#9.5.15

[thedeviljudges]

montreal 9.5

[violettewednesday]

9.5.15

[thedumblyfe]

9.6.15

I am going to make this year the best year that ever came to me. I want to try my hardest and I want that effort to spread to other people and share warmth!!!

[too-old-for-this-ship]

September 5

[imprvmnt]

im a hypocrite in more ways that one.

i hate needy ppl. yet i think I’m more needy than most. i just have too much pride to admit my needs. cuz that shows weakness. either that or I’m very passive aggressive and am just justifying my pride by calling myself weak from admitting my needs.

Rage is the most commonly acted out feeling. Rage does need acceptance and expression. But being so misunderstood and heavily judged against, it has been easily twisted and turned around, used as a means for resistance and denial to continue instead of coming to healing. Consider for a moment that when rage stops acting out and begins to cry (yes, rage cries -- if you find this hard to believe, spend some time around an angry infant) it becomes vulnerable. Rage hates feeling vulnerable worst of all, and will avoid such weakness at all cost. Acting out is one of its favorite ways to avoid feeling vulnerable.

Self-hate acts out both covertly and overtly. Self-destructive behaviors, such as compulsions, addictions, "accidents", all help to keep the real feelings from surfacing. And self-hate is some of the most difficult pain to cry -- often laced with real shame, and sometimes accompanied by physical pains, especially when the self-hate has been hate of one's own body. When self-hate can't get you to act out on yourself, it will often find someone else to do it. This acting out runs the full range from very subtle guilt, to verbal abuse, all the way to the extreme, such as victims of physical abuse. Getting the real self-hate moving will help you be able to extricate yourself from abusive situations, and draw to you more positive reflections.

