☆ general, and also how he Truly felt about the prank battle and kabedon
“…Heh. I gotta wonder, do I still have the right to feel fond about all that? I…probably not. Sorry.”
From the very start of the game, from well before that, Yuji had never understood Ryan. He was fond in a kind of panicking way–a classmate who’d play pranks on him, and who’s motivations were never clear but had a large enough reputation preceding them that they were likely too weighted down to try anything. It played hell on his paranoia, but in a way acted as a kind of exposure therapy no matter how loudly he had Piney shriek and flail. Their absence after the disaster was felt surprisingly strongly, for someone Yuji didn’t realize he’d been as close to as he had been.
The reintroduction of that kind of play in his life was like breathing again. The kabedons, prank battles…he was frankly a little surprised that he got so little of it as Piney and so much of it as Yuji, but in a Mastermind-analyze kind of way he wasn’t sure why he was shocked. Ryan and their reactions to the new had always pointed to this kind of thing, after all. And Yuji was fresh meat, as far as Ryan knew.
At the point while he was still thinking this Mastermind business was a good and altruistic idea, he found the chance to finally see what Ryan was made of kind of fascinating. Less so from a ‘scientist’ point of view–he’d never really been one–but as someone who’d always been so nervous about the unspoken angles of Ryan Roe, finding out why they did what they did would if nothing else give him peace of mind whenever they shot off to do something unexpected.
And then…everything fell down around his ears. He realized that no therapy or support system that had been promised was waiting for them, and that he’d dragged his dearest friends into an endless mind-breaking murder game.
Ryan was the first person he initially suspected to kill him after this was all over. He fully expects SOMEONE to do it, but figuring out who and if he’d have a line would be the question. As time went on he honed in on other people for more viable candidates for people who’d slit his throat post game, but by that point he was already realizing something far worse; that, through seeing them interact with people they better got along with, Yuji was beginning to see the kind of toll this was going to immediately take on them.
Being part responsible for shutting Ryan down after they’d finally started finding roots to plant is going to be something that haunts Yuji for the rest of his life. For all the good they’d done, regardless of motivation or pragmatism, Yuji has everything to owe them. Ryan kept him light if not laughing during some of the deepest slumps Yuji’d had, and indirectly kept him fighting for a way out.
He doubts Ryan will see their relation as rosily as Yuji does, but Ryan’s been light in a place that desperately needed it. To this end, he owes them a debt that can never be repaid and will always be treasured for however much longer Yuji has to live.
