They Were Never, In Fact, Homeless

Welcome home to all those in the SPN fandom. This is a place for you to come to talk about your worries, your problems, whatever might be troubling you. All will be listened to without judgment, and we will offer whatever support we can. Remember that this blog is a safe space, a home, just like the boys' Impala.

[never-to-be-homeless]

The Final Ride

Hi there loves, My name is Madie, I’ve been an admin here at Never to be Homeless since 2015, just over 6 years now. Today I bring some news to you all that has been a long time coming. As someone who started off by asking questions to Sam and Dean to eventually answering questions to becoming head admin, I know what this blog means to me and to others. This blog has not only changed lives, but it has also saved them.

The reality is NTBH is closing the inbox today. I’m crying just typing these words out. We do not have the staff or the impact that we used to in order to continue our mission. In reality, NTBH has not been active in a long time, and our presence in the community has dwindled consequently.

Sam, Dean, Adam, Charlie, Castiel, Crowley, and all the other people who make up the world of Supernatural still love and support you all dearly. And maybe one day the Impala will come back into town, and the inbox will open again. The blog will not be deleted, the posts will still remain up, and the blog will be maintained so that the posts can be used for those who need it to reflect back on.

Never to be Homeless answered over 12000 questions in over 7 years. We had over 65 admins answer for 41 characters. We did amazing work while we lasted and I am incredibly proud of what we have accomplished.

My final words of advice to you all is that your feelings do not equal facts. Your realities will change. We have answered tons of messages from people who now have careers, partners, children, and lives where their mental health doesn't define them. What you are feeling now will come to pass, it will get better, I promise. Things may seem grim and hopeless right now, but that won't last forever. You are all loved and supported, and absolutely never alone. Everything you feel and deal with is valid, the world may be turned against you now, but it rotates so eventually it will be in your favor.

Thank you to those who have supported us and the admins who used to work here. Thank you for fostering a place where people could come and receive care and support from the people who they needed it from most, their heroes. This is a place where no one will ever be homeless because this is home, regardless of whether it is active or not.

If you have any questions, comments, or concerns, I will be taking those over at my personal blog @madielake. Whatever you need, I’ll be there so feel free to reach out.

Remember you are never alone and to always keep fighting,

Admin Madie

[never-to-be-homeless]

Hello all. I'm not sure if you guys are still active or not, but it's been a while since I've been on here. I just wanted to thank you all. I was writing in when I was 16, I'm now 21. I'm married with a little one now, and I am in the best place mentally I've been in a long time. Your responses to all of my write-ins have stuck with me throughout the years, you guys put serious work into those, and at the time it was exactly what I needed. Thank you all so much. ~Sarah

Hi there love, Congratulations on the little one and the marriage. It is so exciting to see you all find so great success and peace with life. Here at NTBH we can only hope that the work we do makes an impact and knowing that there are stories like your's out there mean the world. Our admins are dedicated people who put a pieces of themselves out there to care and support others, which is just amazing. We send you all of our love and support, and wish you a full and filling future. Good luck Sarah and always know we are here for you if you need us:) Admin Madie and the rest of the NTBH team

[never-to-be-homeless]

It’s been years since I visited this page to talk to Sam, and my life is in a much better place now. I still look back often at the peace I got from here. If anyone is still out there, THANK YOU. Thank you for everything. Your time and compassion meant the world to me.

Hi there dear, We are so glad that you were able to find peace and comfort here at Never to be Homeless. That is, of course, the goal of this blog. We always find hope and motivation in messages like these and appreciate you reaching out. Truly and honestly, we wish you the absolute best for your future. May you find success in all of your goals and endeavors. And always know that if you every need a home, we will always be here to have your back, just like the boys and their impala. ;) With all of our love and support, Admin Madie and the rest of the NTBH team

[never-to-be-homeless]

It’s been a long time since I last wrote here, but I felt compelled to come back and check out how you’ve been in the past year. I’m sure it’s been rough with the entire 2020 thing. I’ve seen the blog hasn’t been really active but hopefully you see this. I’m Bianca, btw :))

Oh also, regarding the last messages, we were actually able to stay friends and in the meantime I’ve realized I’m pan? Which apparently didn’t come as a surprise to anyone but me, so oh well. I can’t really talk to anyone but my closest friends about this because I depend on my family for now (going to meds school and all) and they would be able to throw me on the streets so no thank you :))) But anyways that was just a brief update.

