EXCLUSIVE: Five New MLS Rivalries to Get Excited About!
As Major League Soccer draws close to it's 20th year of play, the league has certainly formed its share of compelling rivalries - derbies, if you will. There are the classics (NY vs DC, Portland vs Seattle) along with a handful of rivalries which seem a bit more forced and fabricated. In that spirit, we decided to craft five rivalries of our own. Take a look:
New York Red Bulls vs Philadelphia Union Sludgefront Derby (Alternatively: The Carcinogen Derby) Separated by a mere 100 miles, Red Bull Arena and PPL Park are indeed two of Major League Soccer’s crown jewels. Visually, RBA is the closest thing any American has to a “cathedral” of soccer, while PPL - with its trademark riverfront view - boasts a more quaint, intimate vibe. Though traditionally overshadowed by the Atlantic Cup, the budding rivalry between the inhabitants of the two stadiums has in recent years picked up steam. While many have referred to this matchup as the “I-95 Derby,” we’re coining it the “Sludgefront Derby.” Yes, both stadiums are gleaming, fresh assemblages of iron and glass. But both are surrounded by some unsavory environmental elements. In Chester, Pennsylvania, the odors of nearby refineries and the screeching tires of high-speed police pursuits frame your soccer experience. In Harrison, New Jersey, the ruins of America’s industrial heritage and yoohoo-colored waters of the Passaic River welcome you with open arms.
Chivas USA vs New England Revolution The Tarp Derby Who’s ready for an exciting encounter between Chivas USA and the New England Revolution? Fans? Broadcasters? Anybody? Yes, there’s actually one group of folks that licks their chops at this match-up: the proud employees of America’s tarp manufacturers, who’ve managed to survive during some tough economic times based solely on income garnered from manufacturing plastic sheeting for these two franchises. The Revolution are traditional candidates for maximum tarpage: they play in an oversized stadium. The tarps are a necessity, optically, to cover tens of thousands of empty seats. Chivas, on the other hand, play in a soccer specific stadium - yet they still require tarps of their own. It’s a problem they won’t have to deal with for much longer.
Colorado Rapids vs Real Salt Lake The Medicinal Derby (alternatively: The String Cheese Incident derby, the 420 derby) Dick’s Sporting Goods park is among our favorite venues in MLS, its stepped overhangs designed to mirror the tectonic plates that created the Rocky Mountains (it’s true, look it up.) And now Colorado lawmakers have incentivized a visit to the Mile High State even more, legalizing the use of marijuana and making mid-July match ups between teams like the Rapids and FC Dallas remotely watchable. Things get even crunchier when a Kyle Beckerman-led Real Salt Lake side comes to town. Highlights of this derby include: watching Beckerman weave flowers into Nat Borchers’ beard, watching Beckerman’s dominating performance through midfield disintegrate when he just zones out and ‘feels the rain’ for ten minutes and watching Chris Wingert try and convince a paranoid Beckerman that no, Joao Plata is not an elf.
Leauge-wide The Awful Announcing Derby Yes, it’s not a traditional rivalry between two local opponents, it’s more of a take-no-prisoners, all-out melee between nearly every team in the league. We’ll use a World Cup style format for this, with compelling group stage round match-ups like "Marcelo Balboa vs whoever the hell that dude is from the Columbus Crew is that screams ‘YEAAAAHHHH BUDDY’” and an even better tag team matchup: LA (Cobi Jones & Joe Tutino) vs New England (Paul Mariner and Brad Feldman.) This will all lead up to the grand finale: a compelling encounter where Shep Messing butts heads with the commentary team from TSN. /shepvoice YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT NEEDING SOME EARMUFFS. YOU’LL NEVER SEE HYPERBOLES LIKE THESE. Ineligible for this competition: JP Dellacamera. Keep doing your thing.
DC United vs Vancouver Whitecaps The Long Tan Derby Frankly, we think it’s outrageous that the league even allows these franchises to exist after both of them cast the Tan-man aside like an old bag of moldy tangerines. Nevertheless, they continue to plod along in post-Tan misery, and every year they meet to decide which team has suffered worse for their incompetence. We'll add Orlando City SC to this mix when they join the league next year.