On Being a Shadow Gallade
By: Madoka Higuchi (she/her)
I am a Shadow Gallade. Specifically, a Pokemon Colosseum-era shadow Pokemon. Obviously, this species doesn't appear until the next generation, but I feel that the shadow Pokemon mechanics from that game fits best with my own noemata.
Ever imagined how it feels to have your heart being sealed shut the way shadow Pokemon experienced it? To me, it feels like constant numbness in my heart. I'm unable to feel most emotions with some exceptions, or if I do feel them, it would feel very dim and it's very easily missed. The exceptions? Something along the lines of ever-present anger or disgust, to the point where it becomes background noise to me in most cases.
In combat, I only know a single objective: To annihilate. To destroy. Nothing else matters. In Hyper Mode, my emotions would feel much more intense than what I'm used to, sometimes mixed with other emotions that feel foreign to me. These emotions would overwhelm me so much that I easily lose control, negatively impacting how well I battle.
The corruption process erased any prior memories I had before, and I think it also hindered my ability to form new memories, so to this day I only remember bits and pieces of memories and noemata from after corruption. I have no memory of being not fully evolved, what led me to being corrupted, and who attempted to purify me afterwards, if that ever happened in the first place.
About purification, for now I'm not sure if I have ever been completely purified or not, but at the very least I know there were some progress made on reopening my heart. The only major sign I have that points towards possible purification is that I currently don't know how to use Shadow Rush. In terms of execution, what makes this move different from the likes of Take Down? For comparison, I know how to execute moves like Psychic or Protect. I'm able to describe what I would focus on and what motions I would use, and I can use these moves in headspace. This is not the case for Shadow Rush. I can only make educated guesses, but so far none of them feels right to me. Other than that clue and the fact that I know several non-shadow moves, I don't think I'm that much different from a shadow Pokemon that has not opened its heart at all, even on present day. I've thought about some hypotheses on this when questioning, but there's one common factor in them: purification is not as simple and straightforward as what's shown in the game. I could've forgotten Shadow Rush very early. There could be no true "end point" where the door to a Pokemon's heart is fully open, and its condition could still worsen over time under certain conditions. But for now, I haven't confirmed any of these as "true" for myself.
At one point, I did also question being a Mewtwo, especially considering how the first movie portrayed it. I'd say the Pokedex descriptions for it fits well with regards to it having a cold and vicious personality and only caring about defeating its opponents. My moveset is also rather unusual for a Gallade and would fit a Mewtwo more, focusing on defense and special attacks. But in the end, I concluded that Mewtwo is more of a simile than a kintype. It just didn't feel right to see myself as one. Instead, I'm a Gallade with a cold, dead heart.