Summary: You are Sophia's favorite, have been since Dream Academy. She knows it, you know it, the other girls know it, Eyekons know it- Yet the feeling of kilig never goes away everytime she casually drops reminders of the fact.
"Do me a favour, can your heart rate rise a little?" -Dodie
She loves openly, happily, contently. She shows up to be an anchor on the stormy days, and she shows up just to make noise that brings laughter.
Subtlety was not something that was Sophia's trait either.
"What's the most unforgettable moment in Katseye for you?"
Daniela claps her hands excitedly, and everyone's attention shifts to her as she divulges the memory that has always been crystal clear in her mind.
"When we made it through DA and Sophia literally crossed the stage so she could be the first to hug Y/N!"
It was no secret that the Leader has been head over heels for you since that first time you saw each other in Dream Academy, and when you made it into Katseye and she reached for you first despite being on opposite sides of the line- The rest of the girls never let you live it down.
Megan clicks her fingers in recognition, waving her hands as she adds onto the statement given by her groupmate.
"She was so quick about it too! I swear, it was like watching a woman on a mission.."
Lara gently elbows the Filipina with a wiggle of her eyebrows, teasing without words as Manon immediately decides to get on with the program. Using her words to try and lovingly embarrass their Leader for the cameras.
"Yeah that one has always been her favourite, the rest of us could literally fall off a plane screaming and her first priority would be to make sure that Y/N's parachute is in good condition."
Their combined efforts contribute more to turning your cheeks red rather than Sophia's, and you decide to try and save face by playing the humor card. Swivelling in your seat to look up at the Leader who's sat behind you- You put a hand against your chest with an exaggerated gasp of surprise.
"Oh my God, is it true? You'd save me first?"
The rest of the girls laugh, but Sophia only smiles calmly. Her eyes showing no anger nor exasperation over being ganged up on. She nods once before speaking.
"Of course I would, you're my favourite. Sue me for it or whatever."
High pitched squeals resound from the five girls around you, loud enough to almost shatter eardrums but you opt to cover your face instead of your ears due to the heat that has rushed to your cheeks.
The interview ends up becoming the talk of the fandom for months on end, with the shippers of Sophy/n creating edits within an hour of the video's release.
Lara x Reader // Star = Reader // Y/B/N = Birth Name // fear of failure // panic attacks// soft!Lara // Briefly mentions parties and drinking // Touches on diet culture // parental trauma hinted // talks about body issues // hints at dysphoria // unsafe binding.
Part of the You Drew Stars series.
Practice had been gruelling and the second Son had dismissed you all the girls had started to collect their things. A collection of relieved sighs and cheers to be going home.
You on the other hand were so distracted on trying to perfect a move in your head, zoned out as your eyes focused on your body in the mirror.
You’d always had a complicated relationship with your body, growing up shorter and bigger than the other kids hadn’t exactly helped your self-esteem. And a mother so wrapped up in forcing diet culture onto you, regardless of her own growing figure had messed with your head and your perception of what healthy really looked like.
Sure, you’d got leaner, being in Katseye and all the heavy training in the buildup didn’t exactly allow for much relaxation and idle weight gain. But recently you’d started to develop a newfound sense of hate or dread for the way you looked or the body you felt trapped you.
Maybe the alien feeling of staring at your curves, your chest, your softened feminine features had always been there. But one thing was for certain, it was becoming unbearable.
Growing up you’d always chalked up your insecurities and distain for your body to your size and the teasing of other kids at school.
Then in your early teen years you’d become so accustomed to the slimming diets and all the nonsense you’d picked up about “healthy weight” and “ideal body” that you had stopped entertaining the idea of looking in the mirror. Sure, you’d glance when fixing your clothes or styling your hair, but you can’t remember a time you really looked.
By the time your teenage years were in full swing you were sneaking out, dulling the thoughts with any stupid party or drink given to you. Anything to escape the nagging voice in your head that sounded oddly similar to the woman who birthed you.
Exam season hits and you get through by the skin of your teeth and jump into the first job you can. Anything to make enough money to get out of that house, and the pressure and negativity that seemed to flood its foundations.
Then you see some advertisement for talented artists, it’s a joke you think and set up a camera in the garage when everyone out. It’s a silly little dance, that you barely make all the moves for. But somehow you end up on a plane a month later heading to some training centre in LA.
As for Dream, well… you’re certain everyone’s blocked out something or other from that time. The gruelling practices, the constant nerves and pressure. Not to mention the clear efforts of the producers to put you against each other.
You swear you hadn’t blocked out that much, but when you think back to that time you get snippets, fragments and a pain in your chest and an incoming migraine.
Honestly, after debuting you were on autopilot. You still can’t believe it was you that was chosen over everyone else… I mean you don’t even deserve to be here, you applied as a joke and yet the thought of leaving these girls makes you feel physically sick. Despite the lack of true closeness.
It wasn’t like you hadn’t bonded with them at least a little, but it was clear of the bad the company aimed for a different look for you. You needed to be more marketable, to fit.
You didn’t argue, why would you? They had to know what they were doing, after all they surely had a vision before choosing you all.
Though, even you had to admit you sometimes felt like the companies doll they dressed up and made pretty every time it suited. Shoved into every mini skirt and tight tank they could find. Branded as the pretty pink shining star.
You felt like a fraud honestly, especially when it came to days off and you were say slumped against your bed scribbling away in your sketchbook covering your hands and baggy clothes with smudges graphite as you bobbed your head and tapped your feet to whatever rock song you had blasting way to loud in your head. That was you.
Chaotic, loud, messy and casually dressed in baggy clothes. You weren’t flashy or shiny by any means, in your opinion you were more bent dirty old penny someone had found on the floor and kicked into the road.
You tried not to think about it, tried to play the part of happy perfect girl that the fans adored and it had worked. You had actually started to believe it until an impromptu call from your mother had called you home for some emergency.
You’d had no time to pack really and just picked whatever close you had already laid out for the week’s scheduled events.
Which just so happened to be pastel pink, tight fitting clothes. You hadn’t thought much off it to be honest so used to the dress up it had become second nature. It was only when your mother had stared at you a little too long that you’d started to slip back to reality.
“You know Y/B/N…” she had started, piercing eyes that would have mirrored yours if they hadn’t been so full of cold calculated venom.
“I thought I was going to have to hide you away when company came… but you’re really embracing that body I gave you, finally stopped playing little boy and decided to show off for that feminine body of yours huh?”
You can’t really remember why it had bothered you so much. Or why the first thing you did when returning to the dorm was throw on the baggiest clothes you could find and wind some bandage tight around your chest till you almost couldn’t breathe.
But the second your shirt had fallen back down, and your chest could no longer be seen it was like you could breathe fully for the first time. Despite the clear lack of room for your lungs to expand.
After that it had become a habit, day in day out. Getting to your room meant binding so tight it hurt and slipping on your baggiest tee.
You had never planned to come to practice with your chest wrapped, you had fallen asleep with it on and woken up late. Too late to do anything but chuck another layer on tight bandage over it and rush out the door. Not even realising how much it was hurting until the pressure of rehearsals and fast paced dance moves hit.
You had messed up all day unable to move properly. You’d passed it off as stiffness from sleeping funny and it had seemed to fool everyone. Or at least everyone had stopped asking you if you were okay.
You snapped back from your thoughts when a hand pressed onto your back and a jolt of pain shot through your chest.
“Star…” the voice was soft, and unusually quiet for its owner. It causes you to turn slightly, your eyes focusing on the person in front of you.
“Lara” you chuckle, an attempt to play off the pain and the awkwardness surging through you she simply hums pushing the sweat stuck stray baby hairs off of your face.
“Everyone left a while ago honey,” your brows furrow at that, but before you can argue her hand comes to rest against your chest and you panic.
Her hand traces the ridges under your shirt, and her eyes fill with concern. She wants to press you, to make you talk and tell her every problem in your pretty little head so she can chase them off and kiss every mark they’ve made on your mind. But a sharp intake of breath draws her back to your eyes, wides and panicked as you gasp and wheeze.
“I’m F-Fine...” you wince but your gaze is perfect mix of physical and mental pain.
Her eyes soften more, if that’s even possible and she decides to drop it. For now. She can already see the beginning of your panic, the last thing she needs or wants right now is to send you into an attack by cornering you.
Pulling her hand away she moves it to your face cupping it as her eyes stare into your scared pain filled ones. “Why… are you still here baby… you know too much practice is bad…”
“I have to get this move down.” Your tone leaves no room for protest, but she does so anyway huffing in exasperation.
“No.” She shakes her head firmly, “Back to the dorm. Now.” She tugs your arm. “You can do it next practice-“
“No Lara get off!” You huff trying to worm out of her hold, but her grip only tightens as she walks to the door. Her hand around your wrist.
Facing away from you she doesn’t see how much you’re panicking. How your eyes are darting everywhere and how you’re trying your hardest to plant your feet to stay put. The dance floor only making you slip and slide slightly as you struggle. The closer the door gets the harder it is to breathe, to think, to speak.
