i hate myself

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i hate myself
Part II
My heart grows so heavy and I open my eyes and roll over again. There’s nothing poetic about my pain. There’s nothing poetic about the swollen red eyes and veins that seem to reveal my state of sleep deprivation. There’s nothing poetic about sitting next to the window letting the breeze cover my arms and praying to the pale faded moon I find some hope and feeling again. A feeling that isn’t this. A feeling that does not compel me to destroy myself. But you. I could write about every single thing about you in the most poetic way. From the way your eyes hold a little hidden brown tone, to the way you make anybody feel at home. You were a poetry book I did not get to finish. You are the moon and the sun, and all the beautiful constellations. You hold the deepest and darkest mysteries and secrets. You keep everybody out, you don’t let people in. But you are bursting with beauty and magic nobody’s yet to understand. You are a soft love song sang with acoustic guitar. You are the moon shining the way on a dark night. You are the rain that falls without a single thought of not being wanted. You are the middle of the night, the calm, dark, celestial night. You are the peace. You are the resolution of life changing book. You are the steaming oversweetened tea on a windy day. I don’t remember you. I don’t remember you much at all. I couldn’t recall your everyday phrases and the way you’d brush your hair. But I remember how you made me feel. I remember every single bit of passion you’ve lit in me. I still remember how secure your arms felt. How I loved running my fingers through your unwashed short curly hair and messing it up as much as I possibly could. I remember how you’d stay up to watch me fall asleep. I remember the times you whispered I love you to me when you were convinced I was already dreaming. You know I never told you about all those times. All the times I fell in love with the small things you thought I didn’t notice. Whether it was the way you’d look at me, the way you’d stroke my arm, or the way you’d kiss my hand. But those were the most important moments. They were the ones that truly mattered. I’m rolling over again. I think I’m still in love with you. But it’s been three months. I should move on. I should be moving on by now. I shouldn’t be rolling over again. I shouldn’t be fighting the sledgehammer. I shouldn’t be trying to throw out the uninvited guests. I was just another girl to you. I was just. another girl.
About You.
read it on AO3 at https://ift.tt/5iVjXFN by Xem_x “You should smile more, Cas. Those are worth showing off.” “I..do not know how.” — Or; Dean decides to teach Castiel how to smile. Words: 1418, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English Fandoms: Supernatural (TV 2005) Rating: General Audiences Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply Categories: M/M Characters: Castiel (Supernatural), Dean Winchester, others - Character Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Castiel & Dean Winchester Additional Tags: can be read as platonic, Hurt/Comfort, Canonical Character Death, Season/Series 15 Spoilers, Episode: s15e18 Despair - Castiel's Confession Scene (Supernatural), Castiel Learns to be Human (Supernatural), Dean Winchester Teaches Castiel to be Human, Short One Shot, They are so soft leave me alone and let me grieve holy freak read it on AO3 at https://ift.tt/5iVjXFN
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