I want to thank every person in my life who took a piece of me with them when they left. Every person who broke me down until I was nothing but what they made of me. Every person who led me to put my guard up and keep it there. Every person who opened my eyes to a million different undecided possibilities. I want to thank them and tell each and every one of them about my appreciativeness towards the lessons they’ve given me. I appreciate the chapters in my life in which these people meant the world to me. I don’t regret one moment spent with misery and tragedy. I’ve befriended each heartache. Each moment spent lying in bed, emotionless, because these moments and feelings have formed me into the person I am today and I’ve learned a fucking lot. All those nights I dissociated myself into 5AM. The nights my derealization confused me into forgetting who I am. Preventing me from figuring myself out to begin with. Looking myself in the mirror, not recognizing a single crease in my face.
And to the man who broke me the most, I thank you for being a part of my younger life. When I was more impressionable and gullible. When I thought I knew everything I needed to know to survive in a world of hurt. Thank you for showing me I truly knew nothing, and had a lot more to learn, and of course still do. Thank you for teaching me most of the things I had yet to learn. In order to learn a lesson, you have to endure the mistakes first. You led me to believe I needed you in order to “remain” happy, even though I wasn’t. I believed exactly what you’d tell me. You morphed my brain into actually believing every single word that left your dirty, cynical mouth. That I was nothing before you, and would be nothing without you. That without you, I’d end up falling down a dark and lonely hole of disintegrating into severe self destruction and nothing more. I believed you. I trusted you. I obeyed every order you gave me as if I was a puppet on indestructible strings.
And for all of that, I thank you. When I finally saw the awful ways you treated me, I realized I deserved the opposite. I realized you stripped me of everything I knew about myself until, like I said earlier, I was nothing but what you made of me. Then you had left with all those pieces you robbed me of and kept them for yourself. I’ve had to learn about myself ever since then. I didn’t realize this until within these past few months even though you walked away four damn years ago. I guess that’s what I get for constantly going back to you up to over two years ago. It’s taken a very long time but I know one day this will all be worth it. Every day I try to better myself. I can only hope you’ve done the same.
I don’t hate you, but I sure as hell never loved you. I thought I did, but there’s a difference between love and obsession.
Obsession can be forced. You knew all the moves to make and all the words to say to keep me around because I was always your backup. You knew, no matter what you said or did to me, I’d always be that one person to lean back on to tell you how much I missed you, how much I wanted things to go back to the way they were, how much I wanted to see and hug you again. You knew, and took advantage of that. Sometimes you’d come back to me, pleading somebody broke your heart. Claiming you missed me too and I was always the one. Then, when somebody else came along, I’d lose you all over again. I’ve realized you were never really a loss, though. You were a lesson I gained. That’s all you ever were. A lesson. I made the mistakes, I fell into my naiveness, I went through all the desperation, the hoping, the wishing, the red puffy eyes, the weakness, the not eating and sleeping, the going on long runs to have at least one simple thing to focus on to keep you off my mind best I could. I went through it all. The vents by painting and writing, the social media stalking, everything. From fifteen years old, to nineteen, I have been deprived of self definition. I am just now beginning to see all the different good and not so good things about me. The things I struggle with and the reasons behind the struggling.
I am Nicole McGreevy. That’s not just my name. Nicole has various different meanings, but the main one is, ”victory of the people.” Although I have yet to gain the skills and confidence, I am a natural born leader. One day I’ll live up to that. Not to feel “above all” but to lead people in the right direction of faith and hope. Lead people to not give up. “Hope is a very dangerous thing to lose.” Although that is just a quote from a Tv show and nothing more, it holds so much truth. I’m not religious in the slightest, but I’m open minded to the thought of fate. One day, I want to lead people to see and think clearly without doing all the work for them of course. I just want to give everyone hope. Lead them to believe in hope.
And that is who I am. This is what I know so far. I could sit here and tell you my favorite color and how I love the way the sunset sits just right, but I don’t believe these things fully describe who I am. These are just qualities of personality, and I’m learning more every day.
So once and for all, thank you. To everyone. Not just the one who taught me the most lessons, but everyone else who has contributed. I am growing and learning every single new day, thanks to you, but most importantly, thanks to me.
