#4.11.2020

[desorden-en-letras]

Sir. Black Sould

[puregrief]

"وفضلت في كول مع واحدة سعودية تقريبًا ومعاها فلوس كتير فشخ وبتاع وبتتكلم إنه عاملين authorization ع الكارت بتاعها ب٧ آلاف دولار وبتاع وفضلت تتكلم بالعربي مع البنك بتاعها وكانت بتكلمني بردو وأنا بمنع نفسي أرد بالعربي والموضوع صعب فشخ بس كان حلو فشخ إني فاهمة لغتين ومش باين عليا، وفضلت مع فريق الفلوس ده ع الناحية التانية والبنت بتهزر معايا وكان وقت صعب بس هزرنا حبة وعرفت أتكلم مع الست، لكن السعودية دي فين وفين لما شكرتني مع إني معاها ع الكول أكتر من ساعة وكمان عمالة تقولي من الصبح 'ماي ليييدييي لييييسننننن، يوووو دوووونت انضرصطاااانضضضض' اللي هو أحا فق يو بيتش!"

[mayor-brandy]

Brandy might live on an island now but she will always be the mayor of a little town, first and foremost. 💚

[devonjwerkheiser]

devonwerkharder “it looks like Biden will win • 🤞 • none of this feels good • there’s nothing to gloat about • what a sad, broken, democracy we find ourselves in • what a sad display by the Democratic Party to not win the Senate, to lose house seats, to lose Latinos • what an out of touch media establishment that relies on polls that don’t work and outdated opinions on what the people want but speaks as if they hold the truth • what a sad GOP voter base that re-elected Mitch McConnell and Lindsey Graham and voted in mass for the child caging, pussy grabbing, COVID spreading Trump and his deranged little family to stay in power • sad for my country • but maybe we can begin to heal and reform now • maybe from this we grow • maybe......... ••• shot by @scottsimock • assorted feelings of 2020 • Bernie has been right all along •”

[wanderlost-soulitude]

I know we're not supposed to use the word "depressed" carelessly, but it's so hard to explain sadness that feels so big and heavy.

I know the difference, logically, fundamentally... but emotionally, it's hard to figure it out.

I know what happiness is like. I laugh at funny jokes, funny memes; there's still that uncontrollable, bubbly feeling of excitement whenever the fanfic, manga, or webtoon I follow updates. And I still can't help but coo and smile when cute cats rub against my calves.

I know what sadness is like too. My mom died when I was 15. I don't know what to do. I have no dreams. I am lost, and I have no one to truly lean on.

But at the age of 19, no matter how well I know love and happiness, I can't help but blame myself for every single wrong thing that has happened in my life. I've never been this strongly slapped in the face by the fact that, no matter how hard I work, it’s still not enough to be on par with those born with natural talent. I know it’s naturally like that, and I shouldn’t bother comparing myself to others, but being constantly surrounded by people who are better than me and by people who constantly point out my mistakes, both in school and at home, makes it hard for me to find the strength I once had to be confidently me.

It’s hard because no matter how much I try to stop putting myself down, stop hurting myself for doing something wrong, or stop yelling in my head about how I could have done things better, I just can’t.

I just can't help but slap myself, hit my leg, or call myself names to remind myself that I could have done better, that I shouldn’t have done that, and that I should never do it again.

Sometimes it’s so hard that I just want to die and disappear. But I know what happiness is; I know what love is. I don’t want to make the people who made me feel loved and happy sad. I remember what it was like to love myself, to accept mistakes and move on, but one day it just stopped working.

It’s funny how a single backhanded comment from my calculus professor can shut down the part of my brain that holds me together.

I went to university that morning, still stressed from everything college brings, but I had the drive to finish everything. Then I went to calculus class. The professor made that comment, and I went home thinking about how incompetent I am at everything.

I still know what love and happiness are, but the sadness burns too much—it hurts a lot. I thought I was lost before, but now I really don’t know what to do or where to go. I wish I could still love myself the way I used to, because I don’t want to feel this way anymore.

[prosy-days]

November 4, 2020 - Day 138

I’m definitely enjoying making all sorts of doilys.

[godsnameisjoy]

SENSIBILITY

Date: 4 November 2020

Duration: 69 minutes at 9:41 pm

Depth:

The shakings seem to be growing less aggressive. Yesterday and today, there were shakes alright but they weren’t the throw-me-out-of-the-seat kind. ‘Definitely not aggressive anymore. The shakes seem to be growing mellow. That’s good. If all the surplus energy has found proper passage, I am good. Only time will tell if the distracting trembles are on their way out or not.

With several failed attempts at ‘meditating all the time’ during the day, I found myself doubting my sincerity while meditating tonight. In turn, this hampered with my surrender. That’s ok because I meditated. Everything seems good because I have meditated.

There was considerable depth in my concentration tonight but I didn’t have it in me to hold those depths sensibly. That’s ok. If this is the right way forward, so be it. If a certain depth of mind is going to make me aware of my lack of sensibility, so be it.

[killedbycorona]

your hearts break for me as my heart breaks for him. I want to show him everything

I don’t feel comfortable being in my grief with you - I didn’t feel comfortable in my good with you

I just had him here how did he leave that fast

The hardest two weeks of my life and he flashed before my eyes

panicking so deep I can’t stand right or sleep at night chest is tight body’s at fight and flight using all my might to keep him from walking towards the light but his goal is in sight and I can’t try to fight he leaves his body to fly like a kite runs his body’s energy to white across the country there is no sight isolated darkness nothing is bright sinking my teeth in won’t take a bite adrenals spiking in the fright sinking too low to jump from this height still won’t stay all despite his plight to his wife hardest two weeks of my life

did you know he never grew orchids? I have three now, though. he didn’t grow any of the flowers in these bouquets yet I have roses til the end of my days. he didn’t even have sunflowers but he had all the sunshine. the magic of his backyard garden was always mine