Act 2, Scene 5
SCENE V. OLIVIA's garden.
Enter SIR TOBY BELCH, SIR ANDREW, and FABIAN
D.N.: This is what we call the Box Tree scene. As we agreed, our box tree is a big fake hedge. Remember, it's a big box behind a block of styrofoam with fake grass glued on the front, with a concealed hole in the middle of the styrofoam. Feferi, you're going to place it on your own. Make sure the box doesn't stick out. Bring it from stage left and put it just right of center. Think of dividing the stage into thirds, and put the hedge on the stage-right third line, with about four feet for the actors to move in front of it. When it's placed, go right, not left. John, Dirk, Jade, wander in from stage right, in front of Equius and Nepeta. You have a monopoly on the front part of the right wing. Wander center, John striding farther ahead than the others. Jane, race to catch up. You should end up in a little triangle, with Dirk stage-right, Jade slightly upstage, and John stage-left.
SIR TOBY BELCH
come thy ways, signior fabian.
FABIAN
Nay, I'll come: if I lose a scruple of this sport, let me be boiled to death with melancholy.
SIR TOBY BELCH
wouldst thou not be glad to have the --- rascally sheep-biter come by some notable shame?
FABIAN
I would exult, man: you know, he brought me out o' favour with my lady about a bear-baiting here.
SIR TOBY BELCH
to anger him we'll have the bear again; and we will fool him black and blue: shall we not, sir andrew?
SIR ANDREW
An we do not, it is pity of our lives.
SIR TOBY BELCH
here comes the little villain.
(Enter MARIA)
D.N.: Rose, come from stage left. Hold the letter as clearly as you can in your left hand. Look at the hedge behind John and the others. John, hail her.
how now, my metal of india!
MARIA
Get ye all three into the box-tree: Malvolio's coming down this walk: he has been yonder i' the sun practising behavior to his own shadow this half hour: observe him, for the love of mockery; for I know this letter will make a contemplative idiot of him. Close, in the name of jesting! Lie thou there,
(Throws down a letter)
for here comes the trout that must be caught with tickling.
Exit
DN: Rose, leave stage left, but FAR upstage. Get as close to the backdrop as you can, and scurry! Notice Eridan coming onstage if you can, and giggle a little. If you forget, it's okay. Jade, scramble behind the hedge. Dirk, duck behind as efficiently as you can. John, take a dive. You have Eridan's speech time to arrange yourselves so that Jade is on the right, John in the middle, and Dirk on the left, stage-wise.
Enter MALVOLIO
DN: From stage left, far downstage. DO NOT ACKNOWLEDGE ROSE. Just move straight for centerstage.
MALVOLIO
tis but fortune; all is fortune. maria once told me she did affect me and i havve heard herself come thus near that should she fancy it should be one of my complexion. besides she uses me wwith a more exalted respect than any one else that followws her. wwhat should i think ont?
DN: And now, it is time to party. Eridan, every time someone speaks, pose. Right now, do the "fingers on chin contemplating and trying to look pretty" pose. John, pop out from behind the hedge.
SIR TOBY BELCH
here's an overweening rogue!
DN: Jade, pop out and put your hand on his shoulder and pretend to drag him down.
FABIAN
O, peace! Contemplation makes a rare turkey-cock of him: how he jets under his advanced plumes!
DN: Dirk, pop out from behind the hedge, but taller than John.
SIR ANDREW
'Slight, I could so beat the rogue!
DN: John, put your hand on Dirk's shoulder and pretend to drag him down.
SIR TOBY BELCH
peace, i say.
DN: Everyone pop down! Eridan, take one step stage right and pose again!
MALVOLIO
to be count malvvolio!
DN: John, pop up!
SIR TOBY BELCH
Ah, rogue!
DN: Dirk, pop up!
SIR ANDREW
Pistol him, pistol him.
DN: John, put your hand on top of Dirk's head.
SIR TOBY BELCH
peace, peace!
DN: John and Dirk, pop down. Eridan, continue to pose and contemplate.
MALVOLIO
there is example for't; the lady of the strachy married the yeoman of the wwardrobe
DN: Party time over. Dirk, pop up.
SIR ANDREW
Fie on him, Jezebel!
DN: Jade, pop up.
FABIAN
O, peace! now he's deeply in: look how imagination blows him.
