HERE WE ARE AGAIN. ONCE MORE. AFTER AN INCREDIBLE LENGTH OF SEPARATION BETWEEN YOuR DAMP. HuNGRY EYES. AND MY OH SO BEAuTIFuL WORDS.
WHAT COuLD HAVE HAPPENED? YOu WONDER INBETWEEN GIRLISH. uNMISTAKABLY OFFENDED SOBS. WHERE COuLD MY LORD AND uNQuESTIONED COMMANDER OF ALL THINGS WONDERFuL HAVE GONE?
I CAN ONLY IMAGINE THE PAINS YOu MuST HAVE GONE THROuGH. DESPERATELY TRYING TO IMAGINE WHAT I WAS uP TO.
IT MuST HAVE BEEN AGONY. TO HAVE YOuR NuMBER ONE COOL SOuRCE OF ENTERTAINMENT ROBBED OF YOu.
WELL. I HOPE YOu APPRECIATE THE FACT THAT I WAS uP TO A LOT OF COOL SHIT. IN FACT. I WAS uP TO ALL THE COOL SHIT! SO MuCH SO. THAT I RAN OuT OF SHIT TO DO. COOL OR OTHERWISE.
THERE’S NOTHING LEFT.
IT’S OVER.
YES. uNFORTuNATELY. WHILE YOu WERE BuSY NOT BEING ABLE TO SEE WHAT I WAS DOING. I WENT AHEAD AND DID IT ALL. AND NOW THE STORY’S OVER.
THAT’S WHAT YOu GET FOR NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO THINGS YOu COuLDN’T SEE.
AS A MATTER OF FACT. YES. SINCE I AM A MAGNANIMOuS AND KIND LORD. I WILL DO YOu ALL A SOLID. AND RECAP EVENTS IN THE WAY THAT YOu ARE ACCuSTOMED TO.
YOu’RE FuCKING WELCOME.
I WILL SuM uP THE TROLL QuEST. AND A LITTLE MORE AFTER THAT. THEN SOME OTHER DuMB PEOPLE WILL CONTINuE TELLING THE REST OF THE STORY. THEN I WILL RETuRN TO YOu. TO PuT YOuR SuSPENSE OuT OF YOuR MISERY FOR THE LAST TIME.
THEN WE’LL BE DONE HERE.
NOW. BEFORE WE BEGIN RESuMING THE RECAP OF EVENTS YOu HAVE YET TO SEE. I MuST GIVE YOu ALL FAIR CONTENT WARNING. THE REMAINDER OF MY WONDERFuL STORY IS FuLL OF TWISTS AND SuRPRISES AND ALL KINDS OF SHOCKING THINGS. BuT ABOVE ALL. IT IS A TRAGEDY.
WHAT I’M SAYING IS. PREPARE TO BE VERY SAD. AND CRYING. BY THE TIME THE STORY IS OVER.
SO LET’S BEGIN THE END.
FIRST: EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED FIRST.
THEN:
ENDING PART ONE: ACT 5: DuMB TROLL QuEST PART THREE.
WHEN I LAST LEFT YOu. I HAD uNINTENTIONALLY BLOCKED YOu FROM SEEING MY SISTER BEING DuMB BY CuTTING TO A SHITTY NOT-BLIND TROLL WHO IS *ESPECIALLY* DuMB.
YOu MAY REMEMBER THAT SHE DID A LOT OF HEINOuS. ALMOST COMMENDABLE. BuT QuITE CERTAINLY FORGETTABLE SHIT TO THE PEOPLE AROuND HER. SuCH AS TuRNING CRABCAKE INTO A TIN CAN. AND HAVING A SuPER COOL DRAGON TO BOSS EVERYONE AROUND.
I ADMIT IT WAS ALRIGHT I GuESS. BuT I’M NOT A FAN OF TEAL TROLLS. MY TASTE IS MORE SuITED TO BLuE BITCHES. AND THEIR FEISTY DICE ROLLS.
BuT. I ALMOST LIKED THE PARTS WHERE SHE HuRT HER FRIENDS AND KILLED A LOT OF TROLLS.
SEE. SHE WAS BuSY BOSSING HER DOOMED TROLL FRIENDS AROuND. BECAuSE JACK WAS PRIMED AND READY TO KILL THE FuCK OuT OF THEM!