“N-n-o! S-st-o-p” you gasp, and the desperation in it makes her freeze before she whips round to check on you.
“H-hey woah, woah what’s wrong?!” She gasps cupping your face as an attempt to ground you, but it only makes everything worse.
The second her hands are on your face, your gasping breaths pick up, and you push her away like her touch burns.
You’re dizzy and you can’t think straight and all she can hear is jumbled words. A string of random thoughts, your racing mind trying to piece words together. She can only make out one or two.
“F-ai-l-“ you gasp, a struggle for breath. “Ca-an-t” another gasp, this one more desperate your eyes wide as tears burn their way down your cheeks and you fall.
You expect the cold hard impact of the floor, your eyes closing awaiting the impact. But your met with a cushioned fall, arms wrapping you tight as your head is pulled into her chest.
Your ear presses against her skin right where her heart is and she rubs your back, beginning to rock you slightly as her other hand cups your head. Nails softly scrapping against your scalp.
The soothing scents of Cinnamon, Jasmine and Magnolias fill your senses, and your mind begins to quiet.
You try to fight it, a whine escaping your throat between gasps and wheezes that are beginning to slow as your lungs expand little by little. Fighting against the binding that’s digging hard into your skin.
“L-La-r-a” you mumble, mind still a mess and body still trying to fight her hold. Wriggling and pushing weakly as your mind starts to numb from the rocking and soft touches.
“Shhh shh shhhhh” she whispers against you leaning to kiss your head. “Just focus on me…” she coos placing a few more soft kisses to the crown of your head. “That’s it, relax for me good…baby,”
She hums when your eyes close, your head getting slightly heavy a soft exhale leaving your lips against her chest. “Let’s get you home huh?”
a/n: and with that star is officially launched! This was based on an ask from @kaidowashere but i legit can not find it on the other blog so... i tagged you LMAO
Summary: The girls plan a surprise for Star, unfortunately some suprises do more harm than good.
Notes: This is half a holiday post and half a filler OR can also be seen as a bridge between "Its all too much" and “So Lean on Us” which is still coming soon! Also this is kind of short im so sorry! I am so sick rn.
Warnings: Brief reference to the Panic attack in previous fic, feelings of loneliness, parental trauma, childhood trauma and punishments, touches on Star's mom and family, hints of depression behaviour.
The holidays had always been a weird time for you, even as a kid, there was always something that set your mothers temper off. Always something you couldn’t control but would be blamed for anyway. The holidays were a painful reminder of what it felt to grow up in that house, the tense atmosphere, and the fear to breath wrong and be punished.
The girls didn’t know how much you relished the thought of having the dorm to stay in for the holidays. You would be lonely sure, but you didn't need to worry them about all that. You guys weren’t exactly close yet and it was the first holidays as a group, they all planned to go and see their families after the stressful schedules and who were you to take that away from them with your own problems.
Honestly speaking, it wouldn’t be all that bad. You planned to watch comfort movies, stay in your PJs, sleep in, and enjoy the freedom of an empty house. Your mother hadn’t invited you for the holidays anyway, after the disagreements that came from you participating in dream and later debuting.
A large part of you was relived, it felt like a massive weight lifted to not have to spend the time of monitoring every little move and ever word from your mouth. To have to tip toe around your family for fear of being really seen and the consequences of bringing too much attention to yourself. Then there was the rest of you, the guilt at having such a thought mixing the child part of your soul that longed to spend Christmas with family. To have a week of love and safety, wrapped up in the embrace of people who loved you.
The truth of it, the holidays made your stomach hurt and your head spin with the onslaught of emotions, feelings, and memories. You hadn’t told the girls, for starters they had no reason to care, but there was also the knowledge they came from homes full of love and support and had that to look forward to. How could you burst their bubbles of joy with your own issues and trauma.
What you didn’t know was that the girls were plotting something, it came from a place of kindness really. They meant well and had all pooled together to plan and organise this surprise, often talking about how this is just what you need and that maybe you’ll be happier and more engaged with them. Not to mention after you had seemed so stressed and worked up lately.
It was a week before Christmas when they broke the news grinning wide as they sat you down, they looked so proud and so pleased with themselves when they presented you with the plane tickets.
“What-“ you had started, confusion painting your face, which had only made the girls laugh assuming you were just shocked and not dying inside. Sophia had chuckled and placed a hand on your leg, not noticing how you tensed to avoid the flinch wanting to desperately tear through your body. “We just wanted to make sure you got to go home!”
Home. The word burned in your throat and pierced your heart; it was something you’d never known. Not as a child eager for the love of your parents love and certainly not now, as an adult cast out for wanting to chase your dream. You wanted to cry. To scream to stomp your foot and say you’re not going. But instead, you let that mask stay up. You smile, its fake, and you so hope for them to see through it to tell you that you don’t have to go back there that this bouse is a home. But it’s not and they don’t they just simply smile and start to go about packing and getting ready for their own trips home.
The journey to the airport is hard, not only due to the storm of emotions and the burning nausea but because Sophia insisted on taking you there. It made it impossible to breathe, the constant effort of putting on a face and acting like everything was perfect. Acting like you were excited to see that woman, to knock on her door and have to beg for forgiveness to swear you’d act right and behave despite the fact you had done nothing wrong.
On the plane itself was a different story, finally alone with your thoughts and the realisation the next few hours would be the only peaceful ones. That this uncomfortable, forces and unwanted plane ride would be the highlight of your break has you in a state of ragged breath, tears, and the wish for things to just stop.
You swore when you left, you’d never be back here, that you wouldn’t go back to making yourself small and quiet and cowering in fear of being seen. You hated that you would come face to face with her. The woman that grew and birthed you, making you in her own image. The same temper, the same issues, the same eyes…
It wasn’t your fault you looked like her, it wasn’t your fault she hated herself so much that looking at you made her so angry. You were a child, her child, and yet you seemed to never enact the same care and love your siblings had.
They would be over for Christmas of course, and you would be faced once again with the sight of your mother doting on her younger child and praising her eldest while you sat there ignored until she found something to attack or a way to place blame.
The whole journey of a plane, then train, then bus took hours and by the end of it you felt as though you could barely stand. You had to force your eyes open as you made your way to the house, the one you had grown up in, the one filled so full of so many emotions and a thick fog of negativity that weighed down anyone who entered.
When you knocked on the door you were shaking whether it was the chilly British air or the fear you were unsure, all you knew was that you were so exhausted emotionally and physically and all you wanted was to be in the warm safety of the dorm, tucked into bed with a movie. Not here on the freezing doorstep terrified to be turned away.
To your surprise your reunion was eerily calm wrapped in kind words and caring touches that made your skin burn and your mind reel. The week was spent in a blur of dressing up for family dinners and parties, putting on that oh so rehearsed ‘perfect family’ show.
The first few days were calm, eerie, but clam. She bought and cooked your favourites, gushed over performances and how pretty “her baby” looked. It made you sick, it was everything you wanted, but you knew it wasn’t real. She was doing it again, the same trick that filled your childhood. That sickly sweet niceness, the gifts, the affection, the “love” but it never lasts. And yet, you fall for it. Every time.
By day three you had started to believe that maybe the distance had changed her, that maybe just maybe you had made her proud and that you had finally earned her love and a place in her family. Unfortunately for you, it was that same say that the first comments started to break through her honey toned words.
The comments on what you ate, how much you ate, behaviour, anything she could mention she did. It was her greatest skill. Knowing just exactly what buttons to press to make you cry to pick away at the fractures and insecurities of your heart. She also knew exactly how to anger you, to push you until you snapped so she could paint you the villain.
By Christmas eve, day 5, you wanted to go home. You weren’t sure if you even had one, but you wanted it. Craved it. Every day was the same torture harsh words, tense rooms and that hate filled gaze…
You lay there at night wondering how the girls were spending their time, their socials were full of laughter and happy families and oh how you wised to know what that felt like. How you longed to have the soft embrace of a family whenever you needed or to know the safety of being able to laugh and joke with parents without the fear that it becomes a punishment or a screaming match in a split second.
You were jealous, and that made you feel so ashamed and so guilty. The girls deserved their bubbles of love and support, you clearly didn’t. At least that’s the only thing that made sense. Surely it was a problem with you, why else would you have been treated so harshly when others weren’t.
When Christmas day came you were filled with anxiety. There was so many people coming, so much to do, the performance of perfection that was expected of you and the face your mother had on all morning told you exactly how the day was going to go down. It was a hellish day, just as predicted, and left you crying yourself to sleep as you gasped for breath. A whole days emotion and pushed back anxiety hitting you like a full truck. On boxing day you left, Christmas was over and there was no way you could make it all the way to new year’s. Another 5 days? No way.
You slept on the plain, a week of emotions and stress catching up to you. It was rare, sleeping when you were in that house. You had insomnia your whole childhood, fuelled by the fear of punishments, parental rage, and the general unease you felt within the house. Your mother’s solution was the same as when you did something she believed embarrassed her or when you enraged her. Pushed into the dark or your room, the bolt on the top of the doors outside sliding across with a loud click as you wailed and begged, promising to be better.
