
The moon was so beautiful though. When I first went out, there was no clouds or any cover at all. It was lit up brighter than the streetlamps. Not even silver but yellow. I just wanted to stand outside and stare at it for hours. Later, it was more muted, I think because were thin clouds in front of it; it was sort of fuzzy and silver.
And I remember thinking, at least there’s this in life, I can go outside and look at the beautiful moon.
I am soooo close to finishing up everything I need to finish this season, writing-wise. I’m going to try to finish the rest as early as I can tomorrow--it’s basically just formatting and posting stuff.
Other than that, I want to take a walk, and I think perhaps start on some reading and clearing out of my insane number of likes.
I watched National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation last night. I hadn’t seen it in a really long time. It was roughly as I remembered. The only specifics I still recalled were the huge light display and the old woman singing the Star-Spangled Banner at the end--although I also combined them in my mind and thought that the lights were only light up at the end, and when they did light up, they caused the blaze that she mistook for fireworks.
I still think those were two of the best gags, but I also really liked the squirrel in the tree, and the initial opening of the adventure to cut down the tree.
Also struck me pretty strongly this time how much this movie, and probably the other Vacations also, are anxiety tales about the middle class and middle age. Clarke watching home movies from the 50s when he’s stuck in the attic. Wanting a perfect family Christmas because it’s what he remembers from his childhood. His father passing the torch re: reading The Night Before Christmas. The dream of the swimming pool. The anxiety over the bonus check. The constant mockery of the soulless yuppies next door--a mockery different than that of Clarke and the Griswolds, because they didn’t get their happy ending, and their intentions were never good. The ending being, ultimately, a bigger and better bonus check and an apology for the anxiety caused. Etc.
Anyway, I’m glad I watched it. It’s so much later than it should be. I need to get up earlier tomorrow in order to avoid becoming nocturnal.
So Christmas Day comes to an end... It was a pretty good day, especially as far as celebrations in the midst of crises go. I did some cleaning in the morning, and then cooked dinner, which went fine. Then I got on Skype with my parents, ate, talked... talked some more. The call was a total of 7 hours. I mean, there’s no way I would have rather spent a day alone in my apartment than virtually with my family for basically the whole day, but I’m both exhausted and discombobulated. Like I’m not really sure where I am or quite what’s happening.
We didn’t do the gift exchange thing because my gifts to my parents, and most of my parents’ gifts to me, are still stuck somewhere in the post. I guess this isn’t so surprising but it’s... annoying. I’m worried about our stuff just getting totally lost. The back up is way worse than I thought, tbh. My parents haven’t gotten priority mail in 2 weeks. The birthday card my mom sent on the 10th still hasn’t gotten to me, even though my aunt sent me one on the same day from CT that made it by the 14th. Her Christmas card to my parents (probably sent on the 15th, when mine was sent) hasn’t gotten to them. The tracking on their package says it left their town and is now “in transit, arriving late” and mine isn’t much better. It made it to Richmond, and for all I know, it’s still there. I sent it over a week ago.
I’m most anxious for my gifts to get to my parents. That’s what I’m most looking forward to. I don’t mind that Christmas dinner got separated from Christmas gift exchange, but I am somewhat of a planner, and I’d like to know when we might expect that to occur...
Tomorrow, I need to get up earlyish, and write my Bellarke Secret Santa fic. No, I have not started it yet. I know that’s bad. It’s not going to be anything big or fancy but hopefully it will be a nice, cute little thing for my giftee. I feel a little nervous that I NEED to get it done tomorrow but I have a fairly good sense of what happens in it, and it’s shorter/simpler than Chopped, which I wrote in a day.
I also want to make banana bread, before my bananas become even worse. And I want to watch Christmas movies because I have yet to do that! Too busy working and writing and just generally Barely Managing. So if I finish my writing early enough tomorrow, I can movie marathon in the afternoon/evening.
I’m afraid that, like Thanksgiving, the day after the holiday will be harder than the holiday itself. Fewer distractions, and more opportunity to think about what I USUALLY do or what I’d RATHER be doing.
It’s Christmas Eve! Well technically it’s Christmas but I’m still awake. I got a little cocky after I finished my Chopped draft and took too long a break, so now I’m scrambling to get it up on AO3 and then I think I’ll probably just go to sleep.
It wasn’t a bad day. I was very creative (by necessity) and I took a nice walk in the afternoon. I didn’t get everything I wanted to get done but... oh well. I’m doing my best.
Tomorrow is basically Thanksgiving Part Two because I’m doing what I did for Thanksgiving, and nothing particularly Christmas-based. My gifts still haven’t made it to my parents, and most of theirs haven’t made it to me, so we’re postponing that part. It’s probably objectively better, not trying to do too much in one day on top of the whole Virtual Thing, but I still feel a little... I want to know my stuff got there safely. Until it does, I’m just going to be worrying about it in the back of my mind. The gift for my dad in particular has quite a bit of value, in terms of the amount of work put in, and I’d hate for it to just be lost in the mail.
So, yeah. I need to get up early tomorrow and clean up at least some because my apartment is a Disaster Area basically. I’m also not done with my holiday exchange fics... I only have one left, plus another little thing that may or may not end up as a fic, and one draft to edit. But still. I’d like to just be done and do some chilling tbh.
I tried to work on my Chopped fic today, I really did, but it just wasn’t happening. I actually felt fine through the work day, and I feel pretty good about the stuff I’m planning to do tomorrow. But after work, I just wanted to lie down in the dark. So I did that, and kinda slept a little. Woke up feeling okay but very small and chilly. Not like creating. And then by the time I had dinner and so on it was...now, and I’m sleepy, and I’d rather just be sleepy than try to force myself to wake up just to maybe get something done, or not, and then feel awful tomorrow.
I really am going to end up writing this in a day and a half and I do NOT feel good about that lol. It’s going to be a stressful experience and a fic of questionable quality!
I have a good idea of the plot and it’s not a terribly long fic, compared to some other Chopped fics, but I do still have to write it, and I’m leaving it down to the wire.
My general mood now, is that I want to clean my apartment well, and I want to watch movies, and I might possibly want to read (possibly). And I want to spend (virtual) time with my family. And that’s pretty much it. Writing-wise, I wouldn’t mind doing some planning, sorting, rearranging. Cleaning type stuff but for my fic ideas. In other words, I DON’T feel creative, I feel overwhelmed and unmoored. Like I just need to have control over stuff and feel settled and accomplished.
Creativity is different. I can’t be thinking big picture when I’m Creating. I need to be down in the details of the story I’m putting together and the universe it’s set in. That kind of energy and narrow devotion just seems beyond me right now.