I hope you’re doing great, and I’m sending you hugs 🤗

Bianca, Congrats on identifying on Pan!! We are so proud of you and send all of our love. Not a lot has been going on here but we are still around. We will see what the future holds. We know 2020 was not easy for us, and we cannot imagine it was easy for anyone else either. But the future holds much possibility and hope if we put our mind to it. Always reach out if you need us. Love, Admin Madie and the rest of the NTBH Team

[never-to-be-homeless]

It's Rach. Yeah, I think I accidentally submitted the last one as public. I dunno if its in your queue or inbox or drafts or what, but I'd rather stay anonymous please. It should also have asterisks, sorry for the mix up! I know you guys aren't professionals, but I guess I just needed to get some things off my chest. Put some feelings into words and figure out what actually is causing the problem here. And I know if there's anyone here to listen, its you guys. Thanks for listening. :)

Hey, Rach, Sam here.

I can’t seem to find the last part of your ask, so if there’s something you want to add, feel free to resend it! Or not, whatever you want to do. And that’s exactly what we’re here for -- to be a sounding board for anything you want to get off your chest.

Always keep fighting,

Sam

[never-to-be-homeless]

Hey Sam, Dean—it's Rach again. I know Sam's the healthy one, so I figured I'd include him in this. I just need to talk about my weight where no one will judge me or tell me I'm not trying hard enough. Don't get me wrong, my family is super supportive and they love me to death, but them nosing into my business has just led me to hiding what I eat. Snacking when someone turns their head. I feel like I'm lying to their face about it. I feel guilty all the time...

...Before I started losing weight, I was at 169 lbs with 30% body fat. It's not obese, as I'm pretty tall, but I felt chubbier than the average 17 year old girl and decided to eat healthier and walk on the treadmill everyday. Healthy weightloss. Great, yeah? I managed to lose 20 lbs. I hit 148 a few months later with a smile on my face. Not without set backs, though. When I cheated, I was really hard on myself......I haven't told anyone, but there were a few times I forced myself to throw up. Yeah, I know its a gateway to bulimia. I know it was stupid, but I didn't know what to do. I would binge in solitude and then panic. I was so scared to gain all the pounds back. And I was so scared that my family would judge me for not losing weight. Fortunately, after a few weeks of doing it spottily, I got scared I'd become bulimic and stopped. Hopefully I don't drop that low again. I couldn't ever admit that...

Hey, Rach, Sam here.

I hope we got all your asks -- we only had three, but the last ended with an ellipsis, so I just wanted to check. I’ll answer these, but if something got lost, definitely let us know.

I can say with complete confidence, that we’re never going to judge you, Rach, so come by any time to chat about whatever’s on your mind. I will say, though, that some things are a bit out of our wheelhouse, especially as we get a little closer to things dealing with physical health. I just don’t want you to feel like we’re not listening, or we don’t care, if we tell you that it might be a good idea to talk to your doctor about something. We’re definitely listening. Sometimes that’s just the best advice we have.