MALVOLIO
havving been three months married to her sitting in my state--
DN: John, pop up! NO ONE GO BACK DOWN. Eridan, ignore them and continue to strut around and pose.
SIR TOBY BELCH
o, for a stone-bow, to hit him in the eye!
MALVOLIO
calling my officers about me in my branched vvelvvet gowwn; having come from a daybed wwhere i have left olivvia sleeping--
DN: Jade, every time you say "peace," put your hand just over John's mouth. Don't actually touch him. John, every time she's done with her line, take her wrist and push her arm down. Eridan, continue to strut around.
SIR TOBY BELCH
fire and brimstone!
FABIAN
O, peace, peace!
MALVOLIO
and then to havve the humor of state and after a demure travvel of regard telling them i knoww my place as i wwould they should do theirs to for my kinsman toby--
SIR TOBY BELCH
bolts and shackles!
FABIAN
O peace, peace, peace! now, now.
MALVOLIO
sevven of my people wwith an obedient start make out for him: i frowwn the wwhile and perchance wwind up wwatch or play wwith my--some rich jewwel. toby approaches courtesies there to me--
SIR TOBY BELCH
shall this fellow live?
FABIAN
Though our silence be drawn from us with cars, yet peace.
MALVOLIO
i extend my hand to him thus quenching my familiar smile wwith an austere regard of control--
DN: John, punch through the hole in the hedge for your line. Try not to pull the fake grass through to your side, but make sure the audience can see your hand.
SIR TOBY BELCH
and does not toby take you a blow o' the lips then?
MALVOLIO
saying 'cousin toby my fortunes havving cast me on your niece givve me this prerogativve of speech'--
SIR TOBY BELCH
what, what?
MALVOLIO
'you must amend your drunkenness'
DN: John, jump to your feet!
SIR TOBY BELCH
out, scab!
DN: Jade, wrestle him back down. Deliver your line loud!
FABIAN
Nay, patience, or we break the sinews of our plot.
MALVOLIO
'besides you wwaste the treasure of your time wwith a foolish knight'--
DN: Dirk, you've been up this entire time. Point at yourself comically.
SIR ANDREW
That's me, I warrant you.
MALVOLIO
'one sir andreww'--
SIR ANDREW
I knew 'twas I; for many do call me fool.
MALVOLIO
wwhat employment havve wwe here?
(Taking up the letter)
DN: You should now be dead center-stage.
FABIAN
Now is the woodcock near the gin.
SIR TOBY BELCH
o, peace! and the spirit of humour intimate reading aloud to him!
MALVOLIO
by my life this is my ladys hand these be her vvery c's her u's and her t's and thus makes she her great p's. it is in contempt of question her hand
SIR ANDREW
Her C's, her U's and her T's: why that?
MALVOLIO
[Reads] 'to the unknowwn belovved this and my good wwishes:'--her vvery phrases! by your leavve wwax. soft! and the impressure her lucrece wwith wwhich she uses to seal: tis my lady. to wwhom should this be?
FABIAN
This wins him, liver and all.
MALVOLIO
[Reads] jove knowws i love: but wwho? lips do not movve; no man must knoww 'no man must knoww' wwhat followws? the numbers altered! 'no man must knoww:' if this should be thee malvvolio?
SIR TOBY BELCH
marry, hang thee, brock!
MALVOLIO
[Reads] i may command wwhere i adore; but silence like a lucrece knife wwith bloodless stroke my heart doth gore: m, o, a, i, doth swway my life
FABIAN
A fustian riddle!
SIR TOBY BELCH
excellent wench, say i.
MALVOLIO
'm, o, a, i, doth swway my life' nay but first let me see let me see let me see
FABIAN
What dish o' poison has she dressed him!
SIR TOBY BELCH
and with what wing the staniel cheques at it!
MALVOLIO
'i may command wwhere i adore' wwhy she may command me: i servve her she is my lady. wwhy this is evvident to any formal capacity there is no obstruction in this and the end -- wwhat should that alphabetical position portend? if i could make that resemble something in me -- softly m, o, a, i,--
SIR TOBY BELCH
O, ay, make up that: he is now at a cold scent.
FABIAN
Sowter will cry upon't for all this, though it be as rank as a fox.
MALVOLIO
m--malvvolio; m--wwhy that begins my name
FABIAN
Did not I say he would work it out? the cur is excellent at faults.
