I’m in my restroom, getting ready before I go to work. Seems normal like any morning…. Until I open the door and step into my bedroom. Everything feels so surreal, like I have no control over myself, everything about this it has happened before… I’m dreaming, I can feel myself panic a little.
She’s there half awake… I sit at the edge of the bed and run my hand through her hair and down to her face gently cupping it in my hand, her skin is so soft…
‘WAKE UP!!!’
I lean in and kiss her forehead and quickly make my way down to her cheek and a simple move over to my left and catch her lips, soft but something is missing.
'WAKE UP!!!!’
I once again run the back of my hand up her face and her hair..
-“will you be here when I get back from LA”
She nods, barely moving her head, and barely a whisper she says
“Yes I’ll be here”
-“LIAR!!!! HOW DARE YOU LIE TO MY FACE!!! WAKE UP!!”
I kiss her once again, and gently rest my forehead on hers…
“WAKE UP!”
I feel so much pressure on my chest, I’m starting to gasp for air, I’m drowning, I’m going down, everything is fading out. I get up and start to walk away from her, and just before walking out the door I turn around…
The room is empty everything is gone. She’s nowhere to be found.
I’m drowning, everything fades to black and I can only feel an immense sense of emptiness, sadness, heartbreak
“WAKE UP!!!! WAKE UP!!!!”
“WAKE UP!!!! WAKE UP!!!!”
I wake up to the feel of Matilda gently rubbing her cold nose against my hand that hangs at the edge of my bed. My eyes are filled with tears, my pillow is soaked with them.
I feel like my chest is caving in, I feel like I can’t catch my breath, my head is pounding, I catch my breath.
When will these memories stop filling my head, stop torturing me, when will I get a decent night of sleep.. When will I rest…
Matilda shoots a small whine my way, with some sense of concern and urgency.
-“I’m ok mamas… Just a bad dream”
It was the last interaction we had before she left, before she torn everything down we had built in three years. Gone in one morning… She took everything from me.
I sit up and shift to the edge of my bed. Wiping away the tears I reach to Matilda and gently pet her..
“I’m ok, I promise… Go night night”
She goes back to her spot by the foot of the bed and with a grunt she lies back down, but those big ember colored eyes stare at me, slowly blinking, almost like she’s staying into my soul.
We both know neither of us will get any more sleep. We’ll lay in bed again, running through everything, and try not to contact her or check up on her.
Again… I break down pick up my phone. It’s 3 in the morning. I open her social media page. She’s not on…
Why would she be on? Normal people would be sleeping. I start scrolling through old posts.
Why am I doing this, it’s killing me, I miss her so much. They say missing people comes in waves, and tonight I’m drowning. I feel like there is no escape, I’m drowning in this sea of emotions. She left me like a wreckage, all the memories we built, while she skipped away with her parents.
I wish I had a support system like hers.
I shut my phone off, and silently sink into my pillow. Staring into an empty spot on the wall… Wondering if she’s suffering like I am… I don’t wish this upon anyone, so no, I hope she’s not suffering like this, but I know all to well, that nothing in this life is left unpaid for… Someday she’ll understand and feel this pain…
I know so because I’ve made someone feel like this before, I feel like I’m just getting the bill for that… I wonder how she is, I wonder if she ever forgave me. Maybe I should talk to her, maybe she can shine a different light to this. Maybe I can apologize for the broken heart I left behind. I know it won’t make much of difference but it’s worth a try.
I pick up my phone and text her…
“Hi Meme…”
With that, some distraction comes, taking my mind off of things and I can feel my eyelids grow heavy and I drift off to bed…
My mind, my memories are my worst enemy.. They miss her so much. They keep asking about her, and when I don’t answer they scream for her…
I wake up to the sound of my email notifications on my phone. I’m exhausted, and my head aches. I look at my phone it’s only 8 in the morning, and I know I won’t be able to get back to sleep. I look at my phone again. For some reason I want there to be a text or missed call from her, although like always, nothing.
I hear Matilda get to her feet, and I spot her. She checks for her, and like every morning she pushes off the mattress with a grunt when she doesn’t find her, she comes close to me. I greet her with a scratch behind her ear, and with that she walks over to the door and waits for me to open it so she can check the living room, and once again not finding her there, she’ll return to the room and start the process of dragging her bed out to the front door.
It’s Saturday and it’s my weekend off. No plans besides cleaning the apartment and doing laundry. Another task that was taken care of by her. Something I didn’t ask her to do, honestly I was raised to do things like that for myself, and honestly I could do it better than her. Buddy called it me going all Mexican when I would clean the apartment. She wanted to do it, she said that’s how she would contribute to the household. I would take care of the rest. She started to slack a lot on her side, most of the time I would end up doing it myself, she was messy and for some reason or another I would end up with her at the laundromat after work.
I couldn’t deny that she helped a lot, but lately it seemed like it all started to fall back to me.
I did my normal morning routine, cleaned up a bit, not to hard to keep the apartment clean, at least not for me. Both Buddy and I were pretty clean guys, and I always enjoyed a picked up place.