The insomnia lessened when you left. Afterall the dorm was a lot safer, and the girls posed no threat to you while you slept. And the doors unlocking from inside was a big reassurance. But the nightmares stayed. You genuinely believed that they would haunt you forever. They always got worse when you slept outside of the dorm, that uneasy feeling fuelling them.
Luckily, the exhaustion knocked you out cold and you fell into the dark abys of dreamless sleep. Waking only when the plane came to a stop and the hum of sleepy passengers grew into rowdy chatter of impatient people rushing to leave.
Now back in LA you couldn’t wait to get to the dorm. The girls would be away fir another week at least which meant you had the dorm to yourself. Your plan? Do nothing, see no one and just lay in bed until everything became manageable again.
The first few days you did just that, lazed around the house barely moving from your bed apart from grabbing a bottle of water or using the bathroom. A rotation of movies such as Avatar, Pirates of the Caribbean and Star Wars on repeat. A way to flush out the memories from the week prior and keep yourself zen. Though mostly you simply just fell asleep to them.
It was during one of those movie naps that Lara had come home. Her parents living not too far from the dorm allowing her to nip back and grab a few things she swore she had packed.
She didn’t notice anything amiss until she saw your hoodie laying over the arm of one of the sofas. She could have sworn she saw you pack it, you never go anywhere with out it. While she may not know a lot about you, your signature hoodie is an unmissable trait. The poor overworn thing has holes and paint stains and looks like its about to fall apart.
If she hadn’t been in such a rush to get back, she probably would have investigated, but a message from rhea and a call from her mum had her rushing back out to the car. Later that night though, she couldn’t help think she heard a TV upstairs too… Perhaps Sophia was right, maybe they did need to sit you down and talk.
Though peace was not uncommon in the Katseye household, silence sure was. With Megan always going on about the newest meme and Manon always ready to hype her up, the default state of their living space was lively- So the quiet atmosphere of the shared house really should have clued Sophia in to the fact that at least one of her members were plotting.
Yet she thinks nothing of it when Megan bursts into her shared room with Yoonchae, a grin on her face and a sparkle in her eyes as she declares an impromptu get-together.
"We're playing truth or dare!"
Yoonchae peeks her head over the doorframe, waving at the leader from the threshold like she didn't also live in the same room. When she looks from one to the other, the dichotomy of calm and energetic almost looks like something from a coming of age story.
Sophia's not sure she has the energy to be part of whatever whirlwind push and pull romance that they have going on, doesn't mean she's against seeing it blossom either. So she tries to wish them luck, missing the point of why Megan burst into her and Yoonchae's room
".. Have fun?"
The reply makes the all-rounder shake her head before stalking forward to the foot of the Leader's bed. Megan takes the phone out of Sophia's hands, giving the Filipina nothing short of a single second to protest before she's being dragged up by one of her hands.
"No no no, you're playing with us!"
The Cheshire smile on Yoonchae's face as the Maknae grabbed her other hand to help Megan with dragging her to the living room? Should've been her second clue to a mischievous plot-
Except Sophia trusts Yoonchae too much to expect sudden betrayal, and she holds too much faith in Megan's penchance for short-lived antics to expect an elaborate scheme.
She's sat down on the haphazardly cleared living room floor before she could process why the two youngest members are grinning like the Devil's right hand men, an empty bottle of soju thurst into her hands as Yoonchae gestures for her to spin it-
An empty bottle of soju?!
Sophia's mind kicks into alert mode as she immediately starts scanning everyone's faces for details, for any signs of heavy intoxication- Beginning with the kidnappers.
Yoonchae is smiling widely, clapping her hands and her eyes full of sparkling excitement yet lacking the droopy eyelids of someone who made it to the bottom of a bottle.
Megan is bouncy, bouncier than usual. But Megan's just Megan as she is when anything big is about to go down. Her complexion is as light as it normally is, lacking the bright flush and messy coordination of someone capable of passing out and sleeping through a hurricane.
Lara when drunk, has tells more obvious than the rest. Spacing out, as still as a statue, face looking dead to the world, eyes blank like they've been mentally overloaded and short-circuited with the secrets of the universe- For right now though, the Indian woman is smiling as slyly as she always does when something hilariously memorable is about to happen.
Daniela just goes red, quiet and still. Cranky and bratty unless there's anything extremely close by that she could snooze on as soon as her head dips to rest on its surface. The complete opposite of her bright and soft but loud personality she's displaying at the moment.
Manon, if believable, turns even more unserious than she usually is when she's drunk. Sophia narrows her eyes at the oldest member who's sporting her lopsided grin that just screams trouble- Almost asking if she was the one who came up with the idea to drag the leader out of her bed for a highschool game of truth or dare.
But then she catches sight of the last member sat beside the Swiss woman, and with only one look she finds out for sure just exactly who is drunk.
You're staring at her with a smitten grin on your face, fully unguarded and bright with heart eyes so soft she could almost just combust on the spot.
"Hiiii, Fia."
The wave of your hand is accompanied by poorly muffled giggles from Daniela and Yoonchae, the latter taking a seat beside the former before they huddle close to whisper about something Sophia can't decipher to save her life.
"You always look nice, but you look extra cute right now did y'know that?"
Her face shifts from tan to red in seconds, and Megan tries to high-five Manon in secret only for the sound to echo louder than they thought it would. Sophia turns her gaze to the two, ire and exasperation in equal parts visible in her eyes.
"You two knuckleheads got her drunk?!"
Manon raises her hand in a placating gesture, opening her mouth to speak only to be beat to the punch at the last second by the unfortunate bait of Katseye's scheming.
"On alcohol! But to be honest, I'd rather be drunk on youuu-"
Alarm flickers across Sophia's eyes as you lurch forward in an effort to poke her from where she's seated. The ingested soju clearly wrecking both your sense and depth perception as you fail to realize that the leader is simply too far away for you to reach from your spot.
Lara is all that saves you from having your forehead crash into the floor. She grabs you by the back of your shirt, pulling at the material with force and successfully interrupting your fall but accidentally choking you as a trade-off.
"Lara, let go! You'll kill her!"
"Would you rather I let her accidentally kill herself?!?"
The arguing pair descends into a chaos of expressive hand gestures, panicked voices, and differing opinions both wanting to be the right one instead of the other.
Yoonchae watches with intrigue in her eyes and a disbelieving smile on her face, briefly remembering the time when Sophia and Daniela explained to her the basics of a telenobela before she speaks with awe dripping from her words.
"This is amazing.."
Daniela nods confidently, like a director watching abstract ideas printed out on paper finally take physical form in the shape of actors. She nudges the Maknae's shoulder with her own, giddy like she's won a glorious victory.
"I know right?"
In the end, it's Manon who breaks up the ball of chaos which was the Leader and the Vocalist. Inserting herself into the situation to loose Lara's grip on the back of your shirt before plopping you back down on the floor in a proper seating position. Making jazz hands and staring at Sophia afterwards as if to present that you're alright and unharmed- Ignoring the fact that you're incapable of seeing, speaaking, nor waalking straight.
Megan pouts mockingly, crossing her arms and imitating the behaviour of a child about to throw a tantrum over their favorite show being cut short. But she drops the act as soon as Manon settles back into her old spot, scrambling for the empty bottle of soju and thrusting it into Sophia's unexpecting hands, wasting to time in kicking the plan into high gear.
"You start!"
"What? Why me? You do it!"
She shakes her head, holding her hands up in refusal before shrugging her shoulders at the Filipina.
"You're the leader, we follow along."
"I didn't even start this- You did!!"
Daniela groans from her spot, successfully drawing Sophia's attention to her. The Latina rolls her eyes in mock tiredness over the situation, her act fully given away by the big smirk she's doing nothing to hide from the rest of her groupmates.
"Schemantics, schemantics. Tomato, tomat-oh. Potato, potat-oh. Get on with it!!"
Sophia shakes her head in disbelief, how she's seen as a stern leader by the public yet still getting peer pressured behind cloosed doors never really making sense in her head.
For a small moment, she thinks about using the bottle to knock some sense into each of her members' skulls especially when Megan snickers at her lack of autonomy over the situation-
But then she remembers that they're globally famous now, and opts to play the game instead of having to explain to Missy how five out of seven members ended up with dented heads.
Sophia gives the bottle a spin, various voices going 'ooooh' at the speed that the spinning bottle picks up while staying perfectly centered between the circle of seven women.
A small flame of contentment flares in her chest as she looks around to find everyone watching the bottle intently as if the entire thing was an elections-voting tracker instead of a highschool party game.
The small spark vanishes almost as soon as it settled when the bottle comes to a slow before eventually stopping to point at you. Her fondness replaced with irritation when the rest of the group errupts into chaos over the outcome.
Megan and Yoonchae pump their fists in the air before sharing a hug so tight they could've been mistaken for surviving a war together side by side.
Manon and Daniela screech before holding onto each other's hands like they're each other's only lifelines teathering them to earth.
