RIP Daddy Podge

[killedbycorona]

5 years today. there’s no end in sight.

[killedbycorona]

oh I’m fucking sick bro. I’m trying to stop lying when about when I’m in pain and trying to stop my pattern of being vulnerable and then shutting down before I can let anyone take care of me or respond. I think I’m pretending things are better? they are at some points like I’m working really hard on my sleep and and and. my dad isn’t here to help me through it? my dad isn’t here to see anything or do anything or help me breathe because I can’t breathe and I can breathe and it’s good I’m alive but it’s crazy because he stopped being able to breathe without a ventilator and I can’t breathe without my mom or Matt calming me down and I’m trying to be honest about my pain and not pretend it’s not here but I wish my dad was here instead of my pain and I can’t believe I am taking off work to see his stone with his best friend who I really need to call more so I can have a sense that my dad is still alive through stories but he’s not alive. And I’m so fucking tired of my teacher saying everything is victomhood because now I can’t ask for help without thinking I’m playing the victim. shut the fuck up. how could you make a joke that my dad ghosted me? where’s your sovereignty in that? God fuck. This fucking email. I feel insane. I’m trying to see the good in everything still but having this rage underneath makes me feel like a liar when I know rationally I can have conflicting emotions. Fuck dude. This email bro.

global health emergency is all done! went bye bye! and my dad didn’t survive? three years later and everything is getting all “normal” post covid but my dad’s in the fucking ground and the sky? if I am okay during the day, it all crashes down on me at night. I’m sick bro I’m fucking sick I fucking hate this I will never stop being enraged fuck this. He should be here what the fuck

I wish I was in Colorado with everyone who took care of me then and not in New York because these feelings… I feel like I did three years ago. I’m in a moldy basement apartment with a mealtrain and buttered noodles and peas and donations and so many dying orchids. everything in a box. my hair to my belly, long and brown. ptsd bro. everyone visiting in masks and panic attacks. fuck

[killedbycorona]

These were the kinds of days that took months to push past through

Now they’re days

[killedbycorona]

I need bright greens and Charleston today

I’m in quarantine keeping everyone away

she radiates the first bloom of spring

quarantunes

queerantine

[killedbycorona]







My dad is intubated and asleep for a few days at least. He didn't read my text before going under. He's the highest risk case right now

I'm really fucking mad at [redacted] and blocked her for these texts. I even blew my matches before responding and just because she can't ask for help doesn't mean she needs to hit my match! My brother and mom are heavily affecting me. I emailed [redacted] last night after the live stream and am anxiously waiting for her response. I have so much fear in my space that doesn't feel good but does feel like it's moving. I think I can talk to my dad if I'm at white but I'm still so clogged that meditating is only clearing and not receiving or being inspired (from tm class). I hate the forced isolation a lot. I hate the desire to be saved and now seem like I'm not doing enough. Again, and I can not stress this enough, fuck you [redacted], you damn ascension haggardly skunk. I hate the seriousness of this and feel my family's seriousness a lot. They keep saying for us to lean on one another but they don’t feel like people I can lean on therefore it's hard to want to support them. I feel like I'm holding them up. My dad is totally isolated and out of his body. I'm terrified he's going to get a walk in being. I'm terrified he's going to die. I don't think I had a mock up to lose my dad at only 22. Maybe I was too comfortable financially and this was our family mock up but I fucking hope not. I really want him to live. My cousin is a nurse and was the one who told us to get him help and what help to get. My cousin is in the mentality to accept and prepare for either. I'm in the mentality that my dad can heal if he wants to, I just don’t know what he wants. And I want him to live and I want to talk to him and run white but I'm not sure how to do this alone. I can ask for help from someone but I kinda want it to be miwa in case he's not at white and idk where he is. I feel like I don’t have the answers within accessible time me right now, (again, [redacted], I should've blocked her so long ago). I'm so tired. I'm scared. I'm sad. I feel so much lack and not enough space from my mom and brother. It's too much. Yesterday this just felt like a growth period from class but now my dad is really sick and it's annoying to think he is sick when I keep saying "I know he is fine I know he's ok he's always ok" and he's held space for us all for so long so maybe it's him having space held now. My neighbors are so fucking loud. I might fall asleep. This is so bad

[killedbycorona]

I tried calling a hotline, I promise I’m safe I just needed to talk to someone. A lot of people say they’re here for me but I can’t trust that they will catch me. Oh my god though, I called the Trevor project and this bitch was blowing my mind. It was so bad and so dumb. the only reason I could stop crying was because of how awkward the silences were. could barely hear and couldn’t keep hearing “take it day by day”. I know I need to catch myself, but holy fuck it is so hard wanting to hear what I need to be told or want to hear and hearing it so rarely. I’m really grateful for my support team. I’m just a bit scared to fall asleep and wake up to worse news. I know this is the worst of it and I’ll get through it and this too shall pass and this isn’t the end.

