I feel sick now. My chest feels heavy and it hurts. I'm crying my eyes out and my kitten is not helping. I'm not in the mood for him and I'm not in the mood for anything.
It doesn't matter what my mom did or didn't do anymore. All that matters is how what she did made me feel. I will always remember that feeling. I felt like I'd just been abandoned and left. I was stranded. I was lucky it wasn't so late I couldn't call my friend to get me. I didn't have my bike.
My mom should've said in her message that they were still coming to pick me up. She never said that, and I immediately thought "I've been abandoned". I'm so angry and hurt. I get there was nothing she could've done to make Julia get there faster, and I don't know why I'm mad at her more than Julia. I think I expect Julia to do things like that, because Julia isn't reliable to me.
Even so, my mom should've said something about it. And I remember one of the messages my mom left Julia said in the background "Does she want me to come get her?" Or something like that. And it's just... did they not realize I didn't have a way home? Did they not realize Julia was my only ticket home safely? I guess not.
I'm in need of some crying and I want to talk to someone about this, but I'm too afraid to draw attention to myself and look like I just want attention. So I'll just bottle this up inside and keep the anger bottled up.
When I keep things like this bottled up, they explode eventually. It's happened twice. First time, I slit my wrists and held a knife to my mom's throat. Second time, I broke things and slit my wrists again. I won't be able to stop myself if I explode this time. I know I won't, and I can't wear long sleeves like I would at school. I have a work uniform that has short sleeves. They would be seen. But this is a puzzle to figure out when the time comes.
What helps is I'm getting this out here, now.
I'm on mweor, and I'm on the mweor skype, just watching..
I'm crying, sobbing, and I don't know what to do.