Your goals are spot on, I think, trying to feel better in your body in a healthy way. And there’s nothing wrong with that, at all. But it can definitely start to weigh on your mind when you feel like the way that you’re living, or the way that you like to live, isn’t lining up with what your family might or might not approve of. I’m always the first to say that it’s important to take care of your body and your physical health, primarily through a balanced diet and exercise, but focusing on that should never negatively impact your mental health. One of my favorite things that I’ve come across is the saying, “Eating the cookie will do less harm than stressing about eating the cookie.” Which is to say, in the long run, the stress you put yourself under worrying and stressing about eating the cookie (in turn, raising your cortisol levels -- excuse my little science-y interruption) is much harder on your body that the 150 calories or so in the cookie you want to eat. Sometimes, it’s actually better to eat the slightly unhealthy food, if that’s what you’re craving.

This kind of leads into what happens to our bodies when we come up with too many rules around how, what, and when we eat. I don’t really know what’s been going through your head, but I want to talk about this a little, and maybe it’ll resonate. When we really restrict our intake, at least drop it significantly from where it was before, our body goes into a sort of starvation mode, and it sets us up to binge later. So, if you try really hard to eat very little for most of the day, by the time evening comes around, you’re ravenous, and you want to eat everything in sight. It has nothing to do with willpower, and it’s definitely not something anybody should judge you for. It’s a really natural and normal response our bodies have to not eating enough (again, I don’t know if this is the case, or how much you’re eating, and I’m not a professional). It’s easier said than done, but the answer to this really is to make sure you’re eating well throughout the day, in a way that makes you feel good. For some people, that’s 3 meals a day. For others, it’s 4 or 5 small meals a day. It’s just important to listen to your body’s signals and eat when you’re hungry. Especially if you’ve been exercising more. We need calories just to function. Even if you lie in your bed all day -- you never get up, you just lie there, you barely move -- your body is still burning calories. Which means that if we start exercising, we need to fuel that, too. 

It’s hard, I know it’s hard, especially when the whole world is telling you that you should look a certain way or be a certain size by editing pictures and putting them on the cover of magazines. But even if we all ate the same, and even if we all exercised the same, our bodies wouldn’t look the same. And that’s the other thing I kind of want to dive into: your weight isn’t really the number that matters. There’s been a lot of evidence that shows that weight and BMI aren’t actually the best indicators of our overall health, and it’s much more important how you feel than what the scale says (a really great example of this is pro athletes, many of whom are “obese” by the BMI’s measurement, but are almost entirely muscle mass). 

This really got a bit long, but the most important takeaway of all of this, is that I want you to feel comfortable in your own skin. If that means losing some weight, in a healthy way while still eating enough, then I support you. If that means learning to love the body you’re in, then I support you, too. But it should be about you, and what you want, rather than how your family feels. Remember, it’s your body, not theirs.

Always keep fighting,

Sam

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hey there, Rach, s’Dean.

My brother really covered a lot of it, and it’s a good thing you called on him, he’s really got more of a knack for this than me. But I wanted to add my two cents.

Even though Sammy’s more likely to chow down on a salad (I still stand by the fact that it’s rabbit food), I don’t think that health is about eating vegetables all the time. I know I eat my fair share of cheeseburgers, and I drink my fair share of beer, and those aren’t great for me. But having those things sometimes, in moderation, that’s okay. The healthiest thing for me is that I’m happy with how I eat, I eat enough, and I’m comfortable in my own skin. It won’t stop Sammy from trying to feed me brussels sprouts, though.

Always here,

Dean

[never-to-be-homeless]

Hey Sam, it's been a long time so I don't know if you remember me but this is Ice. I just stumbled on this blog again and saw it was still going and I wanted to say hello and thank you. I'm reading the old messages I sent you in the past when I was so suicidal and struggling, and I'm now doing so much better! I moved in with my boyfriend, we have an actual house now! We actually had some major relationship issues recently and almost broke up, but although it was very hard, I handled it well 1/4

