#3rddegree

[youroblivion]

Blind Spectrum

Is it love, or just my silver cup? I ran outside today, seeing confusion. I didn’t know if I was truly awake anymore. But I felt alive. A tragedy turned art.

Fiery winds twirling in the grass. Just before that green bush, the one outside of the dining room window, how could I forget it. I stood near that brown picket fence, avoiding what intrigued me most. Avoiding the very thing I could not touch, but could feel deep inside. I saw the periwinkle sky, my eyes painted an image that was beyond scorched pavement. Bright yellow, orange tints, golden and black embers with subtle notes of blue, swirling… green grass, holding on to every bit hue remaining. My silver cup falls, I can’t run away from this. A moment of infatuation, became entrapment. Blinded by beauty, danger found its control.

[youroblivion]

Last flame dancing. We set it free. Gratitude. I’m thankful for the moments. Time. Prolonged, overdue, but a time well-wasted. Transparency. The image I believed was clear as virgin glass, was a wall painted with vivid dreams. A wall of reflection. A wall with a lesson. The saying goes “you’ll never see change without a fire,” so it breaks me only a little as I light this black match, who will burn? I close my eyes, and you become Jericho, the fire is bright, and I can’t breathe…for just a moment. My eyes open and you’re no longer standing. As I watch the last flame dance, it’s the only remnant of what I can take back. The fire I gave you then. Dancing in the third degree, thank you for burning bright.

[youroblivion]

Freedom is a sunset through the blinds.

Freedom is a mind that flows without restriction. Freedom is contralto words of beauty, no matter how ugly. Freedom is what we see when we close our eyes. Freedom is the river of blood that renders us vital. Freedom is the breath, first til final ascension.

Freedom is a sunset that’s ever-promising.

[youroblivion]

I still take those walks

“On these days, I still think about you. We don’t speak anymore, I don’t know where I went wrong. Even though you said it was you. I don’t hate you. How can I? You are a wonderful, inspiring person. I hope all is well. I hope your baby is doing well in daycare and I’m pretty sure he’s reached all those milestones he was closing in on. Adorable kid. By the way, I’m taking your advice in starting school. I’ll have to decide soon. I’m on the fence about going for my massage therapy license that we talked about. You even gave me the name for my business if it got to that point. “Oasis”. But obtaining my LPN certification has been heavier on my heart. I know I can do it. I know if I told you, you’d be proud. Just as I am of you. I still go to the gym Monday through Friday, I’ve been so consistent and making lots of progress. Some days I hope I run into you there. But I know it’s only a 10% chance of ever run into you at my location. I’m there at 11. I still think about our conversations, the openness and odd but comforting similarities we shared. It was almost too close to believe. Felt like we were the same person at times. We’d say perfection doesn’t exist, but when I’d talk to you, even look at you, I saw the closest thing to it. Ive accomplished so much these past few months. Aren’t you proud of me? Im breathing. Im happier. Quieter. Healthier. I took a chance and let optimism take over. And it won. I’m okay now. I don’t want to die anymore. I love myself again. I never got to update you directly. I wish I could’ve. I hope all continues to elevate for you and your family. Your baby is blessed with the heart that is raising him. And I’m blessed to have met you. See you one day.”

[youroblivion]

Peso... Joga... ginga... roda…

[youroblivion]

“Everyday is a struggle for my spirit to survive”

Some days, all I can do is sit on the edge of the tub for a few minutes, cry it out, then get dinner ready for the family. Today is that day. I met a girl, months ago actually. Today, I met her again, in her new life. She was my old life. She is 19, I was 19, both unlocking our unknown thirst for that neo soul balance. Crazy before, discovering her calm now. I discovered my calm then, but crazy now? I’d say I’m balancing on one foot, so don’t blame me if you’re knowingly in my way. Today, she was vital, just as I was declining in emotion. I wanted to hold her, but didn’t want to invite myself into assumption. I saw my old life. A past moment where I was in my deepest stage of calm. When that neo soul balance was redefining who I was. D’angelo in the background during the day, Maxwell serenading me in the night. She’s growing, from her old life, into my old life, becoming her new life. For now. I don’t want her to escape it, just as I wish I could go back. Even if for a night. Lay me across the foot of my bed one last time, turn the volume up a little louder, for only my soul to catch, and allow me to breathe. Eyes closed. Lights off. Fluidity…

[youroblivion]

This isn’t about settling a score. It was about release. I wasn’t born to be a martyr, and I refuse to allow to be used as such. Sights were set on me, specifically. But if he loves and values us so much, why did he allow such brutality to the innocent? Why did he allow such lonesome and somber to the weary? We wait for good things only for the rain to pierce heavier eventually washing away a frightened grip. A sense of hope turned to a traumatic nightmare in which we’ll never forget. Why? Hope, it slipped from my hands, and you were okay with that. You started a game that i never agreed to play, and I’ve still refused to give in. So you penalize, thinking you’re winning each time. I have never been a part of this, let me breathe. I don’t want to settle this score. You promised you wouldn’t do that to me…3rd degree

[youroblivion]

BioWall

To Eye, I fell weary to a moment these last two days, i see… being groomed by a submissive, sheltered Aquarius. A headstrong, stubborn Taurus. I’ve fallen victim to both. The soothing, side of my mother yet I’ve witnessed the weakest days of her. My father, who seeks control and must always be right, even when he knows… I don’t know where I fall in anymore. I’m trying to escape it. Some days I’m out of character. Then I realize, that was completely out of my control… for the moment. Irrational, pulling power from the simplicity of another. “You weren’t good enough”, flows through my sensitive ears, out of my beautiful mouth, running ugly to innocent hearts. I regret my words, then the softness of my maternal nature brews. I want closure that I’ll never receive. Trying to fix the chaos that my paternal nature created. We conflict…eye and eye, you and I, they and I, my eyes fall half open. Wishing to close them to escape the chaos my paternal creates. Needing to keep them open to ensure my maternal doesn’t fall into a trap. I still conflict. The victim I wish to not claim, I create more, undeserving out of momental disrupt. I should’ve wrote it out. Maybe I’d have thought twice. Maybe I’d have walked calm. Half wall. Half glass. The finger prints trace across both. Who am Eye?