I've had some bits of this story on my mind for some time, but didn't know hot to write it down until recently, so I thought it'd be a good idea to post it during @aggressivelyarospec's Aggressively Arospectacular Week. I hope you're ready for some toxic friendships, yay! [Text dividers by @aroworlds]
The Story So Far
December 21.
I've been texting a lot with Anna recently. It reminds of those days back in college when we would stay up late just talking. It's weird, though. I think I'm not longer used to hearing from her that much, it was not long ago that I would only get a random text a week from her. But I humor her. We're still friends, at least their definition of friendship. I gave up on mine long time ago.
She's had another breakup. I never met the guy, but I remember they've been dating for 2 years or so. It looks like he wasn't nice, it was an ugly breakup and she spends much of the conversations talking about him.
We talk for hours, catching up, and I try to listen, to understand, but that little voice inside my head keeps saying the only reason she's reaching out now is because she's alone again. Somehow she saying I'm her true soulmate only confirms it for me.
"She doesn't have any other options," the little voice says. "This is her last resource, she doesn't have anyone left."
But I don't say any of this. We made plans to go out next weekend.
January 6.
I'm still thinking about the weekend with Anna.
I hadn't seen her in so long that walking towards her at the mall's entrance felt like meeting her for the very first time. Not much had changed, really, but I no longer knew how to be myself around her. What an odd thing to say about the person that used to be my closest friend.
I accommodated pretty quickly —proof enough that my body remembers way better than my head— and soon things felt like no time had passed. After a couple of hours just walking around, laughing together, she talked about her ex-boyfriend again.
They met thanks to a mutual friend that works at Anna's office, a story I already knew but pretended not to for her sake. They broke up because he cheated.
She talked about some of their dates, about the life they'd planned together, the things they wanted to do. She mentioned, casually, we could do some of those together. "I really want to go camping. It's such a lovely plan to let it go to waste because of him," she said, overexcited, like she was already over the entire thing.
I smiled politely and diverted the conversation to avoid giving a straight answer. It wasn't until I got home that something occurred to me: she's not choosing me, she's rejecting loneliness. This seems the easiest way to get it because I could never abandon her for a romantic partner.
I hate camping. I have absolutely no desire to go camping with her.
May 10.
Anna's trying dating again and it's not going well. The dating pool is in shambles, apparently. The last guy she went out with stopped texting her a week ago and that's probably the only reason we're still regularly hanging out. I'm not so confident it's gonna last, so it still takes me by surprise every time she wants to go somewhere. She doesn't particularly like that I don't really wait for her if I want to do something for myself. Force of habit, I guess.
I'm still in the process of accommodating someone else in my plans. Or rather remembering there's another option available that isn't "do it alone". That too it's not going well. We met up today for lunch and I told her about the concert I went to yesterday. "I could've gone with you", she said. Yeah, she could've... but she doesn't understand that once you leave behind any reservations you might have about being on your own there's no coming back. It's something we both need to work on.
I'm fine being on my own. I've learned to be on my own after getting ditched for every new relationship and I'd rather be alone than being with someone that thinks of me as a substitute for whatever thing they couldn't accomplish.
I don't think this is gonna work.
July 12.
Anna wants us to live together and I diverted attention with a joke.
The list of things that could go wrong if we were to do that is truly endless and I was a little bit more curious about what had brought all this up anyway. We never talked about that before, not even when we saw each other almost daily. To no one's surprise, I got my answer pretty quickly: Anna's giving up on dating again.
I'd forgotten how draining it could be to listen to those stories as often as I do now, but I try anyway, it's important to her. Maybe the stories will stop now that she's focusing on something else. I just wish I wasn't that something else.
She talked about us being soulmates again and I grimaced, hopefully without her noticing, but it only got worse when she complained she couldn't find someone like me in the men she dates. I'm still trying to figure out why that bothered me.
I need her to go back to be casual friends and stop the whole found family/soulmates shtick or I'm going to lose my mind. I'm not sure how to tell her that without hurting her feelings. I know she doesn't do it maliciously, it's just that I don't believe her anymore.
October 4.
Anna keeps talking about building a life together and I'm done with it.
She's still trying to find a boyfriend, going on dates with men she meets in random places or dating apps, but none of them seem to be enough. "That's because you're my one true love", she said after one of our conversations, which would've been flattering if it hadn't come ten years too late.
Back then, we were inseparable. There were very few thing we wouldn't do together and we were each other's priority, above other friends and relationships. Some people thought we were together, and maybe we were, not like everyone else thought, but certainly in a way that was special and unique to us.
But we're not those people anymore.
I can't help but to feel this right now is a mimicry of who we used to be back in college, before life happened and she focused all her attention on romantic relationships that were beginning to become very serious and real. The ones people come to expect once you turn a certain age.
It's funny that 10 years ago I would've been game for building a life with her, no questions asked. I guess I, for once, can be very grateful for being so paranoid or an over-thinker. Now I know that wouldn't have lasted. Nor will it this time.
November 19.
I haven't seen Anna in a little over a month.
We're still texting, but I'm rejecting all the plans she makes for us. No more movie dates, no more shared lunches. I'm sure she's not happy about it, she's made me aware of it in her not so subtle way, but I just say I'm busy.
I almost wish she finds a boyfriend, so we can go back to who we were before all this started. Am I wrong? It feels stupid to run away from all this when it was something I had even dreamed about when I was younger, it's just that I don't think it should happen like this.
Is this the only type of friendship I'm destined to? The one that only becomes relevant when all the other options don't work out? The one that's a placeholder until something better comes along? Am I being too demanding? Too particular? Maybe it really is the only thing I can aspire to, and I'm letting it slip away…
I'm not sure I'm doing the right thing, but right now it's the one thing that feels safer.
so i'm not the best artist but i worked for a long time on these and i'm happy with how they turned out and i love these rad folks so much meme team forever! // @applehsia @yamgrove @acnlvevo @nookish @sayabeans-crossing @lostmitten @redbeanjean @ajolis //
