#22.1.2021

[prosy-days]

January 22, 2021 - Day 217

An incredibly thrilling Friday night photo of me deciding to change around the apps on my phone... I wonder how long it’ll take me to get used to it.

[godsnameisjoy]

GENIUS

Date: 22 January 2021

Duration: 57 minutes at 11:23 PM

Depth: Written on 23 January 2021. Here goes.

The universe has been out on a limb for two to three days now, just to help me. I have spent a lot of screen time reading stuff up. I have also been thinking about me in relation to the words before me. I have been thinking this way to the extent that I carried my differently focused attention into meditation last night.

The question isn’t ‘who am I?’ The question is about unprocessed trauma that’s manifesting itself every now and then. These manifestations are holding me back from expressing my best.

There are some truly brilliant ideas that come to me but I don’t even bother writing them down on a napkin. I’d rather read about a New Year’s Eve murder that has Mumbai cops perplexed than write about a possible future for myself. I’d rather relive trauma vicariously than commit to healing mechanisms that hold a promise.

I have successfully avoided creating a to-do list for 48 hours now. Last night, I stumbled on this line on Tumblr: ‘Our brains are wired for connection, but trauma rewires them for protection.’ Like I said earlier, it wasn’t a case of me stumbling on this line, it was the universe out on a limb to get me to see this line.

The moment I sit down to prepare a personalised to-do list, I feel threatened. I freeze. As long as my to-do list can also be called Protection List, I am able to add to my list. This is mostly stuff from the grocers to keep me and family alive. The moment I try to generate a to-do list that can also be called Human Connection List, I freeze. That’s how deep my trust issues run. So deep that I’d rather write this note and make it public albeit with a sense of indifference than meet with a shrink. I have trust issues with psychiatry as a science!

I genuinely wish that the following list self destructs its self the moment I write it:

1) Share image of the work-in-progress cross stitch project on social media.

2) Copy paste this blog entry on social media.

3) Share words from Anthony Trollope’s book on social media.

4) Ask daughter to allow me 10 minutes on the laptop.

After point 4), I have to pray to the universe. You see, I have misplaced my dreams. I have buried them so deep that my legs are stuck in that hole. I thought I was digging my heels in, so that I could hold onto my dreams. Now I am stuck and I can’t even feel my dreams with my toes. ‘Don’t want to touch them with a barge pole. I promise to share a pic of me in an Einstein T-shirt.

[zaynmalikupdates]

Zayn via Instagram Stories - 22.1.2021

[zaynmalikupdates]

zayn: Who’s as excited as me @UFC #ufc257 😂👊🏽

[zaynmalikupdates]

Zayn via Instagram Stories - 22.1.2021

[zaynmalikupdates]

Nobody Is Listening debuted at #17 on the U.K. Chart! Congratulations to Zayn 🎉