To top it all off: Lara falls backwards on the floor, her face hidden in her hands as she cackles with mad glee over the situation.
"Dare or Dare?"
Sophia glares at Manon, internally debating if this hazing is worth kickstarting anew beef that has been settled almost three years ago.
"Do I seriously not have a choice?"
The Swiss woman shakes her head, an infuriating smirk plastered onto her face like she's just won a billion dollar lottery and is now flexing it against Sophia. With a deep breath, the leader steels herself before deciding to commit to the bit and saying the first threat that comes to mind.
"Fine. Dare. I'm taking scissors to all your tampons, Manon."
Squawks of protest come from the woman in question, stumbling over her words out of disbelief as she stares at Sophia with wide eyes and a mouth hanging open in shock.
Daniela throws herself into the line of fire with reckless abandon, unbothered about becoming the next target for Sophia's revenge pranks as she points at you with a grin on her face.
"Kiss her three times!"
"That's basically three dares?!?"
"No it's not, it's just a dare that requires you to do the same thing three times!"
"It's the same damn thing!"
As the two women stay busy arguing over schemantics and the overall unfairness of the entire game, Megan and Yoonchae each grab you by an arm- Gently dragging you from your spot in the circle and dropping you squarely on Sophia's lap.
A confused 'huh?' slips past your lips at the feeling of being dragged up, effectively interrupting your admiration of how Sophia still looks breathtakingly beautiful despite almost popping a vein in her neck out of exasperation.
The dare slips from your mind, all but forgotten like an insignificant childhood memory when you're deposited onto the Leader's lap- And you waste no time wrapping your arms around her neck, snuggling close to her collarbone like you're more than content to fall asleep right then and there;
You are.
Sophia stops arguing, turning silent and red as she looks down at your drunken form, trying to stay calm about the fact that you're the closest you've ever been and that your arms are around her neck and your face is so close that she can actually feel your breaths against her skin.
"Well?"
Her gaze snaps up to meet Lara's teasing eyes. A scowl turns her lips down at the corners, a failed attempt at trying to look intimidating despite the fact that her face looks like the equivalent of a perfectly ripe tomato.
"I can't kiss her on the lips, are you crazy? She's drunk!"
"We never said you had to kiss her on the lips. Have you been thinking about it?"
A betrayed, soundless gasp pushes past her lips at the sound of Yoonchae's teasing voice. The youngest of the group smiling like a cat that caught the canary as she holds a hand up to Lara for a high-five without breaking eye contact with her roommate.
"I can't believe- You too, Yoonchae?!"
The Korean girl shrugs in response, failing to act nonchalant as pride radiates off of her in waves.
"Who do you think set this up?"
Shock courses through Sophia as her eyes widen in surprise. Her Maknae, her roommate, her baby- A traitor who threw her to this pit of vipers called a girl group. Before her mind can start strategizing a prank tailored for Yoonchae however, a tap of a finger against her throat shocks her out of her focus.
"Hey-"
The Filipina looks down to find you staring up at her with furrowed brows and a pout, your eyes surprisingly being able to convey fiery determination despite your heavy intoxication.
"Where my kiss at??"
Looking back to the rest of the girls, Sophia finds that every single one of them are looking at her like they're trying their very best to not to burst out cackling. Megan and Manon gesture at her to go on, waving their hands at her in a fanning motion like it's meant to be encouraging.
It only makes her want to wring their necks even more.
Never one to back down though, Sophia takes a deep breath before praying that she doesn't combust over what she's about to do. With an exhale, she leans forward to press her lips against your hairline where she leaves three brisk kisses.
A gasp resounds from you as soon as she pulls away, and when she looks back at you she finds your eyes blown wide with wonder; Like you can't believe what just happened.
"You actually kissed me.... Wooooow.."
Your exclamation of wonder breaks the last modicum of restraint that the girls have, and all at once all five culprits of the rigged game burst out laughing.
Sophia closes her eyes shut as she fights back a groan that she's sure will leave as a scream. With a shake of her head, she finally finds the strength to get you and herself out of the unjust mafia-level scheming of the Maknae of all people.
"Enough! I'm putting this one to sleep before any of you get any more bright ideas."
She stands up with you held securely in her arms, walking towards the rooms without looking back at the rest of the group in fear of combusting due to embarrassment.
You have no such shame though, leaning your head back in a manner that makes your vision swim even more than it already is, you look at the other girls from beside Sophia's shoulder with a mischievous grin before sticking a hand up to wave at them.
"G'night freaks, wish me luck!!"
Sophia briefly wonders if she should just drop you in the middle of the hallway.
You wake up groaning due to the presence of a headache trying to break your skull open from the inside-out, twisting and turning before wrenching your blanket over your head in an attempt to slip back into sleep. Unfortunately, your body is adamant on insisting that it has had enough rest, so you throw off the covers with a sigh before slipping out of your room in search of food.
Expecting an empty house due to the lack of noise and sunlight, you walk over to the kitchen at a slow pace while groggily rubbing your eyes free of sleep's influence.
"Doing alright?"
The sound of a voice raspy with unuse jolts you into alertness. Opening your eyes, you find Sophia stands looking at you by the isle with a soft smile on her face. She reaches for a steaming cup of coffee by her side, handing it to you before turning her gaze back to the food she's preparing for breakfast.
"Knew I'd wake up or something?"
She shrugs her shoulders, never breaking from the task at hand.
"I expected it, you slept through dinner. Thought you'd be up a little later though so food's not ready yet, sorry."
You wave the apology off with a shake of your hand and shrugging a shoulder, sipping the coffee in small amounts before letting out a sigh of relief at the taste.
"It's no problem, gives me the time to wake up properly anyways. You need help with anything?"
She squints as she looks around the ingredients laid out on the kitchen isle in front of her, taking a moment to decide which task best to get out of the way immediately.
"Wash then de-stem those greens please."
"Gotcha, bossing."
The Tagalog nickname brings a smile to her face. The leader allows herself to get lost in the rhythm of the kitchen, the steady sound of her knife clacking against the chopping board as she chops onions, garloc, and celery sticks mixing with the gentle rushing of faucet water as you clean the leaves she entrusted you with.
The peace of the atmosphere doesn't last long though, because Katseye is a group full of people with chaos in their veins- And that includes you.
"Soooo. Word on the street is that you kissed me yesterday."
You smile to yourself as you shut the faucet off before reachong for the scissors. The sound of the knife clacking against the chopping board halts for all but a split second as surprise overtakes the Leader behind you. To anyone else, it wouldn't even have been noticed, but that split second falter is all you need to confirm that you got underneath her skin.
It's no secret that there's something floating between you and your Leader. Even if you both pass off the flirting as fan service whenever inquired at by the other members, the charge of the lingering touches go deeper than fan service material and you're both well aware of it.
Sophia's eyes widen as her cheeks heat up, she forcing herself to get back to slicing the vegetables as she fights against the heat rising to her face. Wracking her brain for anything that could help her downplay the impact that the entire incident had on her psyche.
"It wasn't even real though."
Sophia grows cold at the words that left her mouth in a panic. Guilt coursing through her veins at the downright dismissive tone she managed to conjure in her attempt to play cool about the ordeal.
Out of the corner of her eye, she sees your shoulders stiffen and her own ones flinch in response. Silence sits heavily in the air, your quick quips and trademark teasing personality nowhere to be found in the aftermath of her panicked reply.
Shit.
Before she could come up with a statement to undo the outcome of her mistake however, your voice carves through the heavy quiet like a cold blade.
"Yeah, you're right. Anything else you need done?"
Right now, you're not even looking her way and she can see the outline of your tensed jaw. Your words feeling clipped and forced like you would've rather jumped down the sjnk's drain rather than stick around with her.
You place the bowl of newly washed and de-stemmed leaves at the marble surface of the isle instead of handing it over for her to inspect- Which is something you always do with a beaming smile on your face whenever you're helping her in the kitchen.
Shit.
"Heat the stove up for me please. I'm almost done with these."
She expects a nod, a small determined 'On it.' to leave your lips after she bestows you with a new task. Except you immediately move to the stove, quiet and with movements so precise she's able to tell that you're locked in on high-tailing out of the kitchen as soon as possible.
Shit.
She steps forward with the beaten mix of eggs and condiments in one hand, purposefully leaving the chopping board and knife on the isle instead of depositing them on the sink like she does out of habit.
Banking on the chance that you'd take them and wash them out of your own habit of being the designated dishwasher to Sophia's designated cook; Buying herself time that she desperately needs to come up with anything that could mediate the damage she'd caused.
The sizzle of the eggs hitting the pan does nothing, neither does the sound of the faucet turning on. Sophia wracks her mind for anything that could be said, but she comes up empty- Watching her time run out second by second as the scrambled eggs start solidifying and turning gold in the pan.
She hears her time run out when the faucet shuts off, ceasing the sound of running water. Sparing one passing glance at the eggs, she shuts the stove off before turning around. Catching sight of you walking past her and making for the exit.
