Learning to feel..
For the past twenty years I kept my feelings bottled up at the risk of looking like I was searching for pity and attention. I learned to just keep feelings and thoughts to myself rather than be told others have it worse. You do not know me, you do not know my story, or the things that keep me up at night. It wasn’t until I got sober that my feelings, the feelings that I had spent so many years trying to erase finally hit the surface. And each empty bag contributed to the emptiness of who I’ve become. From daddy issues to hospitals masking problems with pain killers, to lonely nights spent crying over someone who didn’t love themselves enough to love me too. And I guess what I’m trying to say is that at the end of the day it all comes back feelings. I didn’t want to feel, and I still struggle with that everyday. I didn’t want to feel abandoned, in pain, unwanted and not good enough, but when you hear the same thing so much you start to believe it yourself too..maybe that’s my problem. I give things and people my everything until I have nothing left to give myself. First was my health, then the girl who didn’t love herself enough to love me, and then to the high, but the drugs were different..the drugs never left me, it was like for the first time I was being loved without begging for it..but now she’s left too and I’m left here..alone all over again and seven years of not feeling takes its tole..it’s almost like I was in a coma for those years and now I have to learn how to deal with my feelings instead of running from them..I’ve always been good at running tho..I found peace and solidarity in being alone, that was my defense..bc if no ones around who can hurt me right? Well I was wrong Because when no one else could hurt me I started hurting myself. And you can’t sit here and tell me 6months isn’t a lot because these six months have been the only thing standing between myself and not waking up to see another day. I used to just hope that this would be the bag to kill me, how selfish of me though right? Because killing me also meant killing everyone who loves me too and I wasn’t ready to say goodbye just yet. How do you say goodbye to the person who never left your side? And who am I to take a life from the person who gave me one? -Heroineforher
