#7.13.12

[ford-mustang-generation]

Auburn Cruise Night 7.13.12 by aresauburn™ on Flickr.

[thedumblyfe]

7.13.12

But to get back at that fight with my mom, when I think about the times I had at this summer program at Bing, all of my problems seem to dissolve on their own.

Wow, it's really great to have happy times with people. This is the only way I can truly stay happy to myself. 

[thedumblyfe]

7.13.12

The first thing I get when I come home is a huge awkward verbal fight with my mom at the chinese restaurant. My brother was there too, which made things even worse. 

Anyways, it was really depressing. After one week of a hell of an amazing, amazing time in Binghamton I just HAVE to get depressed by this fucking woman. I didn't participate in the fight today, my brother did. Although he is a douchebag, he's really critical at looking at other people's weaknesses and woes, and he uses them and attack anyone who thinks differently than him, like putting salt on a wound (no wonder everyone hates him). But some of the stuff he said were true.

About the part where she should stop dancing and fucking around with other men and start filing taxes for not only my financial aid for college, but also my brother's, who's going to college next year. About the part where she doesn't acknowledge any of our accomplishments or feats in school or anywhere (hell, she didn't even know what college I was going to until orientation, and I had to forge her signature just to handle in files for college applications).

About the part where it feels like she's taking care of us due to some obligation rather than love.  

And I was surprised too, at this point in the fight. My brother's the best arguer I've ever seen, and while his remarks are very hurtful and mean, when I think about it, all of them are true. Really.

My mom just complains about having to take care of us every single fucking time because really, she just sucks at being a good mom. Additionally, she then tries to make US feel bad by trying to kill ourselves or something. 

When my brother said that our mom 'didn't give a shit about his excellent accomplishments at Stuyvesant' I realized it was true. My brother's an excellent student, but he always does it alone, and sometimes I don't even know what kinds of classes or grades he's getting, because all I know is that he's just really great at school. But he doesn't even get recognition from his own mom, which I found depressing.

And then I thought to myself 'wow, maybe this was what he was feeling all this time'. I mean, I don't know what he ever thinks, I have this blog to pour my feelings to, and this fight was the first that I got insight into his head. Like, maybe this whole children blaming was really hurting his feelings too. 

But he NEVER shows it. And I think he's able to make such cruel remarks that even I can't say in front of my mom's face because he's just so out of it. Like, he lost all feelings for this family and he can't wait to be alone or with friends. I've been feeling the same way too, and though I still think I should do something to please my mom, I realized that I'm doing it out of an obligation too. 

And then to an extent, I want to be detached from my feelings just the way my brother is.

I think we've both been hurt so much that our feelings and emotions just, don't bother to compute anymore. 

Yeah, this was depressing. And I had such, such wonderful time at Binghamton, it all felt like a dream now. 

[thegirlwholived-cometodie]

everybody, everybody, everybody wants to be a cat

[thegirlwholived-cometodie]

the things that happen in the masjid...

while waiting for namaz to start, i heard a girl ask another girl if she was Muslim. that was definitely the weirdest thing i've ever heard being asked in the masjid. but after namaz, i realized why someone would ask that question. because the girl that was being asked if she was Muslim, was converting today. it was really amazing mashaAllah, how young adults/teenagers convert to Islam. i don't know if her family was there or not, but i really hope they were proud and supported her decision. it was really beautiful how after she said the shahadah, all the aunties that were in the masjid came up to her and congratulated her and hugged her. it made me want to cry with happiness just looking at our community and how welcoming and loving they are. i wish that girl a good long life as a pious Muslimah. :D

[thegirlwholived-cometodie]

going to Jummah for the first time in awhile :)

[danarenee1]

the day I have been waiting for is here. wooooooooow this is crazy! I think I am about to pee my pants!!!!

[lechuchii-blog]