Improvisation isn't something she's a big fan of, but you're already walking away and Sophia still has no concrete idea of what to say. So she takes a deep breath and spits out the first thing she's wanted to speak since the panicked dismissal left her mouth.
"I'm sorry!"
You shrug in return, stopping in your tracks for only a moment before shrugging your shoulders without once looking back at the woman standing by the stove.
"Don't sweat it, didn't matter all that much anyway."
One step forward was one step too many in Sophia's eyes, and she got herself into this mess so now it's up to her to get herself out- She chases after you, grabbing onto your wrist with gentle stubbornness. Unwilling to let you slip past her.
"It matters because you were drunk. It matters because I couldn't do the dare properly in good conscience, it-"
Now or never.
The confession that almost slips past her lips is halted only by the brief shame Sophia feels over wishing that she could've done this better. Regret briefly flowering in her heart as she wishes she could've taken you out somewhere nice, maybe watch the stars after a satisfying day out.
But with the faint feeling of your pulse against her fingertips, Sophia decides that maybe this is the universe telling her that she's danced around the topic for long enough.
So she makes her choice with a shaky voice.
Now, or never.
"It matters because I wish the girls didn't get you drunk, so I could have done it for real."
Done with playing coy, she goes all out and places all her cards face-up on the table.
"I want this- Us, to be real. And I hope I'm not reading it wrong when I say I think you want it to be real too."
You look at her for the first time since she said what she wishes she never did, and the uncertainty she finds swimming around in your eyes hurts like pinpricks accidentally going deeper than intended.
Sophia prepares herself for a rejection, almost begins planning how to not be awkward around group gatherings and interviews and rehearsals-
"I... Yes. No, you're not wrong."
You look down at where her hand still remains wrapped around your wrist, the warmth of her touch feeling both too much and not enough in equal parts. Every interaction before now had always been charged with an under current of mutually unspoken yearning.
Remembering your drunken actions with a grimace, the memory of your lack of inhibitions serving as sufficiently undeniable proof.
You fear destabilising the chemistry of the group, fear committing to something serious when the future always remains uncertain despite best efforts; You fear too much to be able to accept what Sophia's offering with unshakeable confidence you always hoped you'd approach this with.
"But to be honest... I don't even know where to start."
You settle for honesty. Because Sophia- Kind, brave, and utterly loveable Sophia deserves better than false bravado- And you speak with nothing more than a whispered confession. A far cry from what you had once hoped doing if a moment like this would've ever arrived.
Sophia smiles like you've handed her the world, adjusting her hand softly and slowly like she's committing the path of her fingertips to memory before eventually lacing your fingers together.
A/N: I have absolutely no experience drinking alcohol, and I never will be drunk so I don't know how accurate the Drunk Y/N scene was but I hope it was good for the giggles. As always, my askbox and comments are open for your thoughts!
Summary: You turn into a shell of yourself, mastering the art of pretending so well that your girlfriend almost falls for the act too. Almost, because though you're fooling the rest of the world, Lara knew you before everybody else did.
"Now so devoid of color he don't know what it means." - Halsey
Requested? ❌
Genre: Angst, Hurt, Comfort if you squint, 7th!Member Reader
Warnings: Heavy alluding to Depression and Disassociation
Extra Tags: Heavily inspired by Author's experiences, except Reader here has Lara and I dealt with it alone, written as a crutch for those who are dealing with it alone atm, so you don't feel as lost as I did back then.
Lara is a direct woman, blunt and straight to the point when things get serious. It's a quality of her personality she has always prided herself in, living life as a paragon of honesty and transparency as best as she can. But two years into being your girlfriend, something happens that renders her strength of character null.
She knows your touch the same way she knows how to breathe, knows your smile like she knows the warmth of the sun- Knows how easily your energy always seems to resonate with hers, how natural it feels to have your soul brighten her life. You love with your entire heart, you exist unapologetically, you own your space and you live your life with the same vibrancy she lives hers and it's one of the main reasons Lara fell for you the moment she got to know you.
Then out of nowhere, you start going silent. Your smile looses bits of its shine enough to fool your friends and the rest of the girls, your colorful existence starts turning monochrome pixel by pixel until your presence began to feel less like existence and more like lingering. You still move with enough energy and fiery sparks to rival Daniela, still laugh loudly enough to keep Megan's spirits high, still trade good-natured ribbing with Manon, still carry the girls with Sophia enough times to fool the world into thinking you're still the same old you- But not Lara.
She doesn't know when it started, but she remembers catching you sneaking out of the bed you've started sharing six months into the relationship three times this month. The fourth time it happens, she follows you after a few moments pass. Your phone is left untouched by your nightstand, and though Lara didn't exactly know what to expect, finding you lying down on the floor of the living room looking up empty eyed at the ceiling certainly wasn't it.
The silence of the night rings in her ears. You used to exist so undeniably that your mere presence in a room wouldn't have been ignorable, now you lie so still that Lara almost thinks you're no longer breathing. The cold atmosphere of the air conditioned room makes the space feel like you're haunting it instead of living in it, and Lara finds herself at a loss for words for the first time since you got together two years ago.
She doesn't know how to ask what's wrong even if she can see that something is, doesn't know how to cut to the chase even when everything about what you are now screams for the need of urgent intervention.
Lara walks towards your form with slow quiet steps, never once taking her eyes off of you as she watches for a sign that you can feel her approaching, desperately hoping to find a glimpse of your once impeccable spacial awareness.
"... Baby?"
She makes it to your side without you even turning your head by a millimeter to look at her. Sinking to her knees, she reaches out a hand. The muscle memory bringing her fingertips within a breath's width away from your head, she barely stops herself from carding her hand through your hair. The habit she developed once she learned that it could send you off to sleep faster than a full day's worth of rehearsals ever could.
The warmth of her palm against your shoulder takes a moment to sink in and drag you back to the present. The touch no longer burning as potently as it used to in that way that made your stomach flutter. Your eyes glue their gaze to her hand for a handful of moments too long for her liking before you finally look up to meet your girlfriend's own gaze filled with concern and barely masked alarm.
"What are you doing out of bed?"
Lara has to remind herself that you're still breathing. Has to tell herself that your eyes are just unfocused, not glazed over with the telltale lack of a soul. She counts your slow, far spaced blinks for something to ground herself, holding onto every ounce of bravado she can muster lest the concern for your empty state renders her insane with the alarming worry she can feel building up in her gut.
The small, barely perceivable shrug of the shoulder underneath her palm is only felt because Lara is toeing the line between hyper-aware and panicking. You stay quiet, lips pressed together and showing not even a miniscule twitch that would've told Lara that you had some kind of answer.
Your eyes looking at her but not seeing her makes her feel like she's floating in nothingness, which adds to the pressing concern in her mind because your gaze once upon a time used to always make Lara feel like she's underneath those stage spotlights she had always wanted to be in since she was a child.
"Do you wanna talk about it?"
There's a small moment where you look away from the ceiling, your eyes don't exactly move but your stare does drift farther away than it already is. Lara resists the urge to repeat her question, forcing herself to trust that you're just think and not disappearing. Her faith is rewarded when you let out a breath that's heavier than the slow breathing you were doing before.
"I don't know what's wrong."
Lara nods, shooting you a smile that even she knows looks more worried than reassuring. She moves slowly, deliberately dragging out her actions so you can refuse her offered presence if it's what you want.
But you don't want to be alone, it's already too heavy on your soul to be carrying the mysterious weight that settled on your shoulders bit by bit all by yourself- And though you don't exactly know where you are at the moment, you do desperately wish to be found. To be seen and to be taken out of whatever lightless space your mind and heart seems to have fallen into.
She lies down on the floor beside you, taking you into her arms and resting your ear against her heartbeat. Holding onto you with shaking hands that she tries to still for your own sake more than hers, trying to be a source of strength for you despite the fear in her own heart.
"That's okay, we'll talk whenever you want, whenever the words for it comes around."
You nod absentmindedly, a lackluster action as you wonder to yourself if you'd ever find the words to properly describe what it's like to feel so lost, empty, and unseen. It takes more than you thought you had to speak, to let your thoughts be heard and perceived by anyone who isn't you. For a moment, the shameful feeling of being a burden adds onto the weight already crushing your heart.
"What if it never does?"
Lara's fingers card through your hair. Nails gently scraping across your scalp in that manner that always has your eyes fluttering closed. She takes her time to find her own words, takes the time to compose the most honest answer she can find that might have a chance at becoming something for you to hold onto.
"Then we'll look for it, and we'll find it."
You keep your eyes closed and she keeps her hand buried in your hair, her arms around you feels like a blanket that should've brought warmth to your bones and peace to your soul. But the cold lingers and you're no longer able to pretend, a sigh is the only reply Lara gets in return.
She keeps holding you anyway. Holding onto hope that you'll make it out of this, trying to be strong despite the fear creeping up in her own heart.
