private eyes; closed
942903
“떠나지말라 널 붙잡고 싶어—”
110% into everything he does. Though it’s unlikely that EXO is going to perform Promise anywhere anytime soon, he’s been practicing his lines for the past hour or so, cloistered up in the studio by himself. First it was El Dorado, then Call Me Baby, before moving onto Promise. It has to be perfect, with the correct timing, the correct lyrics, the correct emotion. Emotion. Chanyeol practices that especially, shouting the lines over and over again into the pen he’s used as a makeshift microphone until his voice verges on losing itself. EXO-Ls were disappointed in him just a few days ago because of the lack of energy and emotion he put into a performance, and in return he was disappointed in himself ten—one hundred fold more than the fans could ever be. It was a simple mistake, but what does it matters when all Chanyeol can read about him are the comments, the posts, the tweets talking about how little effort he puts into his performances? Praise and favoritism he’s worked too damn hard for slipped from his fingers for an ephemeral moment, and Chanyeol swore on his life to never let it happen again.
“고마워, 미안해, 사랑해…”
Finally, the tears flow free down his face, as he finishes his rap for the 10th time. Chanyeol forces himself not to sob, but a choked cry manages to escape. It’s difficult trying to distinguish his feelings: was he crying out of sadness? Chagrin? Stress? Whichever one it was didn’t matter in the end, they inevitably all led to feelings of melancholy. It always engulfed his entire body until he cried himself to sleep or bottled them up into the deepest parts of himself that even he doesn’t attempt to touch. He wipes away hot tears, slumping against the couch with a frustrated sigh. Tired. Displeased. It’s not good enough, will it ever be good enough? Will he ever be good enough? Chanyeol manages a laugh, it’s bitter and jaded, thankful that no one was unlucky enough to see him like this. Puffy eyes, blotchy cheeks, snot rolling down his chin, he knows that he’s disgusting when he cries or perhaps, all the time.