lust turned into something more. but i wasn’t expecting or planning or consciously aware of wanting it to go further than that. i had given up on it long ago. it was a feeling. but i didn’t allow it to grow. i didn’t intend to. i didn’t have a strong enough feeling to follow it. but then again i never do. i don’t know if i suppressed it. or if its a feeling I’m not able to have. i always feel resistance to loving. i don’t kno if I’m still scared of it. I’ve become more open to the idea. maybe even hopeful. but i also know that when you expect. it doesn’t come. things happen out of the blue so I’ve trained myself to not expect or look. but when options come my way. I’m picky. anyways. lust turned into something more. not for me. initially. i was just being hormonal. teenager. rebellious. i graduated. I’m always looking for an adrenaline rush. always risking things. trying to be more interesting cuz i think i just get bored with myself/the way i live my life. not adventurous enough even tho when i tell ppl about my life and the things I’ve experienced I realize I’ve don’t more than most. anyways i snuck out the house. eager and restless to do something that made me feel more badass. toke late night. and I’m always down for a good one on one conversation. drove out to the toke spot. checked out the lights. sat back down. talked about idk. lots of laughing. and then it happened all of a sudden. and i was going with it. then i was like wait whats happening. and he said just go with it. and thats my motto so i went with it. and then it went further and i was confused and asked whats happening. and he said you knew this was gonna happen eventually. and i got kinda mad. cuz i didn’t know. i had no idea. but i still just went with it. cuz i thought about the what would happen after and didn’t think i would regret it late. but i didn’t think about the consequence that he would expect something more after. i questioned him more and asked him about it. he said we’ve been waiting for this moment. and he’s been waiting for this but the time wasn’t right. and then i got mad even more. because i was never aware he liked me. i guess everyone else knew (after i discussed this with others after) but i never knew. i mean. i guess if i thought back far enough. like 8th grade. and like. junior year for a few months then yeah. like we always had good conversations. but nothing ever progressed further and during that time in between 8th grade and now he had girl friends. and he was busy and sometimes he cut ppl off and i would make an effort to see if he was ok. but i did that normally with all my other friends. he asked me to junior prom one day when we were walking out of 6th period and i said yes because we’re both good friends and very chill and i knew we would have a good time if we went. not worrisome about if the ‘date’ was having a good time. etc. there was a comfort level. he ended up not being able to go. i said yes to him after saying no to like 4 other ppl. all options ran out. i went with someone random since i said no to my other options already. after that me n justin stopped talking. i dismissed it. prom ended. justin cut everyone off again. i made my checkups less frequent. back to that night. i find out he still liked me this whole time but never did anything about it till now. its not like i was waiting for him. but i don’t like ppl who don’t just go at things straight foreword. i need that directness. and then he tried to turn the tables and say oh you knew this was gonna happen eventually. i took it as u kno you wanted this to happen the entire time. and i thought back to it. and ok maybe i was fine with it. but i wasn’t fine with using it as an excuse to take things to the next level. or even use it as a cover up to unveil the ‘real’ reason why we did it: we always loved each other and this is an excuse to get together forreal. i haven’t thought of him like that since. before prom junior year. all of a sudden I’m questing if i did still love him or not. i came to the conclusion that i didn’t. cuz i didn’t wanna take things further and i knew he wasn’t gonna make the effort. he’d just shut him off again and i wouldnt be able to get in and i didn’t want to waste my own effort. i thought it out planned out a mini relationship in my head and dismissed it. we never discussed things further. the only reason i didn’t wanna do it was because i didn’t wanna lose a friendship to a relationship. i thought things out and believed that because we had a strong enough friendship before, doing something like this wouldn’t affect the dynamic. we would simply acknowledge it as something that spontaneously happened at the spur of the moment and discard it as nothing. continuing along with our friendship. that didn’t happen. he wanted to take things further and i was one month from leaving for college. i was only willing to see where it would lead if i could see the relationship lasting. i didn’t see it lasting. so i wasn’t willing to try. i decided that. he knew i didn’t want any strings attached. but i didn’t want him to take that as no being friends with him. a year passes. I come home. theres a party. i heard he changed. ver philosophical like straight from a book. its annoying. he acts like he knows and understands it all and is in the right just cuz he read some book.i indirectly take it out on him by being salty and bitchy. bad hi. three of us in the car. i leave. end of discussion. i don’t say bye when i leave. later. he wants to hang out. I get my hopes up and think its time for closure or discussion on what happened. he schedules for tuesday. i say ok but u have to call me up that day of to let me know the time. cuz i knew he doesn’t keep his word. i still let my hopes get up but he didn’t call. he apologies and i accept it telling him i knew that would happen. he tries to reschedule but I’m not willing to preplan something unless i know he’s gonna keep his word. i tell him to just call me one day and see if I’m available the day off. that never happens. still never talked. i ask him about trees. he can’t provide. conversation over. i don’t waste my time with the conversation and just get straight to the point especially with him because i don’t like to waste my time especially if theres no point in trying to put meaning in the the conversation. he takes it as I’m just using him. if u wanna look at it that way i am. but that was just once. i don’t like how its led to this thats what i regret. camping. got super drunk i think i was trying to prove that a one night stand can simply just be a one night stand and nothing more. very embarrassing.

Remember that much of your pain is separate from you because it was either unacceptable to you, too overwhelming to deal with at the time it was happening, or simply accumulated to become too large a burden for you to carry. We had no knowledge of how to heal these things until recently. We didn't know that allowing ourselves to cry the pain would keep it from accumulating. So now we are wading back through eons and eons of backlog. This is not an easy process. Take it slowly and in small chunks. Baby steps will make it bearable.

Go forward, at whatever pace you can. You are very courageous.you can’t drag around the personal badge from yesterday and expect to have good relationships. you have to let it go. you may have had some bad breaks but that didn’t stop god’s plan for your life. he still has amazing things in your future. when one for closes stay in faith, and god will open another door. don’t sit around in self pity. let your heart love again. let your heart try again. let your heart live again. someone may have done you wrong but don’t let it poison you. tell your heart to forgive agin.

[imprvmnt]

im a hypocrite in more ways that one.

i hate needy ppl. yet i think I’m more needy than most. i just have too much pride to admit my needs. cuz that shows weakness. either that or I’m very passive aggressive and am just justifying my pride by calling myself weak from admitting my needs.

Rage is the most commonly acted out feeling. Rage does need acceptance and expression. But being so misunderstood and heavily judged against, it has been easily twisted and turned around, used as a means for resistance and denial to continue instead of coming to healing. Consider for a moment that when rage stops acting out and begins to cry (yes, rage cries -- if you find this hard to believe, spend some time around an angry infant) it becomes vulnerable. Rage hates feeling vulnerable worst of all, and will avoid such weakness at all cost. Acting out is one of its favorite ways to avoid feeling vulnerable.

