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No.498

I think of him a lot these days. It’s Period time. Maybe female hormones play a great part in this sexual craving and longing for him.

Also because of Period, I feel super quiet, kinda down, a bit numb and unfeeling but if feelings are articulated, they are usually prone to be depressing. Like the little chat on Facebook with Hasun after we went shopping, I ranted about the misplacement and emptiness for having nowhere to belong and struggling to find it still.

I want to get a full time job, anything that pays me well, so I could start saving up for Future, for an independent life, this must be the very last time I went back home unsettled and confusing about what to do again like this. LAST TIME.

I will get a job, earning my own living. And the next time I ever come back to Vietnam, I know where, when and why I need to do next after leaving.

I figure my psychological pattern based on menstruation now, knowing when I will be prone to depression and unproductivity. This means that, hopefully, I am increasingly in control of situations, and ready to take part in the real social world - Adult Life. Things started getting in shape, it’s no longer becoming sporadic, including the sentimental cycle and actions regarding Yosuke. It has been a great good time spent reconnecting to myself. Pray that I am really changing for good from now on.

Tomorrow I’m going back to Japan. My visa expires in October. I don’t know. Anything could happen. I won’t force myself to stay in Japan, if it isn’t meant to be. But I won’t force myself to go back to Vietnam either, especially if it’s still not tolerable. So let it be, hoping for all the best, and believing that IT’S ALL GONNA BE FINE.

I will be fine.

I will truly be fine.

Just smile :)

NO MATTER WHAT, KEEP SMILING.

#498th