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No.562

Sunday, 28th July, 2019. I got drowned.

...

Last Sunday I went swimming.

I was swimming. Then I was out of breath. The water level was too deep to stand. I panicked and forgot to float. I struggled under the water for an instance, like a flash of second I felt I was in the water suffering, a friend’s figure was not far away from me as if standing really close by.

The next thing I knew, my consciousness was back with hearing voices, a lot of voices in Japanese, like a chaos, noise. Somehow I had a feeling I was lying on the train and fainted suddenly and that’s why people surrounding called me waking me up on the train. I heard voices yet not yet waking up, hearing as if I was the third person looking at a girl lying on the floor. Then the voices were louder and crazier, drawing me in, and somehow I was back to my consciousness, opening my eyes and realizing I was in a room with people around. The first thing I asked was ‘What happened’. I felt like I blacked out for a long long time, long enough for my spirit to travel all the way to a train and construct a story of me fainting on the ground instead, before I travelled back to the present and being drawn back to the present by hearing those chaotic voices.

But later when my friend described the whole situation to me, it seemed that I was unconscious for a very short period of time, and surprisingly I screamed during that time, like in a great great pain, as my friend heard it and felt as if I was really really in great pain through my screaming. The guard recorded the time of incident, so Kim told me at 15:28 they recorded her running out towards the guard asking for ambulance, in about 9 minutes the ambulance came. I was not aware of anything since the moment I lost my consciousness. I just felt I was unconscious for really long until I finally woke up at that moment. And I was still completely in lost of details about the whole thing even after waking up. I remembered I vomited, I remembered they let me go through X-ray check or something (Kim later told me it was like 3D X-ray examination, after which they showed my lung was almost completely white, due to water inside my lung), then I remembered they moved me. But it was very vague. I still remembered I saw my cousin and Kim was still there the very last scene, that I said thank you to Kim and my cousin and my cousin said some consoling stuffs, later Kim said that time when Kim left the hospital it was already around 11pm something. I didn’t feel like so much time has passed like that since around 4pm when I was probably admitted to the hospital in the emergency room, then I spent the night in hospital feeling absolutely terrible in my chest, nauseous and vomiting time after time, I called the nurse to ask for medicine to stop the vomit in the middle of the night, but the nurse said something like it was probably not possible to have medicine today and I would have to wait. My left arm was heavy, because of multi-injection lines and a huge pack of cover. Sunday was probably the worst of all days I was hospitalized last week.

Yet probably the worst of worst, the greatest pain that I screamed out and which Kim felt so vividly through my screams, was, fortunately, optional in suffering. I did not suffer it, in a sense that, I was unconscious, so literally my body felt the sufferings fully, but somehow ‘I’ did not. It was like natural euthanasia made by my brain or something, it switched off at the hardest moment so that I don’t need to ‘feel’, when I don’t feel, I don’t suffer, my physical body has felt, not my... ‘feeling’, my spirit myself or whatever it is called.

But now that my mind and body are back together as one, now that my feelings no longer get numb thanks to instinctive euthanasia, I kept crying. I was okay, then I cried and I cried, I felt okay again, but talking or writing about it right now here I cried and cried again. I am completely emotionally unstable. It must be, indeed, a traumatic event. After all it was a near-death experience, and for one second, though brief, I really felt the torture of water, the suffocation, unable to breath then when breathing, breathing water in and absolutely suffocated and suffering. I felt death, and somehow unconsciousness i.e. fake death, felt such a relieve of such suffocation, of the great pain that was persisting and retaining.

I remember in Steve Job’s Commencement Speech addressed at Stanford University, he said nobody wants to die, even if someone wants to go to Heaven, no one wants to die to get into Heaven. What is to me is that, I don’t want to die, or even if I want, I wouldn’t EVER want to go through that suffer, that suffocation to get to Death. After Sunday, it was like, nothing I wished for more than a healthy state of body and mind and soul, no more the feeling of suffocation nor nauseous feelings nor pain. I don't want those things, it is worse than Death.

Suffering is worse than Death.

Now I am well physically, and so my mental and emotional stage finally caught up to the suffering of physical state. I just cried, emotional unstable, I just can't move on somehow. I could only cry. I don't even feel the suffocation for water any longer, of course, it’s already long physically gone, yet I kept crying, I kept feeling really really traumatized and unbalanced. And it was also because of the feeling of stress, that I don’t have time to rest, I only have 2 weeks left to clear everything for a flight home, due to my visa’s expiry date. But I truly feel like I am not ready mentally at all for a flight, nor a journey, or just anything regarding a movement, a decision-making, or just a change. Right now I just want to stay still and deal with my mental stage and try to heal. I just want to rest completely for healing, rid of emotional distress.

I can't just feel ready for anything at all right now.

And my left chest pain kicks start due to the overwhelming aftereffects, my left arm still feels heavy and painful due to all injections, more than 10 shots of injection are still visible in my left arm’s skin, the scars have not yet been gone.

I am not ready for any movement nor change nor anything at all, physically and mentally and emotionally.

It stresses me out. I think, then I cry, then I cry again. I texted my friends because of the overwhelming emotion. Again, she kindly said, ‘just take one step at a time, take deep breath, one step at a time’. I am trying. I tried to mediate. I hope I will be fine.

Suffering is worse than Death. No one wants to die. Nobody wants to suffer either.

Nobody wants to suffer in order to die. We don’t want to go through suffering just to get to Death. No no no. Nobody.

Nobody.

#562nd