and I think we're doing better and working on improving things again. I just completed a group therapy thing (we started in person but had to switch to using zoom for obvious reasons!) and it was extremely helpful, and even made me some friends, a few of the other girls are continuing the weekly zoom chats even though the group is over. I also figured out so much about myself the last couple of years, I've discovered I'm autistic which explains so much, and I'm also looking into ADHD as a possible source of my memory issues, how disorganised I am and stuff. I don't have a job for now, my memory and just general functioning is pretty terrible if I'm being honest and I'm having some really bad physical health issues that I'm having a hard time getting diagnosed, mostly bad nerve pain, but I am a lot more confident in myself now. I like who I am. I'm self harming maybe once every few months, I'm almost never suicidal any more, I love being alive. The other day I sat by the sea, and watched a dog play in the waves, and I cried because even though times are so hard right now, life is so beautiful and I'm so glad I made it through the worst years of my life. I do still struggle with depression and anxiety, but it's worth the fight to get through it. Thank you so much for all the times you helped me, and Cas too! (And according to the tags on my old asks, it was mostly the admin Emily that helped me. You made such a difference. Thank you <3)

Hey, Ice, Sam here.

Of course I remember you, Ice. It’s great to hear from you. It means a lot to know that you’re doing so much better now, and that you took the time to come back and send in an update.

I’m so glad your group therapy sessions were helpful for you and that you’re staying in touch with some of the people you’ve met. I think that’s awesome, especially because we’re all spending so much time alone right now. It’s good to keep up with people outside of the people you live with.

I’m sorry that you’re still dealing with some difficulties, especially because physical problems can always make everything feel worse, but I know you can handle it. You’ve worked so hard, and you’ve been through so much, and I know you can get through this, too. It might not be easy, and it might be slow, but you’ve made so much progress and I can only say that I know you can keep going.

Most importantly, I’m so happy for you that you’ve found the beauty in life. I know how easy it is to forget about it sometimes. But then you just open your eyes again, and it’s all around you. I’m so happy for you.

Check in again if you ever feel like it.

Always keep fighting,

Sam

(Admin Note: Ice, I can’t tell you how happy I am to hear from you and know how well you’re doing. And I can’t tell you how much it means to me that I was able to help somehow. I’ll always hold that close to me. -Emily)

[never-to-be-homeless]

Never To Be Homeless is still up and running as a blog to offer support and advice for those in the Supernatural fandom who might be struggling with mental health concerns (NOTE: We are not professionals, only peers who want to offer whatever help we can).

Please reblog this post to spread the word that our ask box is still open.

If you have any interest in becoming an admin, please contact Admin Emily (@radiantdean), or fill out this Google Form. 

[never-to-be-homeless]

Hey Sam, Dean, Cas. My name is Allison, and after hearing your stories, I've been looking up to you, for quite a while. I know you don't know me, but I guess it's worth a shot.

Lately, I've been going through so much. Almost constant anxiety, bouts of depression, and suicidal thoughts. My sleeping habits are out the window, and I just feel like nothing matters anymore sometimes. Or that I don't want to do this anymore, because what's the point if the pain is too much? It seems like every time I go reach out for help, it's like the universe rejects me. I've been to at least 8 therapists over ten years and countless medications. I know you don't believe in that type of stuff Dean, but.. well.. without it? I'm not sure if I would be alive right now.

I feel like the rest of my life is going to be like this; for the longest time, all I have known is pain (sometimes I have some good moments, but pain outweighs everything). I'm tired. I want a better life, but it's so fucking hard, I just don't know if it's worth it. I hope to hear back from you, as I have always wanted to talk with you.

Hey, Allison, you’ve got Sam here.

I’m glad you reached out to us. It’s great to meet you, and I hope we have the chance to get to know each other better.

I don’t know exactly what’s bringing on your feelings of anxiety and depression (you might not either, and it’s completely okay if that’s the case), but the world has really turned upside down this year. A lot of us are going through anxiety, depression, sleeping troubles, feelings of hopelessness, and it totally makes sense. Look at all we’ve been through in just the past 6 months or so. If you think everything going on in the world right now is contributing to how you’re feeling, I want you to give yourself a little bit of grace right now, some time to work through your feelings and recognize that you’re not alone in feeling them. I know that this has really taken a toll on me, and I’ve been possessed by Lucifer. 

