Are You a 3-Hole Punch?
Women Who Choose Bear
The Checklist
Ah yes, the modern feminist warrior—loud, independent, full of rage against men, yet somehow found time to get folded in a dirty club bathroom by Chad with a sleeve tattoo. But men are the problem, right? Right?
Fast forward: she’s suddenly a wilderness expert. She's choosing bear. Why? Because the idea of a strong, violent beast mauling her is somehow more appealing than a nice guy who’d actually text her back. And we’re supposed to take this seriously?
Let’s break it down. If you check three or more of these, congrats—you’re a walking 3-hole punch, pre-stamped for bad decisions and a grizzly fate.
✔️ THE CHOOSE BEAR CHECKLIST
✅ Screams "Men Are Trash" but Had More Bodies Than a War Zone
Ah, yes. Men are evil, but you’ve let half the tri-state area hit raw like they were breaking in a rental car. Now it’s time to "reclaim" yourself… by fantasizing about being gutted by a wild animal.
✅ Posts About “Leaving Society” but Can’t Change a Tire
Baby girl, you’re gonna “go feral in the woods?” With what skills? You can’t even make scrambled eggs without burning the pan. The bear isn’t gonna be your “protector.” It’s gonna be your executioner.
✅ Says "I Hate Men" but Hopes the Bear is a Male
Let’s be real. You don’t want just any bear—you want a big, hulking, dominant bear. Daddy Bear. You're not choosing a bear, you’re choosing a bigger, furrier version of the toxic men you already chase.
✅ Fantasizes About a Violent Death Like It’s a Kink
The idea of being dragged into a cave and torn apart? Suddenly, it’s poetry. You don’t want safety, you want danger with a fur coat. Just say you have a destruction fetish and go.
✅ Wants Wilderness, But Can’t Survive Without a Phone Charger
“I’m leaving society.” Are you? Because the second you lose signal, you’re crying. The second your oat milk runs out, you’re contemplating cannibalism.
✅ Thinks She’d Be “Different” from Other Prey
You genuinely believe a bear wouldn’t maul you because you’d “understand it.” Girl, it doesn’t care about your Instagram aesthetic. You’re a snack, not a soulmate.
✅ Went From Party Hoe to Survivalist in a Week
One week it’s “F*ck men, let’s get drunk.” The next? “I belong in the wild, men are obsolete.” You belong in therapy, not a bear’s digestive tract.
✅ Has a Death Wish, But Only for Aesthetic Purposes
It’s not real wilderness desire. It’s Lana Del Rey lyrics, a soft fade filter, and a vague TikTok caption. You don’t wanna die, you just want attention and an excuse to avoid accountability.
✅ Thinks She’s “Healing” by Running into the Woods to Get Eaten
Babe, that’s not healing. That’s called suicidal ideation with extra steps. You don’t need a bear to end your suffering—you need a psychiatrist and some accountability.
🐻 CONCLUSION: CHOOSE LOGIC, NOT BEAR
At the end of the day, "Choose Bear" is just another way to avoid accountability. A bear won’t ghost you, won’t ask you about your past, won’t tell you to get your life together.
It’ll just rip your throat out, no questions asked. And for some of y’all? That’s the fantasy.
🔥 REBLOG If You’re Choosing a Tax Bracket Over a Bear! 🍳