#31daystokeepgoing

[allthebooksallthecoffee]

Day 30: human is what we are

What do I want my next month to look like? 

-warmth

-happiness

-fitness

-self-discovery

-MEDITATION

What do I want to call in? 

-strength

-understanding for others (what are these relationships with people who frustrate me trying to teach me) 

-healing 

-learning

Three times to work on my project?

-thursday morings

-tuesday nights

-saturday mornings

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Your art is asking you to commit, so why are you holding yourself back?

One breath to one breath. One word to one word.

[allthebooksallthecoffee]

Day 29: human is what we are

Maybe it’s that we leave everything we know behind to be alone in this world?

What are our resistant parts most afraid of? 

Are we terrified of the dark and are we afraid to avoid pain at all costs?

What gifts are available in leaning into pain? Into feeling it all. 

Because if I can see what is not working for my best self, i have the power to change it. 

What can you leave behind, so that you no longer have to carry the burden around with you anymore? This heavy object now has a place to rest. 

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The thing that my brother finally admitted to, the thing I have never said out loud to another person and it feels intensely scary to even put it out there now.

It covers me in shame and under the shame there is more shame wrapped in guilt and shame. But I do wonder how that experience has informed or shaped so many of my others. 

My brother touched me when I was younger. He pulled down my pants from behind and he touches me. I think it was twice and then my mom saw and freaked out and blamed me. 

Not that we had a great relationship to begin with but that certainly didn’t make it better. 

I think part of the blame was because it was already hard for her to bond with me and not her first born so it was easier for her to make it seem like i was the bad child, asking for it, when I was 7 or 8. 

There were other instances where she slut shammed me at 11 and 13. And she tried again just this past year at 28. It’s crazy how that made me remember stuff from childhood. 

I don’t want to carry this sadness or guilt or shame around with me anymore and my brother owning up to it and apologizing is a great first step to me finally acknowledging that it happened. 

i know a few things for sure.

 I am not what happened to me. 

it was not my fault. 

there was nothing I could have done to prevent it.

I forgive him.

I forgive myself. 

I forgive my Mother. 

I know that she was having a parallel experience to me and that must have been hard to deal with and maybe she wasn’t strong enough because she didn’t have a supportive network. 

I won’t let this hold me back but I am setting it down so that I can process it in a loving way and grow. 

[allthebooksallthecoffee]

Day 25: human is what we are

stay curious

.

__1.__What is your idea of perfect happiness?

outdoor space, a loving partner, animals, time to write, a garden

__2.__What is your greatest fear?

being inadequate

__3.__What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?

trying to impress others

__4.__What is the trait you most deplore in others?

trying to impress others - maybe because i know it comes from insecurity.

__5.__Which living person do you most admire?

Diana Dyer. I love how baller and confident she is. Elegant. Graceful and so so strong. Caring. Considerate. Exactly who I want to be. 

__6.__What is your greatest extravagance?

Skincare. But it’s how you greet the world! 

__7.__What is your current state of mind?

Calm, happy, relaxed. 

__8.__What do you consider the most overrated virtue?

I guess Temperance but to be honest I think they are all important.

__9.__On what occasion do you lie?

To spare people’s feelings or to massage a situation into what I want. Though it doesn’t always work out. 

__10.__What do you most dislike about your appearance?

My stomach, i wish it was flatter and the bags under my eyes. 

__11.__Which living person do you most despise?

I don’t really know. I try not to give energy to that kind of thing. But if I had to describe a terrible person it would be Dave’s ex wife Kristin. 

__12.__What is the quality you most like in a man?

Honesty / Integrity 

__13.__What is the quality you most like in a woman?

Honesty / Integrity 

__14.__Which words or phrases do you most overuse?

“you know what I mean” or “does that make sense”

__15.__What or who is the greatest love of your life?

GM was something real, something unmatched and never felt before. James is also some sort of soulmate, maybe in a past life. 

__16.__When and where were you happiest?

Him kissing my shoulder, tangled in our sheets. Just us two. 

__17.__Which talent would you most like to have?

Being able to sing.

__18.__If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

I would make myself smarter. 

__19.__What do you consider your greatest achievement?

Helping women understand their own power and encouraging them to want more for themselves. 

