#9.15.18

[newscoldplay]

Chris singing "My Heart Will Go On" at the Leonardo DiCaprio Foundation Gala

[shoephoneweasley]

Why I Can’t Sleep Tonight #8

This is the first time I’ve been on my laptop in so long. I miss the simple days when I used to spend all my time on here just typing away. I miss typing so much. It’s almost two in the morning and I have to be away by 4:30 a.m. but I just really needed to type, ya know?

I hate that I think so much at night. It’s such a hassle.

Back in July, I had decided that it was time for me to move back to Mississippi. I thought to myself that I just can’t afford to live in Orlando anymore since I don’t have a car, and as much as I love working at Universal, the bullshit I deal with on an almost daily basis is just too much to handle. So I told all my friends here, my coworkers, my family and friends back home, that I planned on moving back to Smithville in February of 2019.

I had it all planned out too. I was going to move in with Tyler and our friend Scott. I would work on getting a job somewhere it was easy for me to get back and forth from. But more importantly, I would be near my nephew Joshua, who is my absolute pride and joy in this crazy ass world.

Before I had decided to move back, I had already planned on taking a week’s vacation to visit home and just enjoy the country life. I really thought I missed it and I was just so so very excited to head back to Mississippi for a week and see everyone. After deciding to move back, I couldn’t wait for my vacation so I could plan my move back home.

I was home for nine days, but the first three days made me realize I had made a terrible mistake.

The first incident: Long story short, Tyler and I messed around last year when I visited home in August. He made it very, very, VERY FREAKING CLEAR that he wanted to mess around again this time when I was home. He would literally text me eggplant emojis and my stupid ass fell for it because... well... I’m stupid. And then when it was night and we were getting ready for bed and I was ready for... whatever... he just up and decided “Eh, nevermind, I’m good.”

It took me awhile to realize he was literally just doing this to be an asshole because he knows that I kind of like our friend Scott, and Scott is kind of into me as well. Scott is total gentleman and I would be the luckiest girl ever to end up with him. But Tyler is a FUCKING ASSHOLE and decided to ruin the whole thing. I just... nah, I’m not living with him after that realization.

The second incident: I fell through the floor of my parents house. The floors were very, very weak, and I stepped on a soft spot and went right through the floor. As I laid there with one leg touching the ground, all I felt was Mississippi laughing at me and telling me that I don’t belong there anymore.

The third incident: Not really an incident, but more of an observation. Without a car, I’m literally stuck in house all day against my will unless a friend wants to go somewhere. If they don’t, I am screwed. My mom won’t let me drive her car. She wouldn’t even let me take it down the street to get something from Dollar General. Boredom doesn’t even began to explain half my time being couped up in that house because I had nothing to do and no one to see.

The fourth incident: I love my family, but I no longer fit in with them. Not that I ever did, but it was easier to pretend back then. Now... not so much.

A few years ago, I came to the realization that I’m bisexual. I like men and women. It’s not a phase. I pretty sure I’ve known this since I was little (I’m talking like five years old at least) but I never acted up it because I was always told that it was wrong. However, living in Florida for a little over three years now has slowly changed how I see and accept things, and I choose to accept my bisexuality and new looks on life.

My family does not.

I’m not telling them about this not because I’m ashamed, but because 1. it’s none of their business, and 2. they will do everything in their power to try to convince me none of this is real and I’m just showing out or whatever. Yeah, no, I’m fine keeping my thoughts to myself and being gay as hell here in Orlando. #sorrynotsorry

I got into a small argument with my mom though. She tried to tell me that being bi wasn’t an actual thing. “People who sleep with men and women are how HIV and AIDS gets spread around. It doesn’t make sense, you’re either gay or straight, there is no in-between.”

What killed me the most though was the example she gave me on why it’s dangerous to be bisexual: “Let’s say you marry a man, and you think you are in love with him. Y’all are marry for like 20 years, and then all of the sudden, you fall in love with a women and decide to leave your husband. That’s not cool at all.”

I stared at her in disbelief and asked, “But if you fall in love with another man and live your husband for him, that’s okay?” She couldn’t say anything, but I knew I had made my point.

I don’t want to have to argue with my family like that everyday because they said some offhand comment I don’t agree with. They do that all the time. My sister literally asked me if one of my friends had daddy issues because she sleeps around a lot. Um, no ma’am, she does not. She and her father have an amazing relationship. She just loves sex. She wanna be a hoe? As long as she’s protecting herself, I couldn’t be more proud. Fuck out of here with that.

The last incident: I forgot how backwards Mississippi, especially country ass bumpkin ass Monroe County, really is. Smithville lost so many businesses when the tornado hit seven years ago. There are still stores that could be built there. Right now, there is only a Dollar General. There was a Piggly Wiggly, but it got blown away. What do they decide to put in it’s place instead of another place to grocery shop?

A motherfucking gun shop.

All the shit going on in Trump’s America right now, and they want to put a damn gun shop there.

I was LIVID when I found out. I’m still livid, which is how this whole post came to be. Like, how fucking dare they think this is okay?! And the best part is that the asshole running the shop... well yeah, he’s a fucking asshole! Mallory told me about all the stunts he pulled in Amory when there was a march going on for gun control and it literally frustrated me to tears. It still does. I just... I can’t go back to that. I refuse.

I hate that I told everyone BEFORE I visited that week that I was moving back. I wish I had just had the thought in my head, told no one, experienced my week back in Mississippi, and then decided on if I was moving back or not. Now I have to go through the embarrassment of telling everyone a month later that, oh hey, nevermind, I’m not going back to that hellhole.

Yeah, Florida is expensive as hell to live in. It sucks not having a car or money here. But I’m trying so hard. And despite all of the hardships, I’m still so happy here. I have the buses to get around (even though they suck). I can walk to nearby stores. I’m independent as hell and I love it.

I thought I was going to be so happy to go back home, but while I was there and watching the snapchats of my friends at work, I realized that I still missed Orlando more than Smithville, and that it was going to break my heart to live.

No, I don’t plan on staying in Orlando forever. There are still so many places to see and live. But for the time being, Orlando is my home and I’m forever in love, through the good and bad times. I’m just so happy I was able to realize that before making a huge mistake.

[newscoldplay]

Chris performing for the Leonardo DiCaprio Foundation - September 15

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Chris soundchecking AOAL for the Leonardo DiCaprio Foundation in Sonoma, CA!

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Chris performing Something Just Like This for the Leonardo DiCaprio Foundation! - Sept 15 

[newscoldplay]

Chris Martin talking about Leonardo DiCaprio's commitment to the business of cargo shorts - September 15

[shapeshifter-of-constellation]

Next payday im gonna deposit the insurance mny into the account. So that way instead of getting 2 processing fees, i'll just get 1.

[silkthyme]

a walk around the lake