#2personal

[cacaitos]

2Personal, Raheaven.

[criminal-delirium]

tfw you realize you only ever used doing the sex as a form of validation [basically the only way you *ever* felt validation] and like you basically sort of grew out of that/left those feelings behind so you have precisely ZERO interest in any of that now

[cacaitos]

2Personal, Raheaven.

[underachievers-please-try-harder]

Track of the day // Raheaven - 2Personal

[vironika]

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[vcintag]

Have you ever had sex?

None of your business b

[angeladarko]

this is extremely personal of me.

I discontinued my super personal/venting blog a couple years ago so im just gonna rant on here for a few paragraphs.

I only know of death because of a couple people in my family. mostly distant older relatives that i barely knew. one was a semi-close aunt a few years ago. the one that hit me the hardest, to this day, was my very close gramps. he passed from cancer when i was about eight years old and i was tenderly changed after seeing that. cliche or not, i saw life differently.

his eyes were pure yellow, as a result from his liver failing. i pretended like i didn’t notice. he noticed. he cried a little. i was confused and scared and sad all at once. he was only about 70.

i stopped mid-stride on our way back to the car in the parking lot and broke down without warning. tears and snot running down my face and my sequined shirt. i don’t remember if my mom held me or my dad, but they tried to make me think of something else. it didn’t work.

for years.

that was my first and most sensitive view of death.

my gramps’s wife, granny, has been alive and well for twelve years since he passed.

these past couple months not so much.

lemme just give a little background here.

My gran, Philomena, is literally the most popular person i know. and will ever know. she’s a devout christian and she goes to church every. single. day. on the weekdays it’s an eight o’clock in the morning mass. on saturdays it’s four in the afternoon. on sundays it’s eleven or twelve in the afternoon. i used to think she was too devout, too obsessed. that she didn’t think of anything else. but that’s not true. she cares about everyone. anyone. strangers. people at church. she’s close friends with the priests. she has her own clubs like, “the sacred heart prayer group” and “the saint joesph’s table” friends. they go to denny’s every fourth friday of the fucking month.

she is the chairperson of the christmas gettogethers. she gives out “spiritual boquets” to people. she puts me on the “prayer-chain” when i have a stuffed nose. when i graduated college. when i have a doctors’ appointment, “just to make sure everything comes back good”.

she throws the best birthday parties. even if they’re small and in her stuffy kitchen.

she eats lunch as her “big meal of the day” and it’s always at 12:30 in the afternoon. maybe twelve if she’s feeling cute. that’s always when we eat on thanksgiving. and christmas. and easter.

she eats and watches the channel four news. it’s always channel four first because they do the weather first, then channel seven, but you have to type it in correctly so all you have to do is press the “back” button and you’re back where you started which is at four. sometimes it changes between two, four, and seven but only when they have “actual news on” and not just celebrity stuff.

if it’s 12:30 and we’re still eating, it’s paternity court. on channel eight. we like to guess who the father might be based on what he looks like compared to the baby.

she’s right sometimes. i don’t like to assume but i guess anyway. and i’m usually wrong.

she loves lovey dovey movies. clean ones. no swears or crudeness. although she still watches blades of glory and the hangover when it’s on because “it’s tolerable”. she loves reese witherspoon in legally blonde and mark ruffalo. so when the movie with the both of them comes on she has the best day ever. all smiles.

she loves the cake boss. and american pickers. mostly because she “swears” she has stuff in the garage that could be part of that show someday.

she loves the parent trap, with lindsay lohan.

when we tell her that some of these movies and tv shows are on Netflix, and that we can buy it for her and allllllll she has to do is open her laptop and press play... she says no. “i only like it when i can find it on the live tv. it makes it more fun” she’s stubborn af.

she has “prayer time friends” that come on pogo games with her online and pray in the chat section. at nine at night she opens her laptop, in her cozy robe and tv on next to her, she types and plays poker. real life people type things about their day and stuff to pray for. my granny knows abbreviations for things i didn’t even know. like ty. gn.tg. (thank you, goodnight, thank god).

cute.

she has to have something warm with her meal always. breakfast lunch or dinner she always has coffee. more whole-milk than coffee. no sugar.

she loved bingo, but only takes me once in a while. mostly because “it’s a lot of sitting” and she gets tired. makes me smile thinking about her complaining about it.

i can’t fathom how my sister, brother, mom, two cousins and aunt are handling all of this. or how they are going to. she’s in hospice starting tomorrow morning.

she was supposed to take my little sister to her first “gambling day out” in Canada on her birthday. which is in two days. gran is a big slot machine lover. i love that.

i have to be strong about all this for everyone else because they aren’t. i have to try not to cry and everything. it’s easier for now.

i’m writing this because i feel like this is the worst thing that could ever ever ever happen and i don’t know what to physically do.

i don’t want to forget anything about her ever.

she’s an amazing woman.

and she knows she has to go.

so if she’s ok with it, maybe i should try to be.

[thesecretletter]

I was reading the old posts I wrote about you. I was so useless and pathetic. I can’t believe I put my heart out on the line like that for you. Never again will I love someone so shamelessly. Never again.

Your secrets are safe here