I think it’s really great that you’ve been trying to reach out for help, and I want you to know that sometimes it takes some time to find the right fit in a therapist, or the right type of help that’s going to be really effective for you. Just because it hasn’t worked out yet, definitely doesn’t mean you should stop trying. If it’s been helpful in any way, even if a therapist hasn’t stuck yet, I think that’s the biggest sign you should keep going. There is someone out there, there is a therapist who’s going to click for you. And even if it takes some time, you can always reach out to us.

Pain can be overwhelming, Allison. I know exactly how you feel. But it’s not everything. Life is so much more than pain. Pain is definitely a part of it (how would we know or truly appreciate pleasure or happiness or gratitude if we never knew pain?), but it’s not everything. The world is full of beautiful things, and sometimes you just have to know where to look. You have the find the things that make you happy, the really little things. Like, for me, my morning cup of coffee is everything. Even if I know I have a hard day ahead of me, I take a couple of minutes to drink my coffee, telling myself I’ll deal with whatever else later. And that moment, even if it’s just a tiny piece of my day, that moment is everything.

I’m not telling you it’s easy, and I’m definitely not telling you that every day is going to be wonderful, full of rainbows and laughter. There are still going to be hard days. But you can, and you will get to a place where you have more good days than bad, where you have some memories of pain rather than only some memories of good. Trust me, it’s worth it when you have a day where you encounter something so beautiful, that brings you so much happiness, and you have that thought, “I’m so glad I’m here right now.” It’s worth it.

Always keep fighting, 

Sam

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Allison, s’Dean.

My brother got around to this first, but he’s always been better at this kinda stuff than me. He’s hit the nail on the head again, so I hope you really give a good read to what he’s said. It really is worth it to keep pushing. Look at all we’ve been through, at all we’ve survived. We’re still here, and it’s not always easy, but I’m happy to wake up every day. 

It doesn’t really matter if I “believe” in therapy and medications or not, so I don’t want you to worry about that for a second. I don’t think I’ll be sitting on a shrink’s couch any time soon, but I know it’s really crucial for a lot of people. I know therapy can change lives, and I know that for some people medications are a really big part of that. No matter what, I want you to do what works for you and what makes you feel like you can keep going. A lot of times, professional help isn’t the answer. There’s a lot we can’t do on our own, Allison. There’s a lot we shouldn’t have to do on our own. I’ve started to understand that it’s okay to ask for help.

I know how tired you are. I know that feeling you get in your bones. But you’ve just said you want a better life, and that counts for something. If you want it, you can get there. And I want it for you, too. You’re right, it’s not easy. But we’re right here with you.

Always here,

Dean

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hello, Allison. It’s Castiel.

My friends have written above many important and vital points that I can only hope to re-emphasize for you. Life is not easy, but I do not think life was supposed to be easy. So much meaning can be gleaned from our efforts and the results of those efforts. You deserve to live a beautiful, wonderful, and happy life, Allison, and I know that is possible for you. Reach out for help, always reach out for help. If you have any desire to live another day, it is always worth it to keep fighting.

I am sending love and care, and I hope we hear from you soon, Allison.

Your angel,

Cas

[never-to-be-homeless]

Oh, hey Dean! It's Rachel (again), and yes, I'm super cool with you calling me Rach. I see you've posted! Its been a while since I asked that. I'd forgotten how down in the dumps I used to be about school and friends. I tended to overthink a lot. I think, funnily enough, that this quarantine helped me! I had a lot more time to think about myself rather than others. I began eating healthy, working out, and I lost 20 pounds. I really felt good about myself.

...Although I have recently jumped back into overeating. I've gained back half the weight I lost and its getting hard to motivate myself into eating proportionately again. I'm trying though! Anyway, thanks! I'm really happy you're up again. I think your content is so inspiring and helpful for the spn family. You rock!

