#2k14s

[lohylian]

ship hikaru/kaoru/haruhi 4 lyfe

[lohylian]

goals for 2015:

finish shows i've been putting off finishing

maybe exercise semi-regularly

start dressing the way i actually want to, surroundings be damned

possibly go to the doctor for all the shit that's wrong with me

draw more than once a month

[lohylian]

and it's not like i didn't have dreams for college!! i still actually do!!! but when i started getting really bad close to the end of high school, i fucking dropped everything. i barely scraped by with grades, i slept from the time i got home till dinner (and usually went to sleep right after), i never hung out with friends, i didn't draw or read, and i feel like there should have been at least one or two ppl in my life that realized there was something wrong??????

the fucking guidance counselor pulled me into her office to ask about college bc i was a 'bright young girl with a promising future' and when i told her i hadn't really thought about it, she told me that i should and sent me on my merry way

she didn't fucking talk to me again after that

i dont even know how to apply to a college like oh my fucking god

and i know i'm not really worth the time and money college takes so what's the point??

and the beginning of this is just reiterating what i've said before, which is basically just: why is this always so bad for me, but never bad enough for the people that love me to be concerned? how bad does this have to get before someone recognizes there's an issue???

[lohylian]

i laugh at sex jokes because sex is a giant joke

[lohylian]

but for reals i am so fucking sad right now my chest literally hurts i have to use all my concentration to not burst into tears i hate myself so much im a waste of time and space why wouldn't people just let me go if i left

[lohylian]

tfw the only thing keeping you alive sometimes is how sad your mom would be if you died

[lohylian]

screw fandoms im just gonna start doing aesthetic shit

[lohylian]

i am strangely unconcerned with whether or not someone will ever truly romantically love me, or when i will die

but i do constantly worry that i am going to be truly alone and sad for the majority of my life

like yeah i have friends but those friends always have better friends (and i'm glad for them, don't get me wrong, they deserve the love and support they get from their myriad of friends), and i am never that better friend. i just get worried that they'll all hit these milestones (marriage, children, long term relationships, fulfilling careers, getting their own houses) and i'm going to be left long behind in the dust, preferring apartments and a cat and my books and movies

i'd like to have a good friend around for those times in my life, but i can't see it happening. i can easily imagine it, watching movies together from opposite ends of the couch, eating dinner together, talking about bullshit in our lives, decorating, having our jobs and our lives but still having at least someone to come home to and to say good morning to each day

but it doesn't seem plausible