Jan 26
"So this says that if someone with an impure heart opens the book, they'll be atomized."
"Okay. So open it."
"Um... well-"
"I sure as shit can't open it."
"We may need a third party to manage this part for us."
"Oh my god, we are the WORST."
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"So this says that if someone with an impure heart opens the book, they'll be atomized."
"Okay. So open it."
"Um... well-"
"I sure as shit can't open it."
"We may need a third party to manage this part for us."
"Oh my god, we are the WORST."
"Which stick is yours?"
"That's a Staff and a Rod. Highly magical and dangerous. Please stop waving them around like that."
"Fine, but which one is yours?"
"The Staff."
"..."
"The longer one."
"So what's the difference?"
"Look, I know new concepts are hard for you to grasp, so let me put it this way: Rods are for hurt-y magic. Staves are for fix-y magic."
"Fix-y?"
"Yes. The magic that keeps putting your dumb ass back together because I keep very politely asking it to. If you'd like me to keep asking, gimme the fuckin' Staff!"
"There are things down in that dungeon that man was not meant to know."
"How far down does it go?"
"Oh, like thirty feet, I think. But there's a gaggle of Clowns down there doing gods know what."
"Oh, shit, yeah, no thank you."
"No, no, I GET that he's my deeply personal rival and that me and him throwing down would give everyone a bunch of narrative catharsis, but I wanted to be there when you guys punch the REAL final boss in the face! Come on, guys! Chucklefuck here can wait! Or, or better yet, why not HELP me put his ass in the ground, it'll take like seven seconds, and then we can all go fight the big bad together! Come on! Guys? Where are you going? Please don't do this he's so fucking annoying!!"
"They claim these new healing potions have a 'new and improved' flavor."
"And?"
"Obviously, whoever 'they' are have marketing degrees."
"Tastes like ass, then?"
"Hairy ass."
"Cool, guess I'll just die."
"You have slain the dread lord! Excellent work! Now, about the next part of the job-"
"Next part? You hired us to kills this one guy. You never said anything about extra steps."
"Well, see, we need to make sure he STAYS dead, so..."
"Dick move, your majesty."
"What did you do?"
"We killed the goblins in the cave."
"Did Jerry ask you to do that?"
"Well, he was a farmer, his name MIGHT have been-"
"Jerry has no concept of the local ecology! The goblins ate the rabbits and the moles! Their populations are going to explode now and EVERYONE'S farms are fucked!"
"...oh."
"Look,you guys are murder hobos, how about you just kill Jerry? I'll find some honest, decent people to help deal with the rabbits and moles."
"Our DM subscribes to the idea of pallette swaps and monsters with minor changes to show they are more powerful."
"Okay, no, that does NOT explain why that wolf is eight feet tall and has a cannon protruding from its back."