Hey, Rach, s’Dean.

As tough as things are right now, I think there are some silver linings to this whole thing. It’s a chance to take some time for yourself, whatever that means for you, and it’s great you could think about what you’re eating and taking care of yourself.

Everything has its challenges and its ups and downs. All you can do is try your best. Check back in if you ever need to talk, yeah?

Always here,

Dean

[never-to-be-homeless]

Hi, it’s bell. I haven’t been on here in awhile. Glad to see you guys back. Last I talked too is Dean. My life has gotten a lot better since last time. In college to do what I love, have a boyfriend and house. It’s good. But my best friend of 20 years just decided to stop talking to me one day and claim we’re not friends anymore. It’s been almost two years but the pain is still so deep. I threw out all the stuff she got me and deleted her on everything. I just want the pain and memories of us to go away. She doesn’t even care but maybe it was my fault. It just breaks my heart.

Hey, Bell, s’Dean.

Good to hear from you again, and I’m glad you’re doing alright for the most part. I’m real sorry to hear what happened with your friend, though. I just don’t think people should do things like that. We all get to choose who we have around in our lives, but I don’t think cutting someone out so suddenly is the way to go. I know how much it must hurt.

I don’t think the memories are ever gonna go away -- you were friends for 20 years. But I know that the pain will fade with time. You’re gonna look back some day and not even believe that you ever felt this so deeply. It might take awhile, but I know you’ll start to move on. We all do, to protect ourselves from the pain of things like this.

It makes sense that you’re wondering about what happened or thinking that maybe it was your fault, but something I’ve learned is that usually when we want closure, or we’re really focused on that, it’s more about us than the other person. It’s usually just because of our feelings, of our pain, and another conversation about what happened won’t actually fix anything. Easier said than done, but the best thing to try and do is to let it go. What’s happened happened, and maybe some day you’ll cross paths and maybe get the chance to talk to her again, but until then, letting go let’s you live your own life. I know it’s not easy, but it’s usually the healthiest thing for us.

Check back in if you want to talk it out some more.

Always here,

Dean

[never-to-be-homeless]

Hi Dean! It’s L. I haven’t needed this place in a long time, actually, things have been looking up lately :). It’s just, I guess some things never change. Lately, I’ve been so anxious. Even talking to my friends is so hard. Intrusive thoughts constantly make me feel like I’m bothering people, and I overthink everything that I say and do. I just, hate myself so much, I feel like an idiot for not being able to just act like a normal person. (1/2) L

It’s frustrating because I’ve been trying to get better, but this is the one thing that hasn’t changed even after years. On the bright side, I was clean for about half a year!!! Aaaah!!! Maybe it doesn’t count now, but I still feel proud. One other thing is, I discovered that I’m non-binary!! It’s been really hard feeling valid and ok since I have to stay in the closet and don’t pass, but I’ve been trying my best. Thanks for being here. -L

Hey, kiddo, it’s Dean here.

Glad to hear that things have been going well in general, and it seems like a good chance to mention that progress isn’t perfect. It’s not like a straight line, it veers all over the place. Like, you could be driving down the highway, totally straight, and then you think you see something out of the corner of your eye and you have the swerve into the next lane before straightening out again. Progress is kind of like that. We all hit those swerves. Also, no matter how many times you swerve, all that distance while going straight still counts, right? You’re still on your way to your destination. So yeah, your half a year of staying clean definitely counts. 

I don’t want to hear you say that you hate yourself, L, because I know that you deserve so much more than that. And I know having someone tell you, “Don’t hate yourself,” or “I don’t hate you,” doesn’t fix everything just like that, but know that I don’t hate you, and I love you. And until you can feel like you love yourself, too. I’ll love you enough for the both of us. How’s that?

Proud of your for feeling like you really know who you are now, and I promise things’ll get easier and you’ll be able to express yourself. Hang in there, kiddo, you got this.