__20.__If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be?

I would come back as a bird in Brazil. Flying above everything. Feeling the breeze.

__21.__Where would you most like to live?

Brazil

__22.__What is your most treasured possession?

Jewellery that was given to me by my Grandma

__23.__What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?

Jealousy - when you love someone and they love another that you know

__24.__What is your favorite occupation?

C suite CEO

__25.__What is your most marked characteristic?

Dimples and a quiet voice

__26.__What do you most value in your friends?

Dependability and support

__27.__Who are your favorite writers?

Faulkner, Nora Ehpron, Anais Nin

__28.__Who is your hero of fiction?

Belinda, always Belinda

__29.__Which historical figure do you most identify with?

Hillary Clinton

__30.__Who are your heroes in real life?

My dad. My grandma. Diana. Gail. Margot Forsyth

__31.__What are your favorite names?

Electra // Hudson // James // Harrow

__32.__What is it that you most dislike?

Jessica / Mike / Sarah 

__33.__What is your greatest regret?

having a terrible relationship with my mother

__34.__How would you like to die?

quickly

__35.__What is your motto?

Keep what you can live with - change what you can’t

[allthebooksallthecoffee]

Day 24: human is what we are

choose your own adventure

what is it you want to say but haven’t said yet

corrective feedback.

to tell people exactly how I feel and what I think. to tell the truth. 

to say how I feel especially when it’s the good things. 

I love you I miss you I want you I need you. All of it. 

I think we need to be better about saying all of it. I’m so done with not saying things because I’m not supposed to. 

I’m done with the mask. 

I just want to be in love with life and myself and say how I feel. Not pretend I’m cool and that I don’t like someone or I can’t do this because of that etc. 

I have finally started to catch my reflection in the mirror and think I am beautiful. Maybe I am seeing myself, finally, the way other people see me. 

It’s a good feeling. To feel beautiful in that way. 

Natural. No makeup. Hair down. Just me. 

I miss him a lot. Still. The dog is fantastic and definitely helps mitigate the deep sense of loneliness and loss that I feel but man - I loved him so. 

I loved him so. 

It doesn’t hurt as much anymore. Of course I knew the sadness wouldn’t be forever it still has started to leave earlier than I thought. 

Part of me still feels mid-transformation. 

There is something else coming and this is just a part of it. The heartbreak was necessary for something. I have to believe that. 

It’s been true in the past (there is my classifying thought process again).

I want to tell him I love him again. Right in his face. 

Tell them. Always tell them. 

Otherwise things just remain unknown. 

[allthebooksallthecoffee]

Day 20 : human is what we are

spring heart jammin’

It’s here. Finally. I’ve been waiting. As this winter took so much from me. I never noticed the darkness more than I did this year. 

It made me tune in and recoil. It made me work for peace and clarity. I had to step outside of what I knew and what I was comfortable with and be okay with that unknown, the untested. I had to do that with a big life choice which is not an easy transition. 

But that’s what winter is for - barring down. Keeping what you need. Huddling in. Only the things that matter stay with you. Winter presents an interesting obstacle for relationships. Will you travel through the cold to maintain the friendship? Depends, doesn’t it? So what is the winter teaching us? 

Maybe it’s just that we need to hibernate as much as the bears do. 

the moment i always miss from spring is the smell. does that count? 

with spring comes hope. the flowers represent that. 

nature is truly the best teacher, isn’t it? 

It knows how to re-birth. It knows how to let go. It knows how to recreate itself year after year. 

Spring is also my birthday so maybe that’s another reason that I like it. 

April is a beautiful month. I feel more like myself when I’m in it. When the sun is back and the jackets come off. When I can step on the dirt and bring flowers home in my arms. 

When I can feel the sun pouring in through the windows again. 

We need it. The perceived hope that spring brings us. The idea that we have the opportunity to change and clean things out again. This marker of time that varies but we still respect it as a theory. We change our actual schedule of time to coincide with it. We sun worship - to a certain extent. I am okay with this. 

I need the reminder for hope too. We all do. 

So there you have it - I am hopeful. I really am. I feel like I’m on a good track and I just have to stay tuned in to myself. 

Time to be re-born again just like the spring.