Just a post about how I translate, a mini “making-of” post. If you want to know what goes through my head and why I make some decisions, I use one of my (in my mind) best lines to show this.
Hi so if you guys are familiar with my Zahra Travelogue story, there is a line that Mika says in Part 8.
このような、まだまだ未塾な私ですが、もっと成長して誰に文句をいわれないくら派手な従者になってみせます。
1. Consider the set up: Scene, character voice, context.
Scene: In this event, the main plot is Mika feels incompetent as a servant. It seems the other people in the royal palace do not think he is worthy to be by Tangerine’s side. Mika decides to just run away without telling anyone. It is not until Guy talks with him, that Mika returns to apologise to Tangerine for worrying him.
Character voice: Mika speaks incredibly formally. Even amongst close friends, his tone is always formal, even if he does not use full keigo.
Context: Mika is apologising to Tangerine, his master. His words are from his heart, however he still keeps a formal speaking pattern. This is the climax of this story, so this scene is filled with emotions.
Overall: Mika’s tone is very formal and sincere, he is speaking from his heart. His words should make the reader want to cry because this is the first time we have ever seen Mika let himself be vulnerable. The words must flow like a river, Mika is very well spoken after all.
2. Translate the words as they are.
このような、まだまだ未塾な私ですが、もっと成長して誰に文句をいわれないくら派手な従者になってみせます。
With my previous actions, I am still very very inexperienced, but I will work harder and show you that I will become a servant so showy that no one will complain about me.
Things to look for: This is just a giant run-on sentence, which does not read well. I also look for words that sound awkward or do not carry the same meaning when directly translated. “いわれないくらい (to the point where people do not say), “派手 (showy)”, and “まだまだ (still still)”.
Also, Mika is very well spoken, so I need to make sure the translation sounds formal, proper, and most of all, contains no colloquialisms or casual phrases (aka. read like a formal decree or announcement).
3. Change the words to flow better in English.
This is probably the hardest part. So I have already decided I am going to break up the sentence and because of Mika’s speaking pattern I think it would be alright if I reworded the whole thing as long as the overall meaning stays the same.
Mika’s main points are:
> I ran away because of my own incompetence
> I will work hard
> I will become a servant so good, others around me won’t criticize me
> If you forgive me, you will not regret it. I will earn my keep.
With these points in mind, I pretend I am Mika and speak as if I am performing in a play. I guess it helps to have roleplaying experience, but if you have ever watched movies or tv shows, there are many monologues with this type of feeling.
What I got just from “roleplaying” Mika in this moment (this is what I said to myself out loud):
"I understand that my actions have only shown my inexperience. On my honour, I will work harder with more enthusiasm to become a proud servant by your side. A servant so grand that not a single person will question my worthiness in my position.”
4. Put everything together, read it outloud. Ask for a second opinion!
Since this line is like... climactic in the story, I actually consulted my fiance for his opinion. He does speak Japanese, but he reads a lot more books than me. Of course I don’t do this with every line, but this is the key line of the story so I wanted to make sure I got it right.
My tip! -> If I am stuck on a line or a scene just doesn’t “sound” right, I like to talk to someone else about it. Also, I will sometimes read the story in Chinese or talk about it in Chinese to get a new perspective.
I understand that my actions have only shown my inexperience. Upon my honour, I will do my utmost to be able to serve you with pride and enthusiasm and become a retainer so capable that no one will ever be able to question my place at your side.
And that is how I do it! I go through each of these steps for every line I translate. The process seems long when I type it out like this, but in reality it is usually pretty fast. I spent a LOT of time on this line, so I wanted to share it with you guys. Thanks for reading till the end of this long post.