MALVOLIO
m--but then there is no consonancy in the sequel that suffers under probation a should followw but o does
FABIAN
And O shall end, I hope.
DN: John, punch through the hedge again for your line.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Ay, or I'll cudgel him, and make him cry O!
MALVOLIO
and then i comes behind
FABIAN
Ay, an you had any eye behind you, you might see more detraction at your heels than fortunes before you.
MALVOLIO
m o a i; this simulation is not as the former and yet to crush this a little it wwould boww to me for evvery one of these letters are in my name. soft here followws prose
(reads)
'if this fall into thy hand revvolvve. in my stars i am abovve thee but be not afraid of greatness: some are born great some achievve greatness and some havve greatness thrust upon em. thy fates open their hands; let thy blood and spirit embrace them and to inure thyself to wwhat thou art like to be cast thy humble slough and appear fresh. be opposite wwith a kinsman surly wwith servvants let thy tongue tang arguments of state put thyself into the trick of singularity: she thus advvises thee that sighs for thee. remember wwho commended thy yelloww stockings and wwished to see thee evver cross-gartered i say remember. go to thou art made if thou desirest to be so; if not, let me see thee a stewward still the felloww of servvants and not wworthy to touch fortune's fingers. farewwell she that wwould alter servvices wwith thee the fortunate-unhappy' daylight and champaign discovvers not more: this is open. i wwill be proud i wwill read politic authors i wwill baffle sir toby i wwill wwash off gross acquaintance i wwill be point-devvise the vvery man. i do not noww fool myself to let imagination jade me for evvery reason excites to this that my lady lovves me. she did commend my yelloww stockings of late she did praise my leg being cross-gartered and in this she manifests herself to my lovve and wwith a kind of injunction drivves me to these habits of her liking. i thank my stars i am happy. i wwill be strange stout in yelloww stockings and cross-gartered evven wwith the swwiftness of putting on. jovve and my stars be praised! here is yet a postscript
(reads)
'thou canst not choose but knoww wwho i am. if thou entertainest my lovve let it appear in thy smiling; thy smiles become thee wwell; therefore in my presence still smile dear my swweet i prithee' jovve i thank thee i wwill smile i wwill do evverything that thou wwilt havve me
(exit)
DN: Stage left, far downstage. CLUTCH THE LETTER. The SECOND Eridan gets offstage, the three of you break into hysterical laughter. Just, falling over yourselves, spilling out from behind the hedge, complete collapse. All I ask is that no one tip the hedge over again. That was very scary for both myself and our student directors. Do you remember how long it took to get the dust out of the grass? When you finish laughing, stand up and reform your triangle from earlier.
FABIAN
I will not give my part of this sport for a pension of thousands to be paid from the Sophy.
SIR TOBY BELCH
i could marry this wench for this device.
SIR ANDREW
So could I too.
SIR TOBY BELCH
and ask no other dowry with her but such another jest.
SIR ANDREW
Nor I neither.
FABIAN
Here comes my noble gull-catcher.
Re-enter MARIA
DN: From stage left, upstage. Break the triangle and walk over to Rose, John right before her and Dirk a step behind.
SIR TOBY BELCH
wilt thou set thy foot o' my neck?
SIR ANDREW
Or o' mine either?
DN: Boys, kneel.
SIR TOBY BELCH
shall i play my freedom at traytrip, and become thy bond-slave?
SIR ANDREW
I' faith, or I either?
SIR TOBY BELCH
why, thou hast put him in such a dream, that when the image of it leaves him he must run mad.
MARIA
Nay, but say true; does it work upon him?
SIR TOBY BELCH
like aqua-vitae with a midwife.
MARIA
If you will then see the fruits of the sport, mark his first approach before my lady: he will come to her in yellow stockings, and 'tis a colour she abhors, and cross-gartered, a fashion she detests; and he will smile upon her, which will now be so unsuitable to her disposition, being addicted to a melancholy as she is, that it cannot but turn him into a notable contempt. If you will see it, follow me.
SIR TOBY BELCH
to the gates of tartar, thou most excellent devil of wit!
SIR ANDREW
I'll make one too.
Exeunt
DN: Only now do you boys get to stand up. Follow Rose stage left, downstage. Feferi, run back on from right and grab the tree, and haul it off stage right.