Feeling aimless, lost, and unmotivated.
I don't study.
I never really have. I got through junior high just fine without it. I even managed to get through high school, although not doing homework and not studying material started to make my performance slip.
Then, I spent a while at Kansas State University. I was pursuing a BS in computer science. I still didn't study, and I sorely needed it. I transferred when I got put on academic warning. Instead, I got an AAS in Animation from Johnson County Community College (don't let the name fool you - it's better than the art programs at some universities).
Finally, after never really starting a "career," I am back in school! I'm studying Neuroscience at the University of Kansas. I love it - the faculty are amazing, the frontiers of the mind are fascinating, and learning about psychology and neuroscience is fulfilling.
And yet, I still do not study.
I've done some internal exploration and I think I've found an important facet of accomplishment that I'm missing. A key element that provides intrinsic motivation, that makes things worth doing for means other than bare survival or overstimulating entertainment.
Pride.
With ADHD, our reward circuitry works differently than neurotypical brains. If something is not immediately rewarding, it takes far more intentional energy to be able to "suck it up" and do the thing anyway. A lot of the time, this is accompanied by shame and guilt for not being "good enough," or we just don't have enough energy to do it in the first place (which also leads to guilt and shame).
We are emotionally sensitive people. Our emotional cues are strong, and they influence our behaviors significantly. We can understand that we 1) like doing a task or are fulfilled by a task, 2) need to do a task, 3) are available to do the task, (etc., etc., etc.), but we can still be swayed to avoid the task anyway.
Why? Because doing the thing is actually, tangibly painful.
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