and tonight.. ill ache.. with undefined longing..
..i don really have any updates, i've not done much more msq. though so far Endwalker in between has been interesting. Zero is pretty neat, and honestly endearing, watching ?her? slowly come to understand what humans are all about. from their confusion with food, to admitting their own inability to understand the concept of a good time.. its been fun, watching ?her? come to feel as a comrade adn not just one end of a bargain.
this goal is months in the making but I'm getting closer everyday..
current milestone is getting White Mage to 80, it hit 70 today which means I'm roughly 3/4 of the way there to getting my Amaro mount for getting all SHB jobs to 80. having only the little bit left on WHM, PLD, 60-80 on GNB and DRK. then its literally just the melee's. god I'm fucking miserable playing them..
no gposes. just a small checkpoint...
..ive been feeling frankly fucking w e i r d the lasat week.. this weird constant sensation that shifts across my body, seeping into my head and then back out again. if i could just.. identify it... i'd be happy but no.. it keeps moving.. hiding..aggravating me.. getting these stitches i n my chest like the ones i get with heavy emotion.. and yet. i feel so fucking empty every time it happens.. can i just not process it? do i not know what emotion it is? is it foreign? .. i don't know.. maybe it's my schizophrenia acting up.. but there's no voice attached to it.. so i doubt it.. its in the back of my mind .. rolling through my veins... Hiding in my fuckin nerves and its just.......b o t h e r i n g me ..
an electric feeling that never seems to never leave me be... its been fading.. and i still have no answers..
..i wish.. i wish i could fucking continue Lost Lessons... i swear, it had so much potential.. i had.. potential.. and im fucking squandering it.. i cant bring my mind into focus.. like im wading through of bog of thoughts.. each one murky and vile.. then.. theres this little glimmer. In the water .. for just a split second... and i get the inspiration.. then its gone before i ever conceive the concept itself.. i have so many drafts.. so many ideas.. and i can't bring myself to consolidate them .. consider them.. even look at them... I want to ... Am i scared.. did i give up without knowing.?? ..im tired of wanting.. im tired boss..