1. Hey Lucifer... I thought about what you said and tried to find common denominators. The first one, the anger, I can't let go. It is different because at first it dealt with me (He lied, testing me) and then I found out other things he did (I got out before he abused me. He abused and manipulated some of my friend, even made the one terrified of him). I can't let that one go. But with the grief and this pain... I did find something in common... Lack of talking. The death was actually
2. my grandfather. I could never talk to him because his second wife basically isolated him and I never got a chance to know him. I was there the night before he died and I still didn’t know him. All I knew was I wouldn’t get a birthday card from him. And that was something he literally kept doing even though his wife would never approve. I never knew or communicated with him. and I think the lack of communication makes it worse because I wanted to know him But I couldn’t. 3. With this it is being unable to communicate and being afraid that if I tried right now I would end up yelling more than anything. With this I knew the girl, but I can’t talk to her, to try and fix what we had or at least TRY and be friends. I don’t know if she is upset just as I am or if she moved on. I don’t know anything. And I am scared to try and talk to her because of her mother (the reason this all fell apart). I think lack of communication is why I can’t let go here. -Jamie
Hi Jamie,
you know what? I am proud of you. Finding that is a big step, the first one to do to learn to move on. And you've found the main issue: the lack of talking. And from that comes the anger. Keeping every feeling, every thing you want to say inside, never good. When we keep what we want to say inside, it's stay there and spread its dark roots in our soul, we think all the time about it and can't let go. What could be a solution? Getting this out. Not so easy, I know, I know. But you can do this! I think that a good option for you, since the talk is hard, would be to write. Write what you thought about this guy that manipulated everyone around, write what you wish you could have told him. Write everything you think of him. Maybe talk with your friends about him. This one is the harder to deal with and to get over, because he hurt you. Expressing your anger, by writing it, or making a drawing of him and then tear it apart, this could help.
About your grandfather, what you can do is still talk to him, before going to bed, like if he was there, listening. or even better: write him letters. Letters about what you do, about what you wanted to know about him, the questions you had for him. Write it all down, on beautiful papers. If you can, bring them to his grave, if not, bury them in your garden. But write to him and imagine how he would have be, what you could have done together. If you can, speak with his wife and tell her that you are "mad " at her for what she did.
And about your girlfriend, write to her too (I know I keep saying the same thing, but I do think it would help), even if for now you can't send her the letters. maybe emails would work? Can you try emails?
Starting to talk, or write, might be hard, but take a deep breathe, a pen, a piece of paper, and start. Let the thoughts become words. You've found the problem, now it's about how to get rid of it.
Let me know what you think of that Jam'!
Lucifer