#adrift;

[selkiesins]

Man… I’ve been acting such a well adjusted member of society lately. Acting pretty human. Feeling pretty human.

Then this week disappears from my memory, Matt’s asking if I’m okay, and Dove’s being flighty as fuck around the simple question “did I do something bad”. And all of a sudden it feels like I’m back at the start. Floundering while tryna figure out what went wrong. Unsure what i did to make people give me those looks. Feeling ready to slip back into the sea, and be done with it all.

[selkiesins]

I was hungry. And.

Sometimes I do miss the simplicity of it all. Being a seal, and just a seal. The freedom. The simple, if maybe not always easy, pleasures.

But now? I also can’t imagine being happy for long without Bry next to me too. Sometimes, I really do wish he could turn into the wee shrimp he talks about, and be with me like that in the sea.

I guess having hands is good too though.

[selkiesins]

[selkiesins]

Staying at old man rory’s inn, and being home again… it was nice. Real nice. It was a lot, getting to show Bryan around and be with Lee here again. In a good way. I- I thought being home would feel worse, what with the whole, thing, but. It’s been good. I’ve missed this place.

The thing with old man rory’s new lad though? Fucking strange. I know the scrawny lad’s new to land and all — fuck, then teen’s barely even verbal — but. I still can’t get it off my mind. Avoiding Bryan like the plague, full on hissing at him outta nowhere. And just… When I tried to have a word with him, he just kept pointing at that photo of Bry and repeating “he ill”. He ill. What the fuck’s that supposed to mean? Bryan’s not ill. But I can’t fucking get the words outta me head. Something feels off, and I don’t know what.

[selkiesins]

Talking to Lee made me realise I’ve not been back to sea since— since it all went down.

Not sure if I want ta right now, either.

Everything just feels wrong.

[selkiesins]

I think it's time that you crawl back home, son Fire's still scorching, you've been scorned and you look abused Did you get out all of that angry passion? Is it still formin'? Has it started to torture you?

[selkiesins]

I’m scared. Of saying three stupid little words.

They’re fucking simple enough, and yet when I’m around Bryan… they feel at the tip of my tongue all the damn time, before getting stuck because- because fuck, bad things happen when I say those three little words. I know it makes no sense. I know it’s not those words that did it, but still. The fear still — it still lodges in my throat, as I swallow the words back down.

Because each time the words rise, I just remember. Remember when Ma showed me how to shed, and how to speak, and kept repeating those three little words to me. I love you. Go on, say it — “I love you”. Ma loves you, wee pup. I love you. And just as I was getting it — was getting the words sounding about right on my strangely small tongue, and just starting to grasp what it meant… She got ripped away from me.

Fuck, I think I love you.