Self-hate acts out both covertly and overtly. Self-destructive behaviors, such as compulsions, addictions, "accidents", all help to keep the real feelings from surfacing. And self-hate is some of the most difficult pain to cry -- often laced with real shame, and sometimes accompanied by physical pains, especially when the self-hate has been hate of one's own body. When self-hate can't get you to act out on yourself, it will often find someone else to do it. This acting out runs the full range from very subtle guilt, to verbal abuse, all the way to the extreme, such as victims of physical abuse. Getting the real self-hate moving will help you be able to extricate yourself from abusive situations, and draw to you more positive reflections.

lust turned into something more. but i wasn’t expecting or planning or consciously aware of wanting it to go further than that. i had given up on it long ago. it was a feeling. but i didn’t allow it to grow. i didn’t intend to. i didn’t have a strong enough feeling to follow it. but then again i never do. i don’t know if i suppressed it. or if its a feeling I’m not able to have. i always feel resistance to loving. i don’t kno if I’m still scared of it. I’ve become more open to the idea. maybe even hopeful. but i also know that when you expect. it doesn’t come. things happen out of the blue so I’ve trained myself to not expect or look. but when options come my way. I’m picky. anyways. lust turned into something more. not for me. initially. i was just being hormonal. teenager. rebellious. i graduated. I’m always looking for an adrenaline rush. always risking things. trying to be more interesting cuz i think i just get bored with myself/the way i live my life. not adventurous enough even tho when i tell ppl about my life and the things I’ve experienced I realize I’ve don’t more than most. anyways i snuck out the house. eager and restless to do something that made me feel more badass. toke late night. and I’m always down for a good one on one conversation. drove out to the toke spot. checked out the lights. sat back down. talked about idk. lots of laughing. and then it happened all of a sudden. and i was going with it. then i was like wait whats happening. and he said just go with it. and thats my motto so i went with it. and then it went further and i was confused and asked whats happening. and he said you knew this was gonna happen eventually. and i got kinda mad. cuz i didn’t know. i had no idea. but i still just went with it. cuz i thought about the what would happen after and didn’t think i would regret it late. but i didn’t think about the consequence that he would expect something more after. i questioned him more and asked him about it. he said we’ve been waiting for this moment. and he’s been waiting for this but the time wasn’t right. and then i got mad even more. because i was never aware he liked me. i guess everyone else knew (after i discussed this with others after) but i never knew. i mean. i guess if i thought back far enough. like 8th grade. and like. junior year for a few months then yeah. like we always had good conversations. but nothing ever progressed further and during that time in between 8th grade and now he had girl friends. and he was busy and sometimes he cut ppl off and i would make an effort to see if he was ok. but i did that normally with all my other friends. he asked me to junior prom one day when we were walking out of 6th period and i said yes because we’re both good friends and very chill and i knew we would have a good time if we went. not worrisome about if the ‘date’ was having a good time. etc. there was a comfort level. he ended up not being able to go. i said yes to him after saying no to like 4 other ppl. all options ran out. i went with someone random since i said no to my other options already. after that me n justin stopped talking. i dismissed it. prom ended. justin cut everyone off again. i made my checkups less frequent. back to that night. i find out he still liked me this whole time but never did anything about it till now. its not like i was waiting for him. but i don’t like ppl who don’t just go at things straight foreword. i need that directness. and then he tried to turn the tables and say oh you knew this was gonna happen eventually. i took it as u kno you wanted this to happen the entire time. and i thought back to it. and ok maybe i was fine with it. but i wasn’t fine with using it as an excuse to take things to the next level. or even use it as a cover up to unveil the ‘real’ reason why we did it: we always loved each other and this is an excuse to get together forreal. i haven’t thought of him like that since. before prom junior year. all of a sudden I’m questing if i did still love him or not. i came to the conclusion that i didn’t. cuz i didn’t wanna take things further and i knew he wasn’t gonna make the effort. he’d just shut him off again and i wouldnt be able to get in and i didn’t want to waste my own effort. i thought it out planned out a mini relationship in my head and dismissed it. we never discussed things further. the only reason i didn’t wanna do it was because i didn’t wanna lose a friendship to a relationship. i thought things out and believed that because we had a strong enough friendship before, doing something like this wouldn’t affect the dynamic. we would simply acknowledge it as something that spontaneously happened at the spur of the moment and discard it as nothing. continuing along with our friendship. that didn’t happen. he wanted to take things further and i was one month from leaving for college. i was only willing to see where it would lead if i could see the relationship lasting. i didn’t see it lasting. so i wasn’t willing to try. i decided that. he knew i didn’t want any strings attached. but i didn’t want him to take that as no being friends with him. a year passes. I come home. theres a party. i heard he changed. ver philosophical like straight from a book. its annoying. he acts like he knows and understands it all and is in the right just cuz he read some book.i indirectly take it out on him by being salty and bitchy. bad hi. three of us in the car. i leave. end of discussion. i don’t say bye when i leave. later. he wants to hang out. I get my hopes up and think its time for closure or discussion on what happened. he schedules for tuesday. i say ok but u have to call me up that day of to let me know the time. cuz i knew he doesn’t keep his word. i still let my hopes get up but he didn’t call. he apologies and i accept it telling him i knew that would happen. he tries to reschedule but I’m not willing to preplan something unless i know he’s gonna keep his word. i tell him to just call me one day and see if I’m available the day off. that never happens. still never talked. i ask him about trees. he can’t provide. conversation over. i don’t waste my time with the conversation and just get straight to the point especially with him because i don’t like to waste my time especially if theres no point in trying to put meaning in the the conversation. he takes it as I’m just using him. if u wanna look at it that way i am. but that was just once. i don’t like how its led to this thats what i regret. camping. got super drunk i think i was trying to prove that a one night stand can simply just be a one night stand and nothing more. very embarrassing.

