30 Minute Experiment: Anger #30ME
So my last #30ME on Thursday was rather angry for pretty silly reasons. I just happened to wake up in a bit of a mood. Guess what? Today, I also woke up in a bit of a mood, and I’m still in a bit of that mood, but I had already decided to address “Anger” as my topic, originally for yesterday but something came up that I had to focus on... but thankfully, as Mark Ruffalo’s Dr. Bruce Banner said in The Avengers, “I’m always angry...”
That statement isn’t exactly true, and I’ve actually spent the last two months or so trying my best not to get angry about things. It might be no surprise that I’ve frequently had anger issues, not any that might lead to me going against my normally non-violent nature but definitely the type of anger that keeps people up at night stewing about things that they can’t do anything about.
A certain John Lydon sang the words “Anger is an energy” in the PiL song, “Rise,” and he was not kidding, because as hard as I do everything in my power to be angry or “in a pissy mood” as some might put it better, it’s something that I have a really tough time controlling. Anger just comes at me when I least expected, and no surprise, when I experience it, it puts me in an even worse mood. And even less surprise, it can make me a very unpleasant person to be around or to talk to. Just ask anyone who has tried whether it’s my mother or brother (Hi, Rob!) or sister ... and frankly, some of my better friends may not see it as much because part of the reason they’re friends is that they not only don’t piss me off or make me angry (almost ever) but they have something in their DN or personalities that helps make me less angry.
If you read my #30ME about “Mixed Emotions” or “Love,” you might be thoroughly confused since what I’m saying here might seem like the polar opposite to what I wrote in those essays. Welcome to the life of a moody Pisces.
Yeah, it’s getting harder and harder not to be angry these days, especially living in such an angry world, and that was even before the pandemic and quarantine. People have been angry for a very long time, and it’s almost impossible to spend any time on social media without experiencing it, and frankly, it doesn’t help me at all, especially if I want to be in the right mood to write stuff... and anger most definitely is not it, let me tell you.
In fact, part of me leaving my last regular assignment was that certain aspects of it which I won’t get into was constantly making me angry, and it left me no choice having to decide whether I wanted to write surrounded by such negativity all the time. I’m not even sure I was angry about what everyone else ir or was angry about it. Part of my anger just comes from being around so much anger. I just have this empathic nature that helps me feel greatly for others but it’s a two-handed sword where I end up absorbing others’ anger into myself if I spend too much time around it.
As someone who can rarely be happy and angry at the same time -- I’m very black or white like that -- it’s a constant struggle to try to be happy and in the right head/mood to write stuff and to interact with others, which I’m doing more and more via this laptop of mine than in person (for obvious reasons).
Because of this, it gets harder and harder to get out these moods when I do wake up angry. Believe me, I’ve been working extra hard in the last couple months not to get angry or fly off the handle, but it gets kind of tough when you’re dealing with stuff like the “mouse incident” i shared a few days ago or ongoing issues with my landlord, which i’m trying hard to not get angry about. (If you’ve read some of the Emails I got from him or what he was trying to do, believe me, you’d be angry, too!)
But more than that, there’s a lot of anger about the current state of the country and our government, and that’s something I try hard not to get angry about only because it’s such a frustrating thing that I don’t feel I am capable of doing anything about. I mean, the reason we have such an awful President right now is because so many people were angry about things that the LAST President did... and the people who picked that President were angry with the PREVIOUS President and it just goes back to the very beginning of the time. No one is happy with anything but when there’s an outlet or avenue for anger (like social media) then have at it!
(I should mention that I’m writing today’s #30ME listening to Tears for Fears’ Songs from the Big Chair, a long-time favorite that actually starts with a song called “Shout”... I wonder if the same song was written today, it would be called “Type in Caps.” Sorry, that was my obligatory stupid joke tangent for today’s #30ME.)
And yes, making jokes is one way I try to allay my own anger and keep from being in a constant fuming range. So is listening music. I know these things from living with this moody ass soul for so many decades that I can kind of figure out ways of not being angry all day long. Even doing this writing can help, so skipping a day like I did yesterday to pursue what ended up being a fruitless effort, isn’t gonna help my anger the next day.
The weather doesn’t help either, like the fact that it’s suddenly 20 degrees over a week into May when most of us would rather be outside or at the movies, neither of which aren’t allowed with strict regulations. Oh, and it’s too cold outside, too.
I’m gonna stop myself right here because I’m well aware how angry and ranty my previous #30ME was about “Free Advice” and I’m trying hard not to just use this experiment for 30 minutes of wanton raging, that’s for sure.
Anyway, I guess what I’m trying to get at is that there are many ways to deal with your own anger, whether it’s to stay off social media or spend quiet time listening to music or watching adorable dog videos on Quibi (which I do, too) rather than trying to have a pleasant conversation with a landlord who regularly puts you in a bad mood. Even taking a nap can help or taking a nice long bath.
In other words, there’s plenty of ways of dealing with this horrible situation in which we’ve found ourselves that has only gives us one option, “Change or Die.” And I mean that in the nicest possible way because it’s become fairly obvious that we can’t continue living the way we have been. We can’t all just be angry every minute of every single day, since it’s quite self-defeatist, and I’m saying this as someone who has often felt victim towards his own anger.
I’m sure there are lots of ways that the professionals (i.e. shrinks and therapists) would advise dealing with anger, and some of them might recommend medication to do so, but I’ve never been one to believe in drug-controlled emotions. It kind of goes hand in hand with my moody nature and how it drives me creatively and in ways, also keeps me happy when I need to find ways to stay happy.
I’ve been writing for nearly 25 minutes about this topic and probably rambling and going off on a tangent for some of it but I already feel about 70% less angry now than I did when I started writing this, so I can definitely say I know myself and what works to get myself out of these moods I sometimes wake up to.
Hopefully, I can use the fact that I was able to get some of this anger out of my system to look towards other emotions over the rest of the day to feel like I’ve accomplished something more constructive, like you know, write that weekly column that takes up so much of my time every week.
In fact, I’m gonna cut this #30Me a minute or two short just so I can use the fact that I’m no longer in that mood I mentioned earlier to figure out what I’m gonna do for the next 12 or 13 hours of my day. Have a good Saturday and Mother’s Day and I’ll be back on Monday!