(SPOILER WARNING. HE DOESN’T GET TO! IT FuCKING SuCKS.)
THIS ACE SLEuTH WORKED TO HuNT DOWN AND KILL HER LESS THAN LOYAL SuBORDINATES. LIKE THE RED RAM TROLL. WHOSE TIME MACHINATIONS NEARLY COST THE DRAGONTROLL HER VERY LIFE IN THEIR SESSION.
THE SEMIBLIND LEADER HAD HER LIST OF SuSPECTS. WHICH INCLuDED MOST OF EVERYONE ON THE METEOR. AND SHE WAS WILLING TO HuNT DOWN THE TRAITORS IN HER GROuP TO THE BITTER END! NOT SINGLE TROLL WOuLD BE FREE FROM HER FuRY.
(EXCEPT THE PuRPLE CLOWN. WHO WAS TOO HARMLESS TO HuRT *ANYONE* OF COuRSE.)
ON SHE WENT. FuCKING TROLLS uP AND GENERALLY BuLLYING EVERYONE. SHE WAS REALLY LOSING IT ON THAT METEOR!! SHE JuST KEPT GOING. EVEN THOuGH HER NAGGY SPIDER TROLL BFFSIE WOuLD *NOT* SHuT uuuuuuuuP ABOuT ANYTHING!
CAN YOu BELIEVE IT. THIS 8ITCH WAS TRYING TO STOP A PERFECTLY GOOD SET OF MuRDERS! OH SuRE. HER ATTEMPTS TO SWAY THE DRAGONTROLL MIGHT HAVE BEEN *POETIC* OR *POIGNANT* OR *A TRAGIC AND FuTILE EFFORT TO REDEEM HER FRIEND*. BuT AT THE END OF THE DAY. SHE WAS TRYING TO STOP TROLL MuRDERS. AND THAT’S JuST FuCKED uP.
FORTuNATELY SHE FAILS. AND BASICALLY EVERYONE DIES ANYWAY! EXCEPT MY JAuNTY CLOWN PAL. AND HIS OWN MIND CONTROLLED CHAINSAW FRIEND.
AND THE DRAGON TROLL I GuESS. BuT SHE DIES LATER ANYWAY.
IF BY LATER.
I MEAN IN THE FAR PAST?
SEE. THE TWIST COMES IN THAT ALL THE SHIT YOu JuST DIDN’T SEE. WAS ACTuALLY NOT A FLASHBACK! THE GREATEST uNREVEAL WOuLD HAVE BEEN WHEN THE uNBLINDED TROLL WAS SHOWN TO BE DEAD ALL ALONG! TRAIPSING AROuND HER OWN MEMORIES IN THE DREAM BuBBLES!
YOu WOuLD HAVE BEEN VERY SuRPRISED.
IT WOuLD HAVE GIVEN ME LOTS OF POPuLARITY NOTES.
THIS IS WHERE WE WOuLD HAVE BEEN REINTRODuCED FOR THE SECOND OR THIRD TIME TO THE SELFISH SPIDER BITCH WHO uNKINDLY HIDES AWAY HER SKuLL WITHIN THE HOLLOWS OF HER GREY MEATS.
IT TuRNS OuT. SHE WAS TRYING TO FIND THE BLIND TROLL THE WHOLE TIME. BECAuSE OF FRIENDSHIP. OR SENTIMENTALITY. OR COWARDICE.
OR MAYBE TO SHOW OFF HER SICK NEW BOAT!!!!!!!!
AFTER ESCAPING FROM MY FUTURE SELF’S PRISON SHIP. THE SPIDER8ITCH DREAMED uP AN IMITATION PIMPBOAT. AND WRANGLED uP A CREW OF DEAD TEENS. TO SAIL THE BuBBLES AND FIND A WAY TO STOP MY FuTuRE SELF. SOuND FAMILIAR? WELL IT SHOuLD.
BECAuSE SHE TOTALLY STOLE THE IDEA FROM ME!!!!!
I WAS THE ONE WITH THE GOLDEN BRO BOAT. AND I WAS THE ONE SAILING THE MuLTIVERSE SEAS. AND STEALING uP DEAD SPIDER TEENS. AND KILLING A BuNCH OF TIMELINES! AND SHE.