Always here,

Dean

[never-to-be-homeless]

Hi Dean, this is El. Whether you see this or not, I want to let you know. I used to write to you back in 2015 - I was still in High School and things were so rough for me. I felt so alone and i never felt like anyone could relate. So I found this, and the first time I wrote and got a response back, I was filled with joy. I no longer felt alone. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for being there for my teenage self and for helping me, Love you always and forever, El ❤️

Hey, El, s’Dean.

So good to hear from you, kiddo. We’re even more grateful that we can be here to help you through whatever’s going on. Always reach out if you feel like you need to, we’re here.

Love,

Dean

[never-to-be-homeless]

Hey, Sam. It’s Fleur. I’d moved past it and I had accepted that it happened & I can’t do anything & I just now feel part of a statistic. Nobody knows, either, just my mum. I’m not brave enough to speak to someone. This is a burden I have to bear forever because I can’t speak to someone. I was lucky, but so many others aren’t and how can I complain when it could have been worse; that’s what people’ll say too. All I gotta do is shoulder the blame, and the issue, alone. I am alone, and that’s okay.

Hey, Fleur, Sam here.

You’re never alone, Fleur. I promise. I’ll say it again: you’re never alone. You’ve got your mom, who you told about what happened. And I know it’s hard to think about opening up to more people, but if you decide that’s something you’re ready to do, I’m sure they would be there for you. If they love and care about you, they’d support you. And whenever it feels like you’re alone, remember that I’m always here. If you keep me with you, you’ll never be alone.

Even if it could have been worse, that doesn’t mean that your experience doesn’t count or doesn’t matter or shouldn’t be talked about. It still had a huge impact on you and affected your life in a massive way. When it comes to stuff like this, there’s no threshold that you have to reach for it to “count.” Your feelings, your emotions, your experiences are always valid.

You don’t have to bear this alone. There are people -- your friends, your family, mental health professionals -- who are here to help you and carry some of the weight for you. I know it’s scary to open up. I know it’s scary to be vulnerable. But the people that care about you aren’t going to turn away, they’re going to stand by you. Like me, I’ll always stand by you.

Check in soon, Fleur.

Always keep fighting,

Sam

[never-to-be-homeless]

1/4 // Hey, Dean, it’s Kath. Quite a bit has happened since the last time I was here. I quit McDonalds, worked in a couple of nurseries and an elderly residential home. Worked as a cleaner, and I start my new job pretty soon too. Back in education too. But the biggest thing? I saw a doctor about my mental health!!!

I cannot believe it’s taken me so long but I DID IT!! If my calculations are right, I’ve also been clean from self harm for almost a year!! I’m thinking about counselling sessions at my college, it just depends on if I’m brave enough. I tried meds, but they just made me over-emotional. I told my lecturer about my mental health struggles, and she was so sweet and checks up on me every now and then. I turn 21 this year, in June, and it’s weird for someone who didn’t think she’d turn 16 all those years ago. I know recovery isn’t simple, and I could get bad any minute but I’m doing okay. I’m happy. Really freakin’ happy. I know that I did this on my own, that I control my happiness but I don’t think I could’ve done this without you. Thank you for everything. I don’t do goodbyes, Dean, because I’ll be back. Couldn’t leave my favourite Winchester (no offence, Sam) in the dust

Hey, kiddo, you’ve got Dean.

I’ve been sitting here for awhile reading over your message, Kath, cause I’m not sure I can find the words to tell you just how proud I am of you. Going to a doctor about your mental health? I’m so proud. Staying clean from self-harm? I’m so proud. Talking to your professors about your mental health? I’m so proud. Thinking about counseling at school? Proud (and trust me, you’re brave enough). Seeing your 21st birthday? Kiddo, you’re amazing.

I’ll always look forward to hearing from you, Kath, and I’ll be here whenever you need me, but I sure as hell hope I get more messages like these.

