Mar 24
what if I started screaming
#indigo is serious#my mother was for once being sympathetic and nice earlier because I couldn’t stop crying#and I was like okay great she’s going to be comforting today/this time#nope!!#my brain switched modes into firewall mode#where I can’t think about the thing but im sort of unsettlingly numb & I know im upset about it but I can’t cry or experience it#and I literally can’t think about the thing that’s upsetting me. like it doesn’t work. it’s like running into the cartoon invisible bouncy#wall that just throws you back#and she was like “well just grab the book and do it then”#didn’t acknowledge when I was saying how deeply unsettling & unpleasant this is or anything etc#just. yeah!#i feel physically sick when i think about just going and grabbing the papers#and vaguely like i want to cry#but in the physical not emotional way#and i KNOW that if i did get them i wouldn’t be able to do anything#I know this bc it’s happened before#I just stare at it and/or get blindingly frustrated and try not to shred it or throw shit and/or cry#sheeeee doesn’t care#also this is the first time in several days of me crying fairly regularly that she’s done ANYTHING that vaguely resembles comforting me or#acknowledging me crying#FUCK#i hate this