A summary of things I’m in denial about: Part 2
2. ‘I’m a very impatient person’
It’s not completely true that I’m in denial about this one. I am very impatient in a lot of situations, but then I’ll have all the patience in the world in other situations. I know my impatience towards my friends and my partner is a problem and I think about possible things to help often, but I’m not a robot on the wrong setting, I’m an emotional human with issues.
I snap at my friends and partner. I don’t mean to, and they generally know that. I nearly always apologise or explain myself afterwards, sometimes sparking a debate on whatever issue set me off, if there is one. Sometimes I snap for no obvious reason – that person has irritated me simply by existing in my presence. Why? What did they do that I’m not over? Snapping at people can feel good sometimes, like being sarcastic to people that are antagonising me or my friends, but why am I doing it to people who haven’t necessarily done anything to deserve my wrath?
I do try and use my impatience for positive reasons occasionally: I try to talk through any issues I have with people at the earliest convenience. I refuse to have bad feelings fester and I get them sorted out a.s.a.p., or if my boss has made a mistake on my paperwork, I will correct them immediately and not take “I’ll sort it later” as an answer because I know I will be stood there again in a few days with the same issue and so starts the anxiety of feeling like I’m pestering or being annoying. Obviously, a good manager would take me seriously and fix the issue then and there for both mine and their sakes, but those are rare gems.
My impatience with myself is both negatively and positively (I suppose) impacting my mental and therefore physical state as well. Negatively, my mind is in constant battle with itself – my laziness (mentioned in part 1) vs my impatience:
“I don’t want to get up today.”
“Get out of bed now because you’re going to waste the whole day otherwise. Why haven’t you done anything yet?!”
It’s like watching parents fight. At least one of my parents may be directly involved with my level of impatience, but I’m not going there in this segment. Generally, this battle ends with me doing nothing all day, but then having a near breakdown with frustration later that night. I will often do something small that takes next to no effort to appease this never-ending battle of brain voices. We all know that it is too insignificant to count as “doing something” that day, but it’s often the most I can manage. “I got dressed today but didn’t go anywhere”. Yes, it’s something I did, and it felt good to be dressed, but no, it didn’t solve anything and it’s not a big enough achievement for me to celebrate.
My impatience can potentially be a positive thing for me because it can (very rarely) be the kick up the arse that sparks motivation. If I can shut myself up by going outside the front door, then when I’m at the front door, it’s easy to take a few steps forward and go for a short walk. Oh look, something interesting to look at! Isn’t the fresh air nice? Oops, it’s been 30 minutes. It was my impatience that got me to start this blog and I’ve already written more than my pessimistic mind thought I would. Take that, negative voice in my head!
To conclude, my impatience is predominantly a bad thing, and I am working on it, but if there are situations that the impulse to be impatient is too strong, then I should aim it at myself and constructively, not snap at others because they’re there. I am the one with this issue, not them.
