Next step
It is time to take stock. And in a way, I fear it. If I want change, it is time to accept what is. How do I do this? I sit down quietly, with a nice cup of coffee or tea. It is a sort of variation on meditating for me. I try to be as neutral as possible, no evaluation, no judgment, no emotions - just the bare facts. What I feel in my body, where my thoughts lead me - it is ok. Goal is to get clarity and acceptance. The idea behind my process is that for change (the ones I want to make), I need to know and accept what is.
The wonderful thing is, that if I get it, quite often this triggers something which makes change a natural course of action. It sort of feels as if the Universe was waiting for me to understand, so the next step can be made.
But sometimes the process feels somewhat different. Then the next step is not a natural change, but a choice to be made by me. And that can be hard. Quite often it is a choice between head or heart? Being bold or cautious? Being straightforward or diplomatic? Guts or chicken?
And I’m in this process right now. I know I’m in a situation that will probably do me no good in the end. Do I end it now, or will I let it wither away? To end it now, I will need to step up. If I choose the other option, it will cost me energy. I dread choosing. I soothe myself by thinking I still have time, that knowing and understanding the situation is helping me to do or not do the best thing. I’m chicken, I know. Getting out of this situation now won’t be easy. It means I’ll have to be brutally honest about my feelings and expectations. And I expect disbelief, anger, denial. I’m not good at that kind of conversation.
The alternative is sitting it out, which will cost me irritation, frustration, and heaps of energy over a longer period of time. And the end result may very well be the same: loss of a friendship. Because that’s what I’m talking about.
On the other hand, what if it is a learning process on recognizing, letting go, patience, giving space? I know, I’m looking for excuses. It’s part of my process. The fact that I’m aware of the situation is already a huge step though! I’m one of those people who is always doing the majority of the work that needs to be done, while the other members of the team sit back and let me run around. And then take the credit while I’m exhausted and on the verge of a breakdown. I don’t want that anymore. I’m not clear though on how to change the situation. Looking for confrontation is not my style.
Maybe my next step should be asking for guidance. I still have time …
