No.383
2 years ago 2013 on the 23rd of November I landed off at Noi Bai Airport. It was my mother's birthday and I intended to surprise her giving her the best present she would ever think of: me showing up at the door after years studying abroad and never coming back on holidays. I was all alone going, no one knew about my arrival date and time and even when I would come back because I wanted to make it the most surprising thing my mother could get for her birthday... It was exactly on that day, when in the afternoon about 2pm something, my mother talked to me for hours, and hours, about... shits. That she expected my father to have an affair with one of the women in his office, they went off to Indonesia pretending it to be a business trip but actually committed adultery there. I could no longer remember how much she told me. She even thought someone wanted to kill her, that woman wanted to kill her to replace her in our family. I just remembered how insane all her stories were. It was crazy. And for hours I had to listen to her on and on about all of these cynical, ill and lethargic hallucinations. That was the first day I got back home, the very first day I landed in Hanoi. I arrived at 11 in the morning and few hours later all she welcomed me was hours of talking most depressing and insane stuffs that she had kept to herself for...years. And the days went on with her insanity, the phone rang and she wouldn't pick up or let me pick up, saying it was a threatening call or whatever it was there was no guarantee of safety and of that, some one was spying on us if we took it. The home phone was no longer used, as she said whoever needed to call her they could call her mobile phone. You know.... I have not talked to anyone, not even a single person about all these. It drove me crazy she drove me crazy I feel like suffocating everyday with her, and what was worse is that in the first few months I didn't go out much because going back home meant that I couldn't travel freely and safely. And funnily I felt like I need keep her company to let her let all out once for all. I thought I could be a saint like that, being there a listener to her but I was wrong. Because I suffered. I suffered every single day from her cynical and pessimistic darkness. I tried to listen and cheered her up I wanted to be patient and tolerant to, like, cure her mental illness. And these kind of things were not easy to share with someone outside, saying that 'oh my mother is mentally ill, she's a bit...' It's just too personal and private to talk easily... And I know if I got impatient and angry at her or being hot-tempered with her she would be hurt much more than normal people because she was really, really fragile. Some hurtful words could just easily break her tremendously. So I got to be extremely, extremely careful with how I acted and what I said to her. I think it was because of so many pressures like that, thinking all for her sake, that I had to take a good care of her, being a good listener being extremely patient not throwing tantrum at her I practically had to be silent to deal with her I couldn't even defend my father or tried to talk her out as her mind was set and it was like whatever else than her mind she wouldn't believe it, she only believed what she thought was the truth. I had to deal with her as a saint, while I'm not a saint, and I can't be... Never. Because I've got problems with her since a long time ago, which made me really sensitive, highly sensitive about things with her. It was... just crazy I don't know. So one day, I snapped. I really snapped. I got insane too. From being one extreme - being extremely silent and obedient and tolerate with her crazy stories and hallucination, I went to the opposite extreme - I screamed at her. I can't remember what she said again I just know I screamed something like 'okay I'll talk to dad then after that I hope you are okay so you could LET ME GOOOO, FAR FAR AWAY, LEAVE ME ALONEEEE because I can't be with you it's crazy' very, very loudly. Like a crazy insane patient myself. My mother burst into tears, so did I. It was hell for those months, from November till January, when it started getting more serious. Worse. Not better. This time as she wished, I asked my father to come face her talk with her with me there as a witness. It was an unforgettable night. Again she kept her own imagination, whatever she thought it must be right, others including me was just trying to defend my father or side with him or think she's crazy even though she said she's completely not crazy not making things up. She said everyone is trying to fool her but what she said is the truth. My father tried to explain again, explaining what he already told me about the situation. My mother never believed. I got crazy with her, seriously I was sensitive and very weak myself so if I am with her she just brings me down all together with her. That's why I got crazy too. I screamed like an insane again, seriously it was really, really, extremely suffocating. I just couldn't articulate the whole story all what happened that night even now. But I mentally suffered too, since the very first day I arrived at house and listened to her interminable talk. And every single day after that it was like living with a maniac. Imagine you got stuck with someone like that for months, unable to share with someone, I did go out, but it was completely different from being able to live away from an insane person.... That night... My mother stormed off the house, in the middle of the night, crying and saying nothing before she left. I was panicked I was scared I was really really scared something bad would happen to her and it was all my fault all because of me that I made her like that that I screamed at her and shocked her I was gravely in fear blaming myself for, I had tried so hard and was able to endure her for months, why did I just snap at the very last minute to make everything that I worked so hard suffered so hard for go wasted?!, I kept texting my mother and said sorry I was wrong it was all my fault please come back. Later I couldn't remember when she finally came back but all I know is, the moment she opened the door all she could say is 'yeah right I'm insane you all think so huh, whatever I said is crazy huh' and she went on and on throwing tantrum again. I was silent in tears. My father was also silent and made no further words anymore any longer for the rest of the night. At least my mother came back safe and sound, now I learnt the great lesson, I wouldn't try to talk her out any more nor would I help her clear her hallucination. The next morning she still went on about how we all think she was being crazy and all. We had silent breakfast and let her talk all she wanted... My father need go somewhere with her leaving me alone at home. I couldn't stand it further and finally, when sis Chinh - one of the good sisters I have - called me because I texted her saying I was not okay, I burst into tears and couldn't stop crying and I just cried and cried for all what happened... .... I'm writing this because I just wonder the current great depression I'm suffering was because of the past. Like a habit. The recurring feeling and emotional state of what had been occurred. Last year around November too, I got bad news that my grandmother suddenly passed away. I also skipped class and got depressed for whole month... Now I'm doing the same so... Maybe it's unrelated... I don't know. But I never clearly told this story until now. I never told anyone but sis Chinh until now. I just wanted to tell this now... Maybe I'm depressed again because of the past. Subconsciously I feel it again. Maybe. I don't know how I could smile brightly and be positive all time since coming to Japan after such experience. As if nothing like that ever happened. Sometimes it was like I made it forgotten to move on, to show a smile that was thought to exist because it had never suffered anything bad before that's why it could be that bright. But that smile is bright, because it has suffered. It's positive because it doesn't take pain for granted. The brighter it is, the harder it has suffered in the past. So I smile for the scars I've got, for the deep wound I've suffered, and for the past I've been through. Besides, if it's impossible to cry, might as well just keep smiling.