#24getyourshittogether

[14sunnydaze]

A $20 investment that could save your life!

Hey this might seem random, but just making sure everyone knows that for like twenty bucks you can buy a crap phone with that stays on for days, no plan necessary, and keep it in your car, or in your purse, so that if your regular smartphone dies like they tend to do, you still have a phone that can call 911 anytime!!!!!!

[14sunnydaze]

Sometimes when I am watching a tv show or a movie and something so sad happens that it makes me tear up, I watch that same part over and over again till it makes me cry. Then I watch it again and again and again until it can never make me feel anything at all. It doesnt matter that it isnt real, that it never was real. the emotions it evokes are what make it real. I hold these small sadness like crying jewels over my heart, reminding me that I can feel. But, like the images and sounds that produce these tear-spouting jewels, eventually it all dries up. What will happen, i wonder, when my heart is entirely dried up?

[14sunnydaze]

The Tundra

From what I've observed, when people are exposed to something incredibly sorrowful, their first instinct is to either distance themselves from themselves, or completely meltdown.  Whether they hide their dismay, or wear their own despair like an Hermes scarf, if they cover or expose it. They do begin to deconstruct, to break down and fall apart, in some cases mentally, psychologically, and spiritually. They have to reforge themselves to overcome this life-changing event.

For me it's like someone pushed a glacier into my very self. I don't change in any way except that my mind, body, and soul begin to freeze over. It doesnt seem to register, I'm in a state of perpetual shock until the experience is buried under a mountain of ice and amnesia. Then I stop feeling the chill grey death. Life flows into me, but never does it extend beyond the surface. A warm candy coating covering the icy rage, fear, or sorrow. But beneath I am still that hard, glassy, tundra. I am so sharp inside I bleed with emotion, but never feelings about The Event. Emotions about the movie I'm watching, the book I'm reading, other people's experiences, tears shed over my figure or my hair, laughter arising from a joke or a particularly witty GIF. 

But never about the ten or so people, friends and family members, who died within the first month of my entering college. Never about my mother's mental breakdown or my father's addictions. Never about my apathetic grandfather who has made it clear he doesn't care what happens to the rest of the family when he dies and leaves us millions to squabble over like chickens on a farm. Never about my oldest friend, a beautiful glory of a girl, with whom I had planned to spend my adult life, the future mother of my daughters and sons, and how she died overdosing on heroine and was left to die in the street, like a stray dog.

Even now, writing these words, I feel nothing. Nothing but a distant objectivity, as if my life were happening to someone else, someone who doesn't matter, a fictional character. I don't separate from myself, or fall apart. I freeze over. Like a perfectly kept machine, my heart continues to pump blood but no longer bleeds or beats. My soul is like a candle flame, barely illuminating, so tender and fragile a sudden flurry of air could snuff it out entirely and reduce me to a morally bankrupt, ethically callous individual.  

If anyone reads this and wishes me to continue, please post something and tag me in it.