4 Sure-Fire Ways to Survive a Horror Movie
We movie-viewers have a love-hate relationship with the horror genre. It seems to be so easy to discount a horror movie these days, with lame plots, unbelievable characters and recycled horror. I usually feel cheated by the time the lights come back up in my most recent experiences with this particular genre, more so than any other. Be it because the threat is tacky, or we’ve seen it done too often or the same way. Or the moments to manipulate your sense of fear don’t quite land or it is laughably blatant and poorly executed, there is always one factor, a small voice in the back of my mind yelling “THIS IS TOTALLY SURVIVABLE!” You don’t need to be a genius or an ex-Navy Seal to survive even the most terrifying horror plot. Just stick to some basic guidelines.
Who is always the first to go, hm? Is it the abysmally virtuous, chaste girl representing the symbol of everything good and right in this world, or the sinfully unrighteous, sex-crazed spawn of Ron Jeremy?
Welcome to you worst nightmare, fellas.
When you find yourself in your buddy’s 1990’s Volvo heading up to the family cabin for a weekend of seclusion, unknowingly accompanied by an axe masochist, allow your buddy in the back seat be the one making out with the Nepali foreign exchange student, clad in leather, smoking a cigarette and, sure, why not… littering. Because all chainsaw murderers hate the ecologically indifferent.
Give a hoot, don't pollute.
As a side note, be sure to stuff a bottle of cheap vodka in her purse so she’ll be guaranteed to take the drunken, reproachable low-road at every possible moment of character development. She will be your sure-fire way of escape. Because she’s wearing heels. And we all know how that ends up.
3. Believe Everything Your Child Tells You
It doesn’t matter if your house is pre-war, built on an Indian… sorry, Native-American burial ground or was once used as an atavistic sex dungeon. Your kids are evil spirit censors, plain and simple. Whether they’re telling you about their imaginary friend named Timmy or the lipstick-smeared panty goblin that hides in the toilet (I want to see that movie, Hollywood), that child does not merely have an overly active imagination. This kid has granted you a suspended warning before **** hits the fan, and it is time for you to either get spiritually harmonious quick, or move out before your walls start bleeding and some irate ghost with mutton-chops and a Pringles mustache jams you up the chimney chute like Augustus Gloop, all due to that flower you peed on in your backyard a few weeks ago.
This is the last straw!
If there is even the slightest chance of your children conversing with his headless rocking horse, it’s either time to break out the torches, or call Coldwell Banker.
2. Never Investigate
“I’m gonna’ go check it out”, or some variation of this line has to be the most infuriating, dimwitted death-sentence of a statement just short of “let’s split up”. It doesn’t matter if the electricity has been compromised, there are claw marks leading down into the basement or the stuffing has been pulled out of your favorite teddy bear leading straight into the closet. DON’T. INVESTIGATE. If you possess even the slightest rationalization for self-preservation, whatever is lurking behind that door, be it your infant child or some Lovecraftian Hell-beast, it is going to “get you”.
Cookiecookiecookiecookie
Call me a coward, but that baby can freaking wait until everything blows over, or it can blame itself for going into the basement in the first place. I’m not going in. You can if you want, and it was nice knowing you. I’ll get the A/C in the car started and pointing in the direction of "the-****-outta-here", and you can go investigate. If you’re not back in one minute, I’m the **** outta here. Your call, hero.
Good job. You heard your cue, made your way out, and now you’re home free. You can now inform the authorities of an eight foot-tall machete-bearing psychopath blaring down the street one limp at a time. You have survived! But be careful, and listen to the music. Is it cheerful and conclusive, or are you building up for a sequel?