Apr 3
It's easier to not give a fuck. U don't have to deal with anything. You don't get in anyone's way. It's safer for you. Building walls. That's my thing. Covering them up with lies. That makes it less obvious. That I'm shutting them out. At the same time I'm letting them in. I'm just too cautious about that kind of thing. It's easier to not give a fuck and move on with life's next victim
Apr 5
I didn't even have the will power/drive/motivation to even put clothes on after the shower. I just wanted to lay down on the floor and shut myself out from the world. If I could I wouldn't have even got out of the shower. I was literally about to sit down and just stay there the whole night. But I ended up getting out. But I'm still laying down. What u really wanted to do was just take off and leave and just not come back for a while. I want a break. To just drive away as far as possible and find peace. I can't do that here. Find peace. Breath. Clear my mind. Think.
Feb 20
I think that's how I got back into the habit of being nice. I think way back when I wanted to see what would happen if I didn't do what was expected of me. That's what ppl expect from especially girls. Being all nice and polite and caring. yeah then I switched it up. Now I'm just a bitch. But I think that's why. Cuz I'm tired of people pleasing and going by the rules written for ppl on how to get by in life. No one knows shit. And I hate everything that's expected. Cuz that's some shit right there
Trust issues. Now I remember why it's so hard to get things out of my system. I can't just fully let go. something's always holding back that one ounce of detail. I've always wanted to be a well kept secret. To keep them guessing. It's better to be a mystery. But in the process. I've mixed that all up with trust. No wonder nothing ever gets anywhere and just stops. It stops at the point when each realize the full amount of trust isn't going to come. And after that. No one knows what to do. So it just stops. Trust. Needed in every relationship. No wonder why I can't be close with people.
Just when I forget why I really used to want to go out so much. I get a reminder. I really just can't stand spending my valuable time stuck here. No memories get made here. everything is dreadful and forced upon. Recently it's just been, oh I need to get out the house just so I can hang out. I forgot it used to be the most necessary thing cuz it was the only way I could take a breather from trivial activities and monotonous fake enjoyment. Lets face it I can't truly be real with them. I don't talk to them unless I have to now. Lately it's basically say yes when they expect an answer to you. It's supposed to shut them up faster cuz if they just let out whatever they need to say all in one sitting, it's usually less time wasted for me. but apparently that hasn't been working cuz they just keep lecturing and lecturing. I mean I can only pay attention for so long. And you can only make sense for so long. By me being more restricted it doesn't have any effect or benefit anyone's health. For my health, I'm just tryna make memories and enjoy every moment. But that doesn't happen with you guys in the picture. it just doesn't work out that way.
I get it actually no I don't but why would you insist I'm making all these bad decisions. No crime has been commuted so calm ur ass down. It's basically like ur foreshadowing something to happen. First of all. I've done nothing wrong under ur rules. Don't dishonor the family. Don't be an embarrassment. Don't bring shame. I didnt do shit. Yeah it's an idea. Did It follow thru. No. So quit bugging. And quit bringing up things from the past damn it's not even like that anymore. Actually now that u brought it back up I kinda think its a good idea again. exploring by urself. I think that's the best way to clear ur mind and learn a few things. Not ur way of being locked up following the steps of society.
Idgaf. I don't. I can't. It's kinda sad that I can't. I'm kinda heartless like that. But I don't kno. It's just been my mindset. In the end no one gives a fuck. Think about it. It's every man for themselves. It always has been like that always will. So why show an once of concern now. Waste.
Feb 15
I hate it when people think too
Much of other ppls opinions. And let it constrain them and force it apon other ppl to maintain a certain standard. Fuck it.
Sometimes I just feel lik disappearing off to some remote place far away from anything that could possible piss me off. Taking a long drive off the face of the earth. Coming back to everything peaceful. So I can just take a breather. N not have to agree or disagree with anything. Trivial. It's all trivial. Idkk wtf is relevant in life but whatever
I hate how the only thing I feel is anger. N the only way I can think of releasing it is by going out into the quietest time of the night and just smokin. N I hate how I always wonder why I don't have my own stuff. But then. Id be screwed.
I'm so fucked up mentally physically in the head and everywhere else too