I’m safe but I called a hotline so I could talk to someone. I really don’t know if I can trust my friends to catch me when they tell me they’re here for me. this hotline person didn’t help at all. I only stopped crying because the silences were so awkward lmao. I know my dad will be ok. I know you don’t know what’s going on with that right now and that’s ok, it’s a lot to carry and you don’t need to know it at 3:30. I think I’m just scared to go to sleep and wake up to worse news. I hope this is the worst of it and that it can only change for the better from here but I don’t know how I can know that. I know I have to be in present time, I just hate it. I really am scared about all responses I receive from everyone but my teacher. She told me all my tools are valid and I’m not helpless, the energy in my space may have me believe so though. and I know that I have support and am never alone. And I can go to the ascended masters or whoever I need for deeper help. Another asshole lady was an ascension haggardly skunk and shamed me for asking for help. Her own shame, of course, but strong enough to hit me where it hurts. I can’t meditate every second but I don’t want to let the fear consume me. I’m scared of being scared and I just want this to end and I want to talk to my dad and I can’t. And my family says we have to rely on each other but I don’t rely on them for regular life stuff as it is. and I think the weight of their grief is just as heavy as the weight of the world. I can’t find my oxygen mask to put it on first and I feel like I’m walking in a dark forest waiting to be saved but I was the only one told which way to go and I have to trust that over the fear. but it’s really deep within there. I said this year’s word was Aliya because it means to rise up [to the challenges of life]. I seriously get it now. I just want a break. I am so heartbroken and so tired of it all. I think sometimes it’s quite weird and impossible to be so sensitive but here I am doing the impossible but making it just as weird. I know this is long. I don’t know how to share this so I suppose this is a risk. I really don’t like getting this deep with people so fast so I’m uncomfortable but I guess thats where the growth is so here goes it

^10 mins 3:25-3:37am 3.22.20

I think I wish it were instead of him but maybe not. I feel I would have more control of it was

[killedbycorona]

Yea! I have no updates on my dad yet today. I’m waiting until later to get them. As far as readings, I offer hour long sessions. There are two formats, one is I read a present time snapshot of what’s going on energetically with the readee and then most of the reading is answering questions that are on anything and the last ten minutes are healing on any topic. The other reading format is where I’ll read the snapshot, a past life or two, and each chakra individually (so no open ended questions or healing in that one). These are both very flexible! As far as pet readings, those are flexible as well! For 50 minutes I’ll read any questions that are had and communicate on behalf of the animal. Healing for the last ten minutes there :)

It’s my favorite thing to do in the world I love it so much!

[killedbycorona]

not panicking finally but still incredibly scared and sad. very much feeling the weight and trauma of this all and trying to see more than just the worst of things. very isolated and very gentle if I can be. How are you?

[killedbycorona]

ok.

I’m really bad. I have moments in my day where I’m better and feel safer in this world and moments where I’m curled up screaming. I have my teacher who I’m on the phone with constantly but my body is becoming so fucked from the constant stress and fear. It’s hard to eat and I can’t fall asleep until the last end bc I’m scared to wake up to bad news. There’s nothing I can do at this point for my dad except give him time. I’m safe, have a rare intrusive thought and overall am unbelievably tired. I reached out to ray in panic which showed me that they can’t be who I need them to be based on their own fears. I think I threw enough back at them though to make them feel like an ass after they condescended me and for making an assumption. I want closure with them because I’m scared I won’t get it with my dad and honestly, the normalcy of obsessing over my silence with them brings familiarity that I’m aware isn’t good for me but is at least familiar. I often feel sick even though I feel hope at other times. I’m just living through this seemingly endless trauma and I think I’d prefer it endless if that means keeping my dad alive. I feel so fucked. I feel SO fucked. I just feel fucked. And I’m so afraid to talk to my mom and brother. I don’t want it to be just us three. I’m so tired

yea I feel like not only did I cause the world pandemic, but I have to save my dad which takes away his autonomy as a soul and throws me in heart attack like panic attacks

[killedbycorona]

It’s so nice to see a man who loved so much of the world

Give me all the love in the world, I’ll always be your little girl... and your gay son

God give me strength to finish this life in beauty for the both of us

No neutrality to this reality

Maybe you’ll beat me in boggle the next round

Boy there sure are a lot of goyim around here

[killedbycorona]

you’re sending peace but where are you sourcing it from

[killedbycorona]

‪I didn’t realize it would hurt to look at Harry Styles... I didn’t realize I wouldn’t be able to not see my dad looking at him. Maybe it’s why I always wanted Harry’s love -I put my dad’s love into him and made it unobtainable. but my dad loves me so much. loved me. forever ‬