Ever since dream you had kept a distance to the girls, it was instinct. A barrier of walls to keep yourself protected and unseen. The girls didn’t pay it mind, not really, you were all competing against each other after all. Not to mention everyone was going through so much during that time that it was sometimes too easy to overlook certain behaviours or worries and focus on training and those who actually put in effort to seek out help.
It wasn’t like you sat in the corner and ignored everyone either, you would talk when spoken to and join in on jokes here and there. But you weren’t all that open and there were no outward displays of effort to get to know the girls or immerse yourself into the already gathering groups of friends. The general opinion was that you weren’t rude, just focused.
Tensions and opinions never spiked about your behaviour, or if they you were never spoken to about it. Perhaps, because you put in the work to practice and there were clear signs of skill, passion, and devotion. You didn’t show up ignore everyone and slack off. You simply quietly got to work focusing solely on the goal.
When you got chosen to debut there was definitely surprise and confusion within the girls, maybe even a little unspoken anger. You put no effort into socialising; you hadn’t spoken to many of them more than one and yet the public had chosen you like you were a perfect fit.
They never spoke up on it, not to you or to missy but they felt that the real reason you had been chosen was due to the mystery around you. That the success of the group and their careers was being gambled because the public wanted to know you more. There were fears for sure on whether your demeanour would change, if you would be willing to throw away that edgy masculine style for a softer, girl group appropriate look, not to mention if you would even warm up to the girls.
Sophia ever the caring and diplomatic leader had gathered the girls making a game plan of keeping up appearances, hiding any cracks or future issues and of course making sure to dispel hate your way, especially when encouraging fans to give you a chance and remember this is an adjustment period for everyone.
You do your part too, you put in the work to fit into whatever management asked, you’ve worked too hard to lose it all now and it is not fair on the girls that they fail just because your uncomfortable. After all, this is what you signed up for right?
It works to a degree, and fans begin to flock to you, defending you and reminding haters that you’ve been thrust into this as much as anyone else. Though others still aren’t happy at your lack of interaction with the girls, and they make sure to clip ANY little expression or remark twisting it into anything they think will pull headlines.
The girls, though they would never admit it, felt the same. They couldn’t understand why you kept such a distance, why it seemed like you lingered on the edge of their space but never crossing into it. They tried to include you, tried to make you comfortable, but you still seemed so stiff and avoidant to their advances.
You really weren’t trying to be so harsh and avoidant, you hated the way their faces fell after ever rejection or the way you knew they would linger to steel and prep themselves before asking you something. You weren’t violent, you didn’t use mean words or clipped tones. You just simply withdrew. Physically present but always out of reach.
You put on a show for cameras, a lot more than you had in dream. You smiled more, spoke more and even leaned into the aesthetics thrust at you. If you knew the girls would be on live, you’d dress up and walk past on your way to the kitchen, showing off how “comfortable” the style was. You’d talk to one of the girls in the back, far enough that the phone wouldn’t pick up audio. The conversations would be simple; Coreo, schedule, small talk. But the point wasn’t the conversation it was fans seeing you interact. Soon enough the girls caught on, and the show of friendship became easier, for you at least.
The first year of Katseye was a whirlwind, anyone of the girls would agree. But for you, it was antagonising. You were alone, a fate of your own doing, spending day in day out either practicing at the studio or locked away in your bedroom.
You were the only one without a roommate in the dorm. When the seven of you had moved in Sophia had thought of ever way to allocate rooms possible, so paranoid of offending someone by making them room alone.
You, however, had seemed delighted by rooming alone. You had all but begged her, she wanted to say no and tell you that she should take it as the leader or Yoonchae as the youngest, but it was the most emotion you’d ever displayed. So, she simply sighed and agreed watching you as you scurried off down the hall.
After a full year, the girls had honestly given up trying to force you to like them, after all maybe this forced co-existence could work. The fans had certainly bought it after all. Plus, their patience was thinning after team bonding had been missed or “forgotten” week after week. Little did they know you were actually in your room deep in panic. Nerves having built up till you couldn’t think clearly or breath and by the time you had gotten a hold of yourself again you were too scared to go down with how late you were.
The fear of the girls learning too much or getting too close made you uneasy, contemplating the hours away until you heard them pack up. You knew what went on during bonding nights, board games, and secret sharing until Yoonchae went to bed then something more romantic… It’s not like you were opposed to their affections with each other, if anything you were glad that they had each other. But the fear, fear of being made to join or fear of being rejected or ignored ate you alive.
This only really started to change when you guys hit the groups 1 year anniversary. The day had started relatively ordinary, an early morning practice in the studio everyone blinking away sleep and exhaustion as you worked through the choreography over and over again until you all had it down.
The year had flown by in your opinion, maybe it was the isolation or how much you had thrown yourself into improving and fooling the fans that everything was okay with the groups social aspect. It left you exhausted and made the days blur into one puddle of loneliness and that bubbling feeling of anxiety.
After that gruelling practice you had expected to go straight back to the dorm and into your room, headphones on and door locked. Unfortunately, Sophia seemed to have other plans as the second you all got inside she was in “get ready” mode. Food made quickly, showers scheduled and orders on appropriate dress for the event. The other 5 zoomed off, knowing Sophia meant business when she was in this mood. You, however, stood frozen shoes still on staring at Sophia trying and failing to mask the bubbling fear, confusion, and dread at the prospect of being dragged to some loud shitty bar surrounded by idiot and the stench of alcohol.
Sophia paused, taking a second to stare at you. You don’t notice her analysis of you, too busy wrapped in your own head question after question circling your mind. What do I wear? Where are we going? Will they be mad if I don’t go? Wait… Is she talking to me?
“Y/N!” Sophia’s yell breaks you out of your thoughts and you snap your eyes up to look at her unimpressed and impatient face. With a sigh she walks closer to you, placing a hand on your shoulder pausing when you flinch at the contact.
“s-sorry” you chuckle, “guess I’m just jumpy…” you chuckle awkwardly forcing a smile as you take a deep breath. “What were you saying Sophia? I spaced out I think…”
She looks at you for a second her eyes a mix of concern and confusion, “I said are you going to get ready? Surely Megan told you we were going out...?”
A shake of your head is all it takes for her expression to soften into one of realisation, her eyes softening. “I er…Where are we um going?” you’re a blundering mess as you try to clear the fog of your mind forcing that all too easy fake smile as you look up at her.
“To dinner, somewhere fancy, I believe Lara and Manon picked.” There is an amused lilt to her voice as she says it, and you can’t help force yet another smile as you scurry to your room. What the hell did you have to wear? Would you like anything on the menu? What if-
Then a loud knock sounds on your door followed by the yell of a riled-up Daniela “Y/N IF YOU NEED TO SHOWER GO NOW, WE DON’T HAVE TIME TO SIT AROUND.” Right. You nod to yourself. Shower first, worry about clothes later.
Your shower was quick, too afraid of spending too long and further fanning the flames of Daniela’s impatience and wrath. The second you were back in your room you dug through your wardrobe. Nothing fit, it all looked too itchy or too tight or or- and you were spiralling again… Fuck.
You don’t even remember the rest of getting ready, it was all a blur like some sort of trance, the same as the ones you entered whenever it came to throwing on outfits and makeup for events or shoots.
You only really snapped back when you sat in the back of the van your head pressed against the cold window as the girls all chatted excitedly. You were unaware of Sophias unwavering gaze on you or how she whispered something to Manon, the eldest’s eyes softening and looking at you puzzled.
You simply let your eyes shut as you shut the world out, your headphones been left on your bed a stupid mistake thanks to the speed and panic of your exit to the car. You never went anywhere without your headphones, the world was too loud and overwhelming most of the time, especially with your busy schedules and stressful fan interactions.
By the time the 7 of you got into the restaurant you could already feel that tight feeling in your chest, sitting between Lara and Manon in the booth you tried to focus on the jokes passed around and Sophia listing all the tempting meals on the menu. But the tightness would not budge and soon you help yourself locking your hands onto your arms, nails digging in making little crescent shaped cuts on your forearms.
You hadn’t even noticed the blood not really, not until a soft gasp came from next to you, Manon reaching to softly guide you up to stand leading you to the bathroom. You were so out of it buy then the need for air growing as your chest only tightened more painfully after every failure to get air into your lungs.
Manon turns towards the door the second it opens, seeing Lara’s worried expression that only morphs into one of horror that has Manon whipping around so fast. She had looked away for a second maybe two, but you were already so much worse.
Laying on the cold dirty floor you were gasping for air, your hands now on your shoulders pushing in hard to apply a crushing pressure as your nails began to dig into the bare skin there. Moving back and forth you brushed your skin against the rough surface of the floor as they looked ay you sadly. A whimper escaping your lips as a stutter of “S-st-t-op… Make i-it… st-” escapes your mouth as you gasp for breath again.
The two are in action immediately, Manon crouching to gently scoup you into her arms, her grip tight as Lara moves to pry your arms away from yourself tracing her nails so gently again the skin hoping the feeling will ground you.
“That’s it babes” Manon coos, “Focus on us yeah, that’s it.” She pulls you tighter, tucking your tear-stained face into the space between her neck and chest to let you feel her deep breaths in the hoped it guides you.