FuCKING.
G8NKED.
MY.
STYLE! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
HOW FuCKING RuDE. RIGHT? BuT IT’S OK. BECAuSE IN THE FuTuREPAST I’LL GET HER BACK.
THE GANG OF GIGGLING GIRLS KEEP uP THEIR LITTLE SLEEPOVER OF DRAMA. AND IT’S A LOT OF BORING CHARACTER BuILDING BuLLSHIT uNTIL THE BLAND OLDER SPIDER CHICK STARTS TALKING ABOUT THE BEST THING EVER: ME!
EVEN THOuGH SOME OF IT IS TECHNICALLY TRuE SLANDER ABOuT HOW I MESSED uP.
IT TuRNS OuT WHEN I THOuGHT I WAS BEING SuPER CLEVER AND AMAZING. BY TRICKING-SLASH-THREATENING JANuS INTO GIVNG ME THE SECRETS OF JuJu ECTOBIOLOGY. I WAS ACTuALLY THE ONE BEING DECIEVED ALL ALONG!!
IMAGINE IF YOu WILL. A HORRIBLE. HORRIBLE TIMELINE WHERE I HAD GOTTEN ALONG WITH MY SISTER. IF WE HAD. GAG. BARF. WORKED TOGETHER!! (uGH.) TO SOLVE THE PLANET’S QuESTS AND DO ALL THAT BORING SHIT WITH THE DuMB FROGS.
I GuESS IN THIS MADE uP SITuATION. WE WOuLD HAVE BEEN GIVEN THE JuJu FOR ECTOBIOLOGY ANYWAY?? AND THEN WE WOuLD HAVE BEEN *EVEN STRONGER* WHEN WE TEAMED uP AND BEAT THE DENIZEN TO DEATH. BECAuSE HIS LAME TEAMWORK DEATH BOON WOuLD HAVE uNLOCKED ALL KINDS OF CRAZY SHIT FOR uS.
BuT INSTEAD I LET STuPID DICKWORM GET THE ONE uP ON ME. IN TERMS OF PRANKSTERS GAMBITS. AND I WAS FOOLED INTO MAKING uS REGuLAR OMNIPOTENT AND PERFECT. INSTEAD OF THE WIN THE GAME BONuS PERFECTION.
NOT THAT I CARE. I LIKED MY WAY BETTER. BECAuSE IT INVOLVED ME CuTTING OuT MY EYE. AND STEALING THE BODY OF AN ALTERNATE uNIVERSE VERSION OF MY SISTER TO GET MuSCLES. IT WAS BADASS.
ALSO!! I GOT A BOAT!!! I BET THAT STuPID FuCKING GAME WOuLDN’T HAVE GIVEN ME A BOAT.
ANYWAY THAT THE SPIDER BITCH WAS CRAFTIER THAN I THOuGHT. AND HAD EVEN FOuND THE GHOST OF THE ALTERNATE uMBRA THAT I BODYJACKED.
YOu KNOW. THE ONE WHO WAS SuPPOSED TO BE uNIMPORTANT AND DEAD AND NEVER SHOW uP AGAIN IN MY STORY? YEAH. IT TuRNS OuT SHE WAS AcTuALLY STILL KICKING AROuND! AND BOY WAS SHE PISSED AND READY TO KICK MY ASS FOR SOME REASON!
IT’S NOT LIKE IT’S *MY* FAuLT SHE FELL FOR MY SNEAKY TRAP! SHE’S THE DuMB ONE! YOu JuST CAN’T WIN WITH WOMEN. CAN YOu.
BuT WOE AND BEHOLD. THIS RABBLE GROuP OF TEENAGE DEAD KIDS HAVE BANDED TOGETHER TO DETHRONE MY LORDLY ASS.
TOO BAD THEY’RE ALL DEAD AND I COuLD DOuBLE KILL THEM. SO THEIR PLAN WAS DOOMED FROM THE START!
IS WHAT I WOuLD SAY. IF THEY DIDN’T RuN INTO MY SISTER AND HER PRINCELY PAL. IN A SPECIAL. uTTERLY TERRIBLE. AND TRAGIC DREAMBuBBLE.
SPOILERS: THIS IS BAD NEWS FOR YOuR LORDLY HERO FOLKS.