I check my phone, a text message, from Gaby… My Meme… My girlfriend prior to her….
I unlock my phone, and I expect her to ask what I want or that I have to wrong number.
We texted like old times, we talked about everything and anything. She told me she was in the area and I asked if we could meet. She accepted.
I dropped everything and started to drive to meet up. Her birthday had just passed, I remembered the date so I invited her for lunch.
She was now a mommy. Her baby baby was a summer baby. He was adorable, he was smart and he loved food like me.
I loved his name. It was what we were going to name our baby if it was a boy. Lincoln, we would call him Link, if it was a girl we would have named her Riley, we would call her Rie.
I still remembered when she told me she was pregnant. We had only been together for a few months. I panicked like any 21 year old. I was an idiot about it, I knew we weren’t ready. Financially, emotionally and mentally.
I came to accept it, but kept it from my family, and just told one friend.
She didn’t. She told her family, they were excited and happy for her, for us. I had come to accept it and became very excited to be a father the minute I saw my little peanut on that screen. That little heartbeat.That was my legacy, my child.
That all disappeared in one afternoon. I still remember that day like it was yesterday.
Gaby was not feeling well the previous night, and had told me about it. Concerned with our little peanut, we agreed she would go to prompt care the next morning.
I should have gone with her, but we both worked at a grocery store and our wages could keep us afloat but with a child on the way, we could not afford to miss out on any hours of work. How wrong I was. I got a text message from her to meet her by my car. An unusual request, since she was going to start her shift later that day. I can still see her in my mind, her face swelled up, she had been crying. The band around her wrist from the visit to the hospital. Seemed like she had just gotten over the tears, except… As soon she saw me she broke down. I could tell what it was. I ran to her and held her, tightly against my chest I could hear the muffled sobs coming through with an occasional 'I’m sorry’. Why was she sorry!? All I could think of is how I made her go through that alone! How could I have sent her to hear such news on her own, I felt like a bastard.
I wish I could tell you in that moment that would be the worst I would do, that I would not hurt her anymore, that I would praise her and love her like she deserved, but, I would be a liar. After all we are not together, and Link is not my child. I deserve everything I am feeling and more.
Gaby and I had stayed together for a couple of years after that. We both wanted better lives, we both worked forty hour weeks and went to school. At nights we would go jogging together we got in great shape, we could jog two and half miles non stop. She was faster than I always jogged ahead of me, but I didn’t mind staring at her while she was in front of me, I guess you could say I’m a bit of an ass kind of guy.
I remember I got the marketing job tip while attending college, their supervisor Karina told me all about it and the opportunities it presented by working for this company, little did I know she had different intentions.
Gaby supported us through the change, but not at some cost.
Gaby liked to be young and free. I’ve always been a bit of an old man. Always worrying about money, and would rather stay in for the night other than going out. We balanced each other, or so I thought.
After landing that job, my hours were a bit erratic, and sometimes I would work less than 30 hours, but the money was great. Although it brought on a high stress level that I had never experienced before. I had never experienced the pressure of meeting your numbers, and dealing with people at such personal level, where their decision would feed me and keep a roof over my head.
I used to take it out on Gaby, I would bottle up everything throughout the day, and unload on her….I deserve this and more.
We grew apart, meetings at work were a regular thing, also team bonding outings. Different activities and restaurants, also wine tastings and such… Drinking became a regular thing for me, something that was new for me, and certainly new to Gaby.
Karina encouraged it, said that it was a way to bond with the team, said that the better we all got acquainted, the easier it would be to market together as a team.
I interacted with females all day long, something I’m very comfortable with, I grew up with all females, but it was something that Gaby always worried about. Specially worried about Karina. Gaby knew she had a hidden agenda. I was a fool for not seeing it. For not listening to Gaby.
It all got to be to much and I broke it off with Gaby, we had just gotten our apartment and started to build a home together, and like that, with a couple words, she was gone. I ripped down everything we both had built, her home was gone and little did I know so was mine. One night I came home and we talked about it. Next thing I knew words were said that I wish I had never said, I spoke out of anger. She ended up grabbing a few things and leaving that night. All gone.
It didn’t take long for word to get around that we had split, Karina seemed to be the most pleased about the whole thing.
I started to drink heavily. I hated myself and what I had become. Also I had discovered, along with Buddy, that the job was simpler to handle if you were drunk most of the time.
I had also discovered that my feelings stayed buried down deep if I was inebriated, Karina also figured out I was lonely. She became a regular guest in my bedroom, something that was probably not smart since she was my boss and she was technically still married. I had fallen into a deep, deep low. I had fallen into the trap she had set from the beginning, the one Gaby warned me about.
It had been a few months, the drinking was not working any longer. My feeling were spilling out. I was a mess. I was depressed and had nothing to look forward to.
I contacted Gaby, it was a miracle she agreed to talk to me. She kept her distance, but agreed to be a friend, even after all I had done to her, she was willing to be a friend during one of the hardest times I had ever encountered. Instead of relishing on my short comings and letting me fall apart. She offered a helping hand. I would never forget that.