I keep seeing 71 texts and all these messages and comments and I don’t get it. I am in shock. I don’t get it. It comes in small moments like above. or seeing kasey musgraves’ nose and realizing I’ll never see his nose again. or that we won’t talk about shows again. and won’t go to red rocks

[killedbycorona]

death roses:

I don’t want to see

Distraction

This can’t be real, I’m making this up, it doesn’t make sense

Resistance in general

[killedbycorona]

Ice cream waffles

Watching tv

Impractical jokers

Harry styles

I wanted to take him to concerts

Should I try some

Shows me all the food and asks about it all

I now get why I love the beach and flowers and how deeply I want to be in the moment

I look at you all and see him because I see me

The beach and flowers and clouds

That laughter heals so deeply, as much as I think pain does

He was insensitive and I a sponge and we finally worked beautifully

I see him

Be in the moment find joy in the simplicities

“Don’t smile”

He says fight on state

[killedbycorona]

Thank you to everyone who joined in my family’s Shiva over zoom. There were 140 screens on at one point (200 people I think). It was, for the worst reason, really beautiful to see everyone there. It was incredibly powerful for me to see the meaningful relationships from my childhood and remember where I come from. I am constantly reminded through this process they love exists and is meant to last. I think I’m safely learning that it is ok to reconnect with folks. It’s ok to be in the moment, as my dad always was, and to tell people nice or funny things when they come up. I don’t need to shut down these “thinking of you” moments. I know his impact goes so much farther than I realized. It goes farther than family, farther than my friends, farther than my brother’s friends, coworkers... everyone was able to be my dad’s friend because he was able to be a friend to anyone who needed one. I’m learning he has been able to be so much to so many people -a mentor, a second father, a brother.. overall, a mensch! I am so tired but I love for moments of connection like these. I’m so grateful to see old faces and him through all of us. We keep his legacy going by being with one another and watching his light beam from all of us. He really loved my family. That point was driven so deeply tonight. I’ve always thought you can only know others by bonding through pain, past trauma or future fears and being highly sensitive to, well, everything. Turns out, you can bond just as easily and make just as big of an impact, maybe more, by being present with people and making them smile. Thank you to everyone who has shared stories of our family. I know now how lucky I am to love the things I do. He gave me every platform to be the best version of myself and I will continue to do and be that for the rest of my life time. I really thank you all for coming and everyone who has supported myself and my family so far and who will continue to support us. May his light carry on and shine in all of you. Love always, Aliya Rae Cohen, kid of the kid from Brooklyn.

[killedbycorona]

Thank you so much, [redacted]. I was sorta very relieved seeing you on the call. I’ve been thinking of you a lot during this. Kind of how people saying “I can’t imagine what you’re going through” to me, and I then think “I can’t imagine what [redacted] went through” but it’s now somehow something I’m understanding a bit better. It truly doesn’t make sense to me and doesn’t feel real. I have no idea what I’m doing or how to do this. I don’t understand why people are messaging me and I don’t understand that he’s really gone. It doesn’t make sense to me. I only feel the reality of it through others and their pain and through how tired my body is. I’m not sure how this works. You have always role modeled such strength to me and it always came in waves to me how strong you are. I am not understanding why I’m strong through this since I’m in such deep shock and so removed from reality. What am I being strong about? “Everyone is staying inside from the virus, yea, I don’t have an income, whatever. These are all things we are all going through. Oh, yea, my dad did also die from it but what does that actually mean?” Idk. My head hurts so often. I feel so weird talking to so many people. So many messages and still somehow disconnected and none in celebration for anything. I’m very confused. Like I’m two inches tall and I was taken by a scientist and put into a clear box in a giant white room and I’m meant to sit and find meaning in all of this space. I’m not sure what to do or how you or anyone would respond to this. I’m not sure how inconvenient this is, either. I’m so confused receiving help and people wanting to help me and not letting me be a burden. It’s really challenging for me to have people hold me up and not let me play caretaker. And I can’t believe he’s really gone and 140 screens and nearly 200 people to explain to me what he meant and where he went and how dark this time is and how much he loved me. I know he loved me. How did you all know he loved me? Did you always think that or only now in this time of reflection? I’m not sure what any of this means. I’m sorry for ramblings and troubling you with this journal entry. I’m so confused

I have no idea

All over the place

Like a racecar

Sorta. More like a toy one meant for a track but it ends up full size and in real life on a dirt road and now has to do what it’s always meant to do but didn’t realize it would actually *have* to do

to [redacted]^

[killedbycorona]

I hope to one day somehow hear the story of his mother and the contractor. He said, another time