“Y/n breath for us please, c’mon...” Lara’s worried voice calls out to you through the fog just like Manon’s, but you just can’t what if they… The second your mind spirals your eyes screw shut and any progress of shallow half breaths you had managed goes out the window as your chest squeezes so tight that you think this might be the end.
Your vision starts to dot and your about to welcome the freeing embrace of darkness until two soft hands cup your face, they are cold and freshly wet and when your vision unblurs peace by peace your eyes focus on the picture of Sophia. Her eyebrows furrowed and eyes full of panic, yet deeper inside them you can see the care and… safety?
Her thumbs rub soothing cool circles into the skin of your cheeks as she over exaggerates her breathing, every lift of her shoulders and soft squeeze to your cheeks guides you to take a new breath and soon you feel the flood of oxygen entering your lungs.
You let your eyes close as you begin to breath normally again, a mix of fear and shame filling your entire body. They saw and now they are going to be mad. You wait for it to happen; the yelling and screaming, the harsh grip on your body as they get in your face. Their expression full of rage and disgust. But it never comes and soon you’re opening your eyes to see their sad and worried expressions.
“I think,” Sophia starts her hands moving to intertwin with your own “that you we should head home and order in, maybe get changed into something cosy and watch a movie?”
The others nod before you can even process what comes out her mouth and you feel Manon’s strong arms around you as she guides you to stand. Lara moving over to grip your waist when they see your legs start to shake and fail you. You’re exhausted and they all know it, but nobody is blaming you and that fact alone makes your head dizzy.
Sophia takes over as soon as you enter the threshold of the dorm, her hand looping into yours as she guides you to the bathroom flicking on the water as she plugs the tub.
“I’m going to pour in some antiseptic, okay? Its going to sting but we don’t want those little cuts infected do we hmm?” she’s talking to herself mainly, she knows you’re beyond out of it but her face lights up when you give her a small nod. She leaves you to undress and bath in piece grabbing a hoodie and some pyjama shorts from the clean washing pile she knows are yours and leaving them by the door as promised before going to set up the movie night.
You sink into the hot water and take a deep breath, letting the soft sting of your arms fade as you retell the days events in your head. You know that it’s not over and that you’re going to have to talk to them properly, but right now you want to let yourself believe your safe and that everything will be okay.
Summary: Through the years you've been in each other's lives there were four times Lara held your hand through something important, and one time you held her in return.
"Over the Dead Sea, keepin' you company.
Thinking: I'm not afraid of you now" - Adrianne Lenker
Requested? ✅
Genre: Fluff, Soft, 7th Member!Reader
Warnings: None
Extra Tags: Pre-relationship, Soft!Lara, Oblivious!Reader, Oh-Shit-I-Like-Her moment.
The first time it happens, your suitcase sits packed by the floor and you were seated on your bed after Ezrela had left. Winning was a relief, but outweighed by a grief that makes you feel like a fraud- For the sadness was not born from a loss of your own.
Your best friend would not be debuting with you. Your only friend is going home, while you're going somewhere you never expected to be in.
The knock on the door slightly draws your attention, but looking at it through your peripherals is all you're able to manage when the sadness clings to your bones like the cold chill of rain.
"Hey Y/N, I'm coming in okay?"
There's a few ample seconds of silence before the door's old hinges creak open and Lara's head pokes through the gap with an inquisitive look in her eyes.
"The rest of the girls are downstairs- Oh."
Something wrong must have bled through the impassive expression you thought you were wearing, because not a moment after meeting your gaze, she immediately slips into the room.
"Oh Y/N. I'm so sorry."
You feel the furrow of your brow before you could stop your vision from going blurry with the tears you've been holding in since Ezrela's elimination yesterday. The spot beside you on the bed dips gently as Lara takes a seat beside you.
Her warmth feels wrong, the air of the room goes from empty to suffocating in an instant when all you could think about was how your best friend has already left and now you're left alone to live a dream you believed would have claimed for the both of you; Together.
Lara reaches for your hand, and you let her intertwine her fingers with yours even if she's basically a stranger whose name and face you know. Because having a stranger for an anchor seemed better than drowning in sorrow.
The words escape you before she could ask what's wrong, your voice sounding strange to Lara's ears on account of how she never really heard you speak to anyone other than Ezrela- And even then, you'd always talk with a hushed tone. Your words never making it to the ears of anyone but the one you intended for them to reach.
"She's gone. She's going home and I'm staying here and I don't know how to do this without her..."
Your voice and your heart cracks at the end. The reality of the situation really sinking into you, and Lara understands what you were implying with your words:
Ezrela's no longer here, your friend is no longer here-
"It hasn't even been five hours but I already miss my friend."
-You're alone now.
Your tears flow and your shoulders shake with sobs as Lara sees you break before you've even had the chance to shine. She lets you cry, lets your tears drop onto the back of her hand and lets your fingers cling loosely while she holds on properly.
You don't know each other yet, but she's never been the kind of person to look the other way when she can do something to help with a situation. So with determination and a silent prayer that she's not overstepping anything, she gently tugs your hand in her direction.
"You're not alone in this, you've got other friends here."
There's a miniscule shake of your head, and for a moment you almost explain that you aren't close to Megan, Daniela, or Manon- That you've never even spoken to Sophia and Yoonchae even when they're the most approachable people in the training program.
But you're tired and explaining meant baring even more of your heart out to Lara, and you don't know her yet either. So instead, you settle for a summarizing statement and a question you assumed was rhetorical.
"There's no one else. Even if there was, who would it even be?"
Lara nudges your shoulder with hers, the gentle but firm force behind the motion makes you turn your head to look at her, and you find that she's wearing a small smile that's directed at you.
"We could start with just me. Then the others will follow soon enough, is that alright with you?"
Sophia never spared you a glance.
Daniela was attached to Manon at the hip.
Manon couldn't care less about building connections if she wasn't approached first.
Megan stops looking your way whenever you catch her staring.
Yoonchae prefers to keep to herself due to the language barriers.
You're not sure if you're ever going to find a place for yourself in a group that's odd numbered, but you look down at Lara's steady grip on your hand before looking back at her face. The small tentative smile on her lips still hasn't faltered, and maybe you are alone- But it has always been human nature to hope.
So you nod, squeezing her hand back just a tiny bit before speaking up softly.
No one ever told you that debuting causes ringing in one's ears after a stage. No one ever told you that adrenaline could get this high outside of a life or death situation, and you've certainly never felt this weak in the knees before so you sit down on the floor before your face suffers an unfortunate collision with its tiles.
Sophia shoots you two thumbs ups, you see the deep tiredness in her eyes but the big grin of joy on her face remaining steady despite her heavy breathing and sweat drenched skin.
Daniela claps a hand on your back in congratulations of a job well done before she's bounding off to the water station with a mission.
Megan offers a nod and a tight lipped smile, maintaining eye contact for just long enough for the shared gaze to feel like camaraderie before she's looking away again.
Manon whispers "You did great." before making a beeline for the open couch, her spine visibly decompressing as she flops face down into the cushions.
Yoonchae walks towards you with unsure hesitation in her eyes before she eventually holds one hand up for a high five, a request you grant with a shy smile of your own. She leaves you with a heavily accented 'Congratulations' before she's running off to Megan's side.
Lara is the last to enter the green room, her steps are tired but languid with the satisfaction over a successful performance. Her eyes glance over the other occupants of the room, ensuring that everyone is in good spirits before she slowly lowers herself onto the floor beside you.
"You're fitting right in, I see."
Her hand sneaks onto your lap, intertwining its fingers with your own before squeezing and releasing in three short bursts. When you look up to meet her eyes, you come face to face with an expression of concern instead of excitement.
"Your hands are shaking.. Are you okay? Do you need anything? Water, maybe? Snacks? Are you feeling lightheaded?"
You cut her off with a small chuckle alongside a shake of your head and a small embarrassed wave of your free hand in an attempt to assuage her worry.
"Just nerves- Good nerves. Don't worry."
The vocalist's eyebrows furrow in concentration, like she's looking for any miniscule tells on your face that would clue her in to the existence of any possible lies. She finds nothing, and resorts to being direct once more.
"Promise?"
"Promise."
She nods only once, resolute in trusting that you're telling the truth. For a moment, you think she's going to leave you to your own devices to worry about herself next. So you lessen the grip of your hold-
Except Lara's hand remains holding onto yours until everyone has rested enough to get out of the stage outfits, and when you all climb into the van, her hand finds yours again. Slotting her fingers between yours before falling asleep almost immediately, like it's so natural to just be in your presence. -------------------------------------------------------
Living life as a member of Katseye means down time is hard to come by, it means that down times spent in glorious silence is even more so.
You spend your afternoon lounging on the couch, letting time trickle by at a leisurely pace as you play on your phone, attention fully engrossed on the game and on the game only.
"No ad breaks? Damn girl, you're financially set."
You laugh at the statement as Lara climbs onto the couch beside you, resting her head against your shoulder as she watches the game like it was a Triple A rather than some mobile trash.