Remember that much of your pain is separate from you because it was either unacceptable to you, too overwhelming to deal with at the time it was happening, or simply accumulated to become too large a burden for you to carry. We had no knowledge of how to heal these things until recently. We didn't know that allowing ourselves to cry the pain would keep it from accumulating. So now we are wading back through eons and eons of backlog. This is not an easy process. Take it slowly and in small chunks. Baby steps will make it bearable.

Go forward, at whatever pace you can. You are very courageous.you can’t drag around the personal badge from yesterday and expect to have good relationships. you have to let it go. you may have had some bad breaks but that didn’t stop god’s plan for your life. he still has amazing things in your future. when one for closes stay in faith, and god will open another door. don’t sit around in self pity. let your heart love again. let your heart try again. let your heart live again. someone may have done you wrong but don’t let it poison you. tell your heart to forgive agin.

[imprvmnt]

feeling blessed beyond belief. god truly works in the most amazing ways. he answers my questions and makes me aware of his presence. i feel empowered and revived. i feel like a million bucks.

what was the point of going home. there’s nothing here for me. i get nothing out of going home. i still feel alone. i didn’t have a place to go to. I’m not fully adjusted into the apartment yet. but i felt like i didn’t belong at home anymore. and then god gave me a reason, he opened my eyes and made me see what i’ve always had right in front of me. so this is what it feels like to come home.  what a great feeling to know. punishment with love. so much love. i can do the stupidest things and people still love me. what a great life. people were really praying for me and looking out for me. i’m a hard person to love. and yet. here i am. prayers answered. questions answered. questions that i didn’t even know i wanted answers to, answered. after this shitty. literally shitty week/intro into my second year, i feel like i can handle it now. i had my doubts. doubts that kept growing. but now i feel empowered.

I’m hard headed and learn things the hard way. the hardest way possible. I’m a slow learner.

[imprvmnt]

i have never known what home felt like until today. i can now say home sweet home with meaning. i now understand what its like to have a place of security. a stable feeling where i am welcomed in with love and open arms. i never really liked being home. its not that i felt unwanted at home. i just didn’t realize what i had at home. i took it for granted. love has no dollar sign. you can’t make things up to people by just replacing it or buying it off. love is love. love is being there for someone when they need you. when you know where you can get that. thats home.