When people blame drugs and alcohol for all the shitty things they’ve done instead of accepting responsibility for their actions it’s really just a cop-out and a way to deflect accountability. That being said I wouldn’t have made the decisions that put me in prison if I wasn’t strung out and completely out of touch with reality. It was the choices I made while under the influence that ultimately led me to be where I am now. So while I am completely and utterly responsible for the shitty things I’ve done I wouldn’t have done them if I wasn’t loaded. It’s like Dr.Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde. My story isn’t unique, unfortunately. I suffer from a disease that millions of people struggle with globally. Some people think its a choice but for me it never was. I suffer from the disease of addiction.
I’ve been an addict practically my entire life. I first tried smoking weed when I was nine and by eleven I was a full-blown weed head. I was introduced to meth when I was twelve or thirteen and by that time I was willing to try anything to get a buzz. It wasn’t so much a desire to get high as it was a way to escape reality. I kept looking for something to change the way I felt and eventually that turned into obsession and compulsion. Before long I was getting high because getting high was all I really knew how to do. I had years of practice and not much practice in anything else. All the dreams and goals I might have had as a young kid faded away like dust in the wind.
The only true constant in my life is the obsession to use drugs or alcohol no matter what the cost. I’ve traded the most important parts of life, time, and time again for the chance to get high. I’ve put drugs and alcohol above everything else and at times I’ve felt completely powerless to change.
I’m in prison for getting in a high-speed chase on icy roads in a stolen Dodge pickup. I got three hit-and-runs before I crashed and then stole another truck to get away. I had the entire Richland police department chasing me as I eluded them like a bat out of hell. I was drunk and strung out on method and the only thought in my mind was doing whatever I had to do to get away. I look back now and think to myself how lucky I am that I didn’t kill someone or myself. I was caught the next day and charged with two stolen vehicles, three hit-and-runs, and a felony eluding. Those were the choices I made. I can’t blame those choices solely on drugs and alcohol because the fact is there are countless addicts suffering from the same disease as me and don’t make those kinds of irresponsible, irrational, reckless decisions.
Drugs and alcohol are only symptoms of deeper rooted problems in my life and even though being in prison sucks, I thank God for the opportunity to evaluate the behaviors that led me to do the things that put me here and try to get a grip on life and learn to live with more restraint. I’m not responsible for my disease but I am responsible for my actions and the steps I take to deal with my disease. For me, it all starts with accountability.
Mark Barnett #895605, Washington State