Always here,

Dean

P.S. Sam says I’m his favorite Winchester, too (I’m ignoring his eye roll).

[never-to-be-homeless]

Hi.... my name is Em. I finished school in April and just finished a contract at a good job with ppl I loved who became my family for the 6 months I was there, but I can't go back for a while. Finishing the contract meant I had to move back with

my parents. Now everyone I'm close to lives 3 hours away and I can't afford to move closer to them. I'm so lonely, but I'm afraid that I'll soon become a burden to those that I still text because I'm just kinda trapped here alone. I'm doing my best to make it work, but I'm miserable. I don't have a great relationship with my mother and thats making things worse. I feel like all I can do is hope something that will get me out will come my way but that seems unlikely atm.

Hey, Em. Sam here.

Trust me, I get how hard it is to have to move back home with your parents, especially parents you might not have the best relationship with. It’s really easy to slip into those feelings of loneliness, isolation, or even depression.

I think you’re doing the right thing by trying to stay in touch with the people you’re still close with, and I don’t want you to feel like that’s putting some kind of burden on them. If you’re friends, and it really sounds like you are, it makes a lot of sense that you’d want to stay in touch and keep up with them. Maybe throw some phone calls in there, or some video calls. The technology we have these days to communicate with the people we care about is incredibly. And honestly, texting is great, but there’s nothing quite like hearing someone’s voice or seeing their face. Also, if you start scheduling phone calls, or maybe even movie nights over video chat (or whatever you guys like to do), it might feel more like you have this separate time set aside for you and your friends. Sometimes, when we get texts, it can feel really demanding, like we’re expected to respond right away, and that can be tough when we’ve got other things going on. But we can still schedule social time, even if we’re not physically together. Does that seem like it might be a possibility?

I don’t know exactly what’s going on with your mom or the details of your relationship, but I think that moving back home can put strain on anyone, really. It’s tough to move back into an environment where you were once a kid, and now you’re an adult who’s had a job, and all these friends separate from the life you live at home. I know there are plenty of barriers to moving out of the house, especially during times like these, but I don’t want you to feel like it’s hopeless. Keep an eye out for opportunities that might be a good fit for you. It might give you something to do during the day, and it’ll give you something to look forward to.

Let me know how things go.

Always keep fighting,

Sam

[never-to-be-homeless]

Hey it’s raven it’s been a while and I’ve been really great. I’m better and getting healthy but lately I’ve been having some really bad dreams about getting raped or sexually assaulted to some degree &I’ve been waking up anxious or angry because of it & I don’t know what to do and I feel bad because my boyfriends is so sweet and has been trying to help but I have no idea how to let him help. I thought I was over the assault since it’s been like 13 years but I can’t anymore. It’s so hard

Hey, Raven, s’Dean.

Can’t tell you how happy it makes me to hear that you’ve been doing well and looking out for yourself. 

Dreams are tough, because it’s not like we can control what we think about while we’re asleep, and they can so easily get away from us. If you haven’t thought of it already, you could try and reach out to a counselor or a therapist. They could help you work through the dreams, and some of the lingering trauma from the assault. Remember that, even if the assault was 13 years ago, there’s no time limit on recovery, and progress isn’t always a straight line. You’ve been doing really great, Raven. Don’t be too hard on yourself for still struggling with some things. It happens to all of us.

If you feel like you can’t get in touch with a professional for any reason, I think it might be a good idea to still try and work through the dreams in some way. You could keep a notebook by the side of your bed and try to write down what your remember when you wake up. Sometimes just getting something out of your head and down on paper can take some of the anxiety with it.

Does your boyfriend know about the assault? Have you tried talking to him about it, or about these dreams? If you haven’t, that might be a way he can help, by just listening. My best bet is that he’s gonna be the most helpful by just being there for you and reminding you that you’re safe now.

Hope to hear from you soon.

Always here,

Dean