Yesterday I was feeling pretty defeated. What’s the point what’s the point what’s the point kept echoing around in my head.
Two of my former colleagues / teammates were contacted by a (widely despised) manager about doing some contract work. He viewed my LinkedIn profile but didn’t contact me. One former teammate is ironing out the details of contract for her employment. My former manager was poached as soon as the news came out about our redundancy. I’m truly happy for both of them, but my lizard brain can’t help but tell me I’m hopeless and a failure and incompetent and it’s all my fault for not networking or building stronger networks blah blah blah. And it almost feels like I’m doing double time on the job hunting because I’m helping the husband with his job search too, and proofreading his cover letters.
Then this headline popped up as a news alert on my phone:
What’s the point echoed louder and louder and louder around in my head.
And I guess I keep looking for the point because nihilism and existentialism intertwine and if I don’t things seem very dark and bleak; and the point is, but is not limited to:
Offering my hand to an elderly woman at the supermarket who was struggling to stand from sitting on a bench seat, her paper thin skin and her smile
F’s excitement about free dress day and his absolute love and gratitude for me and the husband and his unbridled enthusiasm for basketball
The verdant green of the weeds I pulled from the garden yesterday and the sweet smell of the soil
That the sun will continue to rise and set and the earth will keep spinning regardless of what humans do to it
My guinea pigs calling me for snacks the moment they hear me step outside
Making soup for sick friends, and the witchiness of picking herbs from the garden to help them heal
It’s all bad but it’s not all bad, and there is a point somewhere I just struggle to articulate it.