"You say that like you're not in the same money-making globally famous girl group as I am. You could get rid of ads on your games if you wanted too, y'know?"
She shrugs in response.
"I could. But why would I when I could borrow yours instead? Gimme. Watch how the pros do it."
Lara snatches your phone out of your hands, a smmug smile on her face while she pays little heed to the complaint that leaves your lips at the theft as she continues playing the level you were in the middle of-
Only to drop your phone when a jumpscare takes place on the screen.
You don't bother to stifle the laugh that bursts out of you.
"You were saying?"
Lara rolls her eyes, smiling and shaking her head as she hands you back the phone before settling her head against your shoulder once more. She takes one of your hand in hers, once again ignoring your complaints when you gripe about the impossibly of playing with only one hand on the phone.
"Don't worry, I'm a pro at moral support. You got this!"
You did not infact have it, and you lose more times in that one sitting than you ever did playing horror games in the past. But Lara laughs brightly every time the game over text appears on screen and you find that losing isn't so bad after all.
Back to back interviews mean success is in your laps, but they also mean little sleep and rest if you're lucky- None at all if you aren't. Your feet drag rather than walk as you wave to the fans on the way back to the van, and by some unfortunate mean of diminished attention span:
The front end of your shoe collides with the foor of the barricade.
Briefly, you think to yourself that this is it. That of all the ways it could've happened, you're going to kick the bucket by cracking your skull open on the cold, grey pavement after accidentally kicking a fifteen pound hunk of solid steel security railing.
Your eyes close shut as a reflex as you brace yourself for the inevitably of eating pavement on the way down to the floor. Except you're hauled backwards into sudden safety, and there's the deafening sound of screaming fans that belongs inside of a stadium and not out on the street as they're waving you goodbye.
Peeking one eye open, you find yourself flush against a leopard print jacket. Confusion bewilders you for all but a moment before you register Lara's tight grip on your hand, and it sinks in that she was the one to catch you mid-fall at the last second.
"Thanks."
Of all the things she expected to happen: Keep you from eating pavement, maybe rile up the shippers, throw in a cheesy comment about being a knight in leopard-printed armor after saving you-
Lara didn't expect for her world to go quiet at the sight of the small echo of a smile on your face, made visible only by the shadow cast by the street lights.
"Uh, it's okay?"
She stands still in the same spot for a handful of critical moments after you've pulled away and started climbing into the van. The only thing that snaps her out of the trance is a sharp nudge from an arm with a jade bracelet, and Lara finally climbs into the very back of the van with Megan following behind her.
There's a tap on her shoulder from Megan, who she finds sporting a teasing smile as she's handed the Chinese woman's phone. The notes app is open and the statement is bold, highlighted, and in all caps to top everything off.
'Uh, it's okay?' GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER GIRL!!!
Lara's eyes roll as she types in her own response. Bold, highlighted, and in all caps just to spite her groupmate while urgency pushes her to type faster than she normally does.
GET YOUR NOSE OUTTA MY BUSINESS, MEIYOK!!!
Megan snickers as she silently reads the reply, shaking her head and typing out a counter with surprising speed.
Keep that up and I'll have tons of blackmail by the time the wedding bells ring. <3
Lara pretends not to be bothered by the way her cheeks heat up immediately after reading the teasing remark, opting to look out the window in a fruitless attempt to redirect her mind to thinking of the store signs that blur past their moving vehicle-
Lay/n is viral before midnight comes.
Katseye News: Lara has successfully saved Y/N from diving face-first into asphalt! #BestieGoals *Insert Video*
@ynsteponme: "bestiegoals"? bffr did you see laras face after y/n pulled away? might as well be two filipinos in this group w d way she was yearninggg
@hoez4katz: miss ma'am back off, we knew she was fine before you saved her tonight!
@laraspointyhoodie: RIGHT?! Like, girl we been here from the start. The back of the line is *that* way Ms. Raj!
@antagonistzinii: MY SHIP IS SAILING!!
@spidermeigan: the way megan pushed her?! her bi ass basically told lara to get her gay ass in order 😭
@babyytajin y/n move out the way, THAT SHOULD BE ME!!!
@avanziniglazer: First, Sophia stole my bias. Now Y/N's stealing my bias wrecker?!? 😔
If it so happens that she spends the rest of the night kicking out over three-quarters of her followers out of her tiktok so she could save edits of your ship? That's none of everybody's business but hers.
The sudden breaking of the silence in the dark sends a thunderbolt of surprise through Lara's soul. She can hear you snickering from your bed no matter how valiantly you tried to hide your amusement at her expense.
Because she likes the sound, and simply because it's your- Lara decides not to do anything about it but roll her eyes before answering you.
"No, but it's okay. We're free tomorrow anyways."
Your hum is followed by a few beats of silence before the sound of rustling sheets softly drift through the air.
"Come over."
"What?"
There was no other way to respond, especially when she thought she hallucinated the sound of your voice. She turns her head to the side, squinting her eyes and willing them to adjust to the darkness. Soon enough, she's able to make out the faint shape of your arm raised in the air with the edge of the blanket grasped in your fist.
"I said: Come over."
Your voice sounds the most unfaltering she's ever heard it be and for a moment, Lara wonders if this is a blessing or a curse. She sees no possibility of surviving the night if she spends it with you in your sheets, underneath your blanket, with your body right beside her, in the dark of this space you've shared for less than a day.
Lara knows she should come up with an excuse. Maybe say she's too tired to move, maybe say your blanket would feel itchy; Anything to save herself from inward combustion that is sure to result in doom.
But you beckon her, and over the two years spent together in Katseye, Lara only realises how much power you hold over her when her feet are already swinging over her bed and walking her closer to yours.
There's a moment where she tells herself that she can tough this out. When she slips under your covers and settles against your side with a hair's width of distance between your skin. But then you gently slide an arm beneath her head before slowly pulling her flush against you- And every ounce of her resolve comes crumbling down like ancient ruins turned to dust.
In the silence of that moment, when her ear is pressed to the spot above your heart and the gentle rhythmic thumping somehow manages to remind her of home: Lara accepts defeat and lets herself fall completely head over heels.
"What's running through your mind?"
Your voice sounds so curious and so concerned that its cluelessness almost makes her laugh. A question so innocent, so friendly, so kind- Yet it unknowingly opened the door that leads down a chance to either ruin this friendship or take you both to new horizons together.
'At the moment? You.'
The answer almost slips out, but she voluntarily bites her tongue and successfully keeps herself out of the deep end. You take the few seconds of silence as nothing more than that of your groupmate composing her thoughts, oblivious to the way you're single-handedly causing an internal panic.
"Everything just seems to be changing so fast, I don't know how to keep track of it all-"
You wait patiently, the rise and fall of your chest beneath her head never faltering in its repetition and Lara almost wants to scowl at how easily you're making her fall even more by doing nothing at all. She opts to continue speaking- She'd be lying if she said she hated it.
"It felt like just yesterday we moved into a single house, now we moved out and it's just you and me in this new place. I know the rest of the girls are just one call away and that Megan and Manon are gonna come over because they're too lazy to cook, that Daniela's gonna be facetiming us for help in putting together her furniture- But I just don't know what to start with when everything feels so overwhelmingly new again.."
She feels you nod, hears you hum in that way she knows you do when you already know just what to say but you're just letting the other person let their words sink in. Lara tries not to look up, afraid that if her eyes trace the outline of your jaw then she won't have the self control to keep her lips off your skin.
"We could start with remembering that I'll always be by your side, does that sound good?"
The vocalist breathes in deeply, silently hoping that her wild heartbeat can't be felt through your skin before she lets herself exhale through her nose in an effort to seem calm and unbothered; Trying her best to act nonchalant whilst being in the middle of a battle to preserve her sanity.
Then your fingers intertwine with hers, gently and slowly as you wordlessly give her the chance to pull away. To build up a barrier between the two of you which was never there before, and Lara immediately forgoes the act of feigning calm in such a life-altering moment.
"Sounds perfect."
She almost laughs at how easily it came out, almost shakes her head at how cheesy it was that the inflection of her words mirrored a cartoon character she once watched as a child. A long buried but still important memory of two women walking hand in hand into a newly opened portal in the middle of a City's battle ruined landscape.
"Go to sleep. You'll thank me tomorrow when you wake up feeling refreshed."
Lara squeezes your hand in silent thanks. Holding onto you and onto the maddening hopes and dreams that maybe someday this can turn into something more special than the friendship you share.
If she fails to wake up tomorrow on account of not being able to handle the age-old gay panic over falling for her best friend-
Lara thinks that maybe it's not such a bad way to go if her final memory is that of being held by your arms.
A/N: Soft Lara, soft Lara, soft Lara, soft Lara, soft Lara- I hope you guys liked this! Also, I'm enrolling in my final semester of college tomorrow guys, wish me luck pls- Your Author desperately wants to start getting paid.. 🥹
As always, don't be afraid to lmk what you thought, until next time!
