Help.
I find that aspects of the signs of trauma feel like they should resonate within me, and there's a part within that feels like it wants to shake and vibrate, and resonate, but it can't and it doesn't.
And, at first glance, I cannot see where any abuse or trauma was. There was never anything explicitly harmful, whether in my family of origin or social experiences, and yet, when I reflect on med school and residency, on marriage and parenting, there are so many things that say dysregulated trauma, traumatized kidult, etc.
And there's the neurodivergent component, the American growing up abroad during the War on Terror component, the good grades because our family is smart component, the our family didn't have money so you don't ask for things or renege on opportunities or complain about your lot component, the we must maintain a degree of propriety because it's good and moral and we live on donations component, the it's not as bad as what my parents went through component...
Maybe there is plenty there to unpack, but it's so hard to see. On the surface, everything looks and looked normal and good. It's hard to find where to begin, to accept trauma as a reality. It's identity-warping and I didn't know how to begin
Because I'm Good. I've Always Been Good. I Don't Have Problems. I'm Always Acceptable And Worthy