Mr. French
Fresh off the heels of my Mr. Innocent break-off, Chad convinces me to stroll through some friendly bars and keep our buzz on. We land in a particularly hipster-y joint and Chad immediately chats it up with the cute Asian sisters sitting next to us.
At the other end of the long bar sits a dark, brooding, motorcycle man. We lock eyes and I feel him search for a way to get to me. When Chad excuses himself to use the restroom, the man tries to speak to me over the crowd. But it is loud, and his thick French accent gets lost in the movement. He approaches me and asks if we might see each other again.
Yes, handsome foreign man, here is my card. I do hope youâll call.
And I leave on a high note, texting Chad that I had to bail. Driving home, I was all smiles. It really is easy to meet someone new, when you are totally open to the possibilities.
I wake up in the morning to my coffee machine auto-grinding and drag myself from bed. I have about four hours of work ahead of me before I can enjoy my Sunday, so I get motivated and get out. And I forget my cell phone.
When I return, at 1PM, I have missed seventeen messages.
1. [Redacted] with a âT,â ⊠you were right! âș
2. (This message was intentionally enigmatic)
3. Sorry⊠I meant âI think you were right.â
4. [Redacted]! âș GoOd MoRninG!!! âș
5. Donât be afraid by my spontaneity & I am only texting because itâs 9AM and wonât disturb you but would rather call you and speak with you âș to you⊠(Thatâs a lot of âyouâ suddenly)
6. But do You want to âfinishâ our last night conversation today? âș A friendly request from a happy intrigued little man.
7. Forget the safe few blank days rule etc etc and just face each other to examine our intrigue
8. Thanks for reading, I am aroundâŠ
9. P.S. Okay âș I am calling you in 5/10 minutes⊠Can you answer?
10. After that some might call it âharassmentâ so Iâll probably end up listening to them unless we can communicate. If not⊠too bad I had many funny things & stories to tell you.
11. One in particular⊠And two calls, the second time leaving this message: âGood morning [Redacted], we met yesterday at the bar. Iâm not sure if you received some of my text messages, but I hope that you had a good night and morning and I would be very happy to talk with you, whenever you want. Okay. [He leaves his number] Please give me a call whenever you want. All right. Bye. â
12. Come on [Redacted]! :-/ Â ???
13. We started very well⊠just tell me something. Tell me that you are okay first as I donât even know if you are reading me.
14. I am sorry but I am not that kind of insisting guy and very sadly I will have to erase your # because the situation is becoming slightly humiliating & sad.
15. A tease then a dead end? Why? & for what? Frankly! We have much nicer things to do together. Nicer, funnier, friendlier, just looking at each other & talking thatâs all we were & still are.
16. I hope nothing unfortunate happened to you since we saw each other last night.
17. This is my last attempt to reach you⊠Sorry⊠Be well [Redacted]. I did my best to âseed usâ in the kindest manner I could.
Factoring in a language barrier and any possible cultural differences, I still cannot fathom that this person is stable. So I decide no response is the best response. And then later I check my work email.
At 8:27 PM, I have a message that says: âDid you lose you phone yesterday after we met?â Attached is a picture of a very pretty rose.
At 8:49 PM: âPS: âyour phoneâ sorryâŠâ Attached is a picture of Mr. French, in bed, under the covers (not nude).
At 10:17 AM the next day:
[Redacted], You have all this background in psychology and you are doing, playing this nasty crap on me of hiding behind your phone⊠I studied psychoanalysis for 4 years in Paris. But now I am wondering what kind of advices are you giving to those peoples if youâr capable to do what youâr doing with me? To initiate, promote then retain communication! excuse my Frenchy but âthis apple has a creepy flavor!â.
You surprised me as I was alone, relaxing & waiting for a friend⊠You capted my attention and because I thought it was cute the way you behaved with me⊠for you & only for you I openned myselfâŠbut on your side apparently there was absolutely nothing else behind âa momentary interrestâ that might have been even âfakedâ for whatever reasons. A little game probably. I know you are reading me unless a Boing 747 fell on your car last night.
Unfortunately, thatâs a very pedestrian little Hollywood bars spirited story that you are offering and I really thought for a while you werenât that way.
My fault just my fault! I never very well weared the âcold assholeâ suit :^)
Sorry Mr. French, I will never respond to any of this. But I will try, desperately, to weave the phrase, âthis apple has a creepy flavor,â into many future conversations.