We had stop talking somewhat now that she had her family and I was with her and starting a new relationship. We talked and had never truly lost touch. It’s hard to find friends such as her.
As I pull up to the restaurant we agreed to meet in, I spot her right away. She was stunning, motherhood agreed with her. She also spotted me.
Her burgundy hair rested up on a bun, her soft pale face framed up by her glasses, and that big smile from cheek to cheek. Made her blue eyes disappear. Gorgeous, her boyfriend was a lucky guy.
She waved me over to her car, asking my for some help.
As I walk up I can see why she needed some help. She was taking Lincoln out of his seat… He had just woken up from nap and she was gathering a clean diaper for her and getting together his diaper bag.
She quickly changed him. Still amazed me how great she was at being a mom. I felt a bit of remorse, how could I have thought that she would be an unfit mother.
She hands him to me, and asks me to hold him for a second. He stares at me and I stare at him. He’s adorable, although I can see his face twisting into a grimace as he begins to cry. It’s a low cry, not to high pitched. She notices that and just tells him
“Awe Link you’re ok! Be social! Same with you! Talk to him!”
I start talking to him telling him he’s okay and that mom is right there. He quiets down and stares at me.. Big brown eyes, with pink cheeks and nose. It’s almost as he is genuinely interested in getting to know me. He smiles at me and begins to talk to me… It is the best feeling in the world. I get a bit choked up, and i think to myself 'this could have been mine, ours. Probably be on our second baby’ I try to choke out some words out.
All I manage to say is
“Hi Link”
He beams a smile my way. My heart absolutely melts. I try for the tears not to flow, all I can do is hug him and kiss his cheeks. He laughs and it’s like we’ve known each other since day one.
Gaby nudges me and we start to walk inside. As I open the door, people compliment him and us. It feels great. As we walk up to the hostess, I notice that Link is talking to her, almost like he’s flirting with her. She immediately notices and talks back to him. He gets on a roll and starts laughing. It’s hilarious. As she sits us and I hand him to Gaby she beams a smile my way.
-“He’s a huge flirt, I swear he takes up after more of your traits than his own father.”
-“oh really? I’m a flirt?”
-“yea!! You’re the biggest man whore I’ve ever met meme! You alway talk so soft and educated… It’s different, makes a girl wonder”
-“ Whatever! Besides my supposed talking, what else?”
-“He hates the heat, he loves food, and he loves cheese puffs!”
-“Damn are you sure he’s not mine!!??”
We exchanged some pleasantries. Talked about her and a few people from our past. She scolded me a bit about Karina and yes it ended with a big I told you so. After a while she looked at me and asked if I wanted to take Link to the park. I agreed almost immediately.
We drove to a near by park and proceeded to catch up. Then when I had forgotten about everything, Gaby brought me back down to earth.
-“So what happened? Why did she leave?”
I paused for a second. Looked down, I couldn’t look at her.
-“it’s ok you don’t have to tell me. What did you want to talk to me about, you said you had a few questions”
I thought about what I wanted to ask her. I had so many questions. I knew she would be honest. It was one of the qualities I loved about Gaby.
-“Am I difficult to be with? Do I expect to much out of a relationship? Am I to demanding?
She looked at me for a second, as if she was trying to find the right words.
She opened her mouth and closed it. I knew the answer was not going to be something I liked. A few seconds passed. She finally cleared her throat and she followed with.
-"Sometimes. I feel like you expect so much since you do so much and you’ve been doing to for so long on your own that when a person can’t do it even if they are trying their best…. You get annoyed with that person and choose to do it yourself. You need to understand not every woman if going to be like the women you grew up with. Not everyone is going to have the same mentality, or the same work ethic.You need to learn how to compromise and how to work with them. You sometimes get quiet. You’re careful and try not to speak out of anger…but that silence. That tension you create is like torture. I hated making you mad when we were driving somewhere far…The silence and then followed by the 'I’m not mad I’m disappointed’ speech. It kills!! Along with the almost impossible task of changing your mind once is made up and you forgetting that it’s ok to ask for help… It’s tough, but it’s not something impossible. It’s hard to deal with it if you’re used to having everything your way… You should know. Besides that… You bring something different to the table. Something that I’m still trying to figure out… You, being you. The silliness, the intelligence, the innocence, the consciousness, the constant awareness of what may go wrong, but only doing so in that way everything is taken care of and nothing is missed. The depth of what makes you… You. It’s hard to explain.. Harder to replace and forget.
Give it time… You’ll be fine meme. Give it time, I did..”
It took me a second to gather my thoughts. I looked at her and hugged her. She hugged me back. She was one of the kindest souls I had ever met, and through struggles and hardships of her own she had become a beautiful woman, and an amazing mother. My heart ached and my mind raced…. With one final question of what could have been… What if….
-“I’m sorry for everything… I truly am”
-“It’s ok, we live and we learn. I forgave you a long time ago for my own